Trump Appoints Ex-Fox News Delivery Guy As “Inflation Czar”

Suspected Pedophile President Donald J. Trump is tired of people questioning his honesty and integrity.

“I’ve been treated very unfairly,” Trump whines to The Lint Screen. “So I’m taking extreme measures to prove that every statement I make is the gospel truth.”

Trump named Ryan Foster Jones as the new “Inflation Czar” of the United States. His most recent position was serving as a lunch delivery person at Fox News in New York City.

“Ryan is a whiz kid,” Trump says. “He knows numbers backwards and forwards, inside and out. He’s smart as a whip. And I’ve had him looking over the latest inflation numbers since I took office and saved the country from the awful depression of Joe Biden’s economy.” Trump nudges his new employee. “Go on, Ryan, tell them what you found.”

“President Trump has done a phenomenal job,” the young man says.

“An incredible job,” Trump corrects. “Absolutely fantastic–– everyone says so. Go on.”

“Yes, sir. Gasoline is only $1.99 a gallon–-“

“No, Ryan. I think it’s only $1.79.”

“Yes, sir, right you are. $1.79.” He smiles nervously. “And drug prices are down 1500%.”

“I think you mean to say 1600%, didn’t you, Ryan?”

“Sorry, sir, you’re right—1600%. My bad. I’m stupid.”

“No problem, son, you’re new at the job. You’ll learn. Go on.”

“Grocery prices have never been lower. Everything’s almost free.”

“Ground beef is only a nickel a pound,” Trump says, smiling. “People are saving money like they can’t believe.”

“And the tariffs have made everything much, much cheaper.“

“Prices lower than anyone’s ever seen before. They have so much money they don’t know what to do with it. I told everyone to trust me, Ryan, but fake news is out to get me. Go on, put on the hat. The hat says it all!”

Ryan takes a hat from his back pocket and awkwardly places it on his head.

“That looks great. Tell them what it says,” Trump urges his latest cabinet member.

“Trump was right about everything,” the kid says shyly. “Everything.”

“That’s right. I was right about everything. You’re doing fantastic, Ryan. Keep up the fabulous work. Maybe this will shut up the negative nellies.

———————————————————————————————-
Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.