“They called me, crying,” Trump claims, “and said, ‘Please, sir, be our friend.'”

Last week’s meeting in China between its leader, Xi Jinping, Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi, President Vladimir “The Bad” Putin, Iranian President Masoud Pezeshkian, and North Korea’s Kim Jong Un was missing one critical world leader.

“They begged me to attend,” suspected pedo-President Donald Trump tells The Lint Screen, “but I didn’t feel like it. If China were closer, I would have gone. But I’m too busy overseeing the beautification of the White House, the military occupation of Washington, D.C., and my Department of War’s upcoming invasion of Chicago. What they’re doing to hot dogs and pizza is criminal.”

Although Trump wasn’t at the meeting, he reports that he was dearly missed.

“The guys all gathered for a conference call,” Captain Cankles claims. “They had tears in their eyes. All these big, powerful, strong men were crying–– crying like dogs. ‘Please, sir, please come and join us. We love you, sir, and admire the hard work you are doing to make America great again. You are the best president ever, sir. And we’re not just saying that.’ Trump grins. “No one’s ever seen anything like it. They admire me so much.”

Trump said he was touched when North Korea’s leader, Kim Jong Un, made an impassioned plea.”Kim and I have a beautiful relationship,” Trump brags. “Kim wrote me love letters. I’m the only one who could bring peace to North and South Korea. That’s 42 wars I’ve stopped so far, but I get no thanks for that.”

Chief Ghoul Stephen Miller rushes into the room and whispers into his master’s ear. He then scurries away as an angry cat chases the vermin.

“Stephen just said the Nobel Committee has not returned any of his calls about my Prizes,” Trump looks crestfallen. “So, we’re going to be forced to bomb Sweden–– it is Sweden, right? Maybe it’s Switzerland. Or is it Norway?” The addled old man shouts to his personal assistant. ” Becky, get Hegseth on the phone. We’re going to war with Sweden, Switzerland, and Norway!”

Trump smiles. “Watch and see how fast they get me my Nobel Peace Prizes.“

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