President Donald Trump claims that Joe Biden left him a country in shambles.
“Biden was awful,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “He was the worst president ever. He drove the country into a depression, the greatest depression ever, and I got stuck with fixing the huge disasters he made.”
Trump was especially outraged to hear about Biden’s tariff war with China.
“Ol’ Joe was so out of it, he slapped a 145% tariff on Chinese imports,” Trump says, shaking his head in disbelief. “What kind of an idiot does that?! Everything’s made in China these days. My great MAGA and Trump Was Right About Everything hats, mugs, commemorative coins, t-shirts, silk jackets, Trumpinator sex toys, the fantastic Trump Bible, and more–they’re all made in China. Biden was senile and didn’t understand that tariffs increase the cost of imported goods. How could anyone be that dumb? Tariffs are taxes that consumers pay. But Biden started a global tariff war. He was a terrible and very reckless leader.”
Trump used his diplomatic magic to correct the situation.
“I wrote The Art of the Deal,” he boasts. “No one’s ever seen a better negotiator than me. I was able to talk China out of Biden’s ridiculous 145% tariff. I got it down to only 30%. Things from China will now only cost a third more, thanks to me! It’s a much better deal. I saved the economy.”
The big guy claims he is doing a “fabulous job” as president.
“Americans love having me in charge,” he says. “Because they know I’m honest, trustworthy, and predictable. That’s why I’m so incredibly popular. People love having a steady hand at the wheel, and that’s Trump.”
He smiles. “And, of course, the country also gets my big brain! Grocery and egg prices have never been cheaper, and everyone’s getting rich. So rich they don’t know what to do with all their money.“
Projectile vomiting begins in the press room.
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