Trump’s SOTU Address Leaked to “The Lint Screen”

The White House is leaking like The Titanic as rats scramble to jump ship. An anonymous source dropped a parcel wrapped like The Maltese Falcon and delivered it to the Washington offices of respected news rag The Lint Screen. Here is an unedited section.

DJT: Good evening, members of my glorious MAGA cult, RINO traitors who will soon pay the price for their treason, and the very bad, not-so-nice, lunatic liberals hellbent on destroying our country, eating our precious babies, who we love so much, I love minors… and the three brave Supreme Court justices, Sam “Sammy Boy” Alito, Clarence “Black on Black” Thomas, and beer bong Kavanaugh. You other six Justices can go to hell for your un-American betrayal.

WAIT FOR STANDING OVATION, SMILE TO THE CAMERA–– REMEMBER TO BREATHE, SIR!

I am proud to report that the state of our union is stronger than it’s ever been. America is back, baby, thanks to my magnificent, unbelievably tremendous leadership! Pay homage, lemmings.

WAIT FOR ANOTHER STANDING OVATION AS ROSES ARE TOSSED ON STAGE ALONG WITH THE UNDERWEAR OF HOUSE MEMBERS. SMILE BIG FOR IVANKA––SHE MIGHT BE WATCHING.

America is officially the hottest country on Planet Earth. Joe Biden and the Democrats destroyed the United States of America. The economy was in the toilet. Illegal aliens were raping and murdering everyone, and eating all the dogs and cats.

WAIT FOR THE CHORUS OF BOOS TO DIE DOWN. RELIEVE YOURSELF IN YOUR DIAPER.

Manufacturing was horrible. Everyone was unemployed. Inflation was like nothing anyone has ever seen before. Penny candy cost ten dollars. And we were the laughingstock of the world. But Americans voted for Trump in an overwhelming landslide to come save the day.

WAIT FOR THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE AS GOP MEMBERS DROP TO THEIR KNEES AND GROVEL IN YOUR GLORY. TAKE A SIP OF WATER — REMEMBER TO SWALLOW, SIR!!!

Sleepy Joe Biden and his insane Democrats cheated me out of the 2020 election. It was awful cheating. Everyone knows that. Rudy and Mike Lindell said so. Trump won by huge numbers, but the Democrats had illegals voting and forced the country into the dark days of Biden.

WAIT FOR THE CROWD TO HANG BIDEN AND PENCE IN EFFIGY. SMILE TO THE CAMERA, COVER YOUR HANDS SO NO ONE SEES THE BRUISING.

Trump got into office, and everyone rejoiced. I fixed the economy with my brilliant tariffs. I brought in $19 trillion with tariffs, and I’ll soon be sending every American who voted for me a check for–– what do you think–– ten million dollars? Okay, then. Done! Ten million!!! You’re all millionaires!!!!!

WAIT FOR APPLAUSE AND HOOTS AND HOLLERS TO SUBSIDE. TURN TO MIKE JOHNSON AND GIVE A THUMBS UP SIGN. BE CAREFUL THAT HE DOESN’T HUMP YOUR LEG.

I fixed inflation. Prices have never been lower. Gas, rent, groceries– a word I made up – they’re all cheap. People can’t believe how little things cost. Cars and homes are also finally affordable. Many of my Mar-A-Lago members have two, three, or even ten houses. They all love Trump!!! They tell me that all the time at our Great Gatsby parties.

WAIT FOR ANOTHER STANDING OVATION. DO YOUR SIGNATURE Y.M.C.A. DANCE. PLEASE DON’T FALL OVER, SIR.

I also brought world peace. Peace like people couldn’t believe. FIFA and Russia gave me special peace prizes. It’s amazing that Trump has ended so many wars but never received a Nobel Peace Prize. None. Can you believe that? So unfair…

WAIT FOR THE BOOS TO END. SHAKE YOUR HEAD IN A DISAPPROVING MANNER.

But Trump didn’t cry about it. Trump is stronger than any man who wears a full face of makeup daily. Do we like that? I’m so handsome.

MUG TO CAMERA, AND WAIT FOR APPLAUSE TO SUBSIDE. TURN AROUND TO MAKE SURE J.D. ISN’T APPLYING FRESH MASCARA.

The speech goes on for 106 more pages. We’ll spare you the details.

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