Convicted Felon twice-impeached President Donald J. Trump isn’t doing anything for the American economy except cratering it, but he’s enriching himself immensely.
“I got a $400 million plane from Qatar,” Trump brags to The Lint Screen, “but I don’t want people to think you have to be a foreigner to bribe me. I accept dirty money from anywhere. In fact, I prefer shaking down Americans because I’m patriotic, but I don’t care if you’re white, black, brown, or yellow, if you’ve got the green, you can play. When it comes to crime, I support DEI.”
To make matters simple, Trump has recently published a “special favors” bribery rate card.
“If you’ve got a conviction, or someone you know is locked up, a million bucks buys you an instant presidential pardon,” Trump says. “If you were a vocal Trump supporter in the past, I’ll even give you a 0.25% discount. And if you’re frequently getting busted, Trump offers a Frequent Pardoners Club– you’ll earn one free pardon after purchasing your first ten.”
But let’s say you’re a shady figure who does pure evil and wants to remain anonymous, you can make “special requests” to the President via his $Trump coin.
“Crypto’s the best scam going,” Trump says. “You buy it, and no one knows anything about it except you, me, and a Swiss banker–– and he ain’t talking, trust me. Call and tell me what you want, and I’ll give you an instant quote. Buy your $Trump coin, and your wish magically comes true. I’m like a genie in the bottle who can grant your every wish.”
Trump smiles broadly. “No one’s ever seen grifting like this before. Only Trump could do anything like this and get away with it. I’m absolutely the greatest huckster ever. And if anyone tries to bust me, I’ll pardon myself.”
“That’s right, boss,” Speaker of the House pious Mike Johnson says. “May I kneel before you?”
“You’re the best, master,” V.P. J.D. Vance says. “And I love you more every day and want to kiss your soft lips.”
“Scram you two,” Trump yells. “You guys are creeping me out.”
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