The Lint Screen

Author: PD Scullin

  • Le Creme de Elite Superior Gifted Children Academy Commencement Address

    A student is stimulated by my inspiring words.
    A student is stimulated by my inspiring words.

    It’s a school that charges $34,600 tuition for the education of brilliant preschoolers, and I was privileged to deliver the commencement address to Le Creme de Elite Superior Gifted Children Academy in Belvedere, California.

    Here is the text of my speech.

    Good morning boys and girls, proud parents and esteemed teachers. What a beautiful day we have with Mr. Sun in all his gold circular glory and Miss Blue Sky presenting a canvas of peaceful tranquility! Thank you, God–– in the deity of your choice. Or, for the more scientific among you, props to the big bang theory!

    As I look out on your happy and innocent faces, I know that our country is in great shape because I see the future of America! And I am absolutely confident that somewhere in this room is a child who will grow up and find a solution to Earth’s changing climate problem. One of you will have to, kiddies, or the ice caps will melt and oceans will rise so that we’ll all be underwater and soon eaten by hungry killer sharks.

    Gee, that doesn’t sound like much fun, does it?

    And someone in your class will have to come up with a solution to the problem of war. If not, we’ll all be burned by horrific nuclear explosions melting our skins and flesh right off our faces. Ouchie, that’s going to hurt!!!

    Then there’s disease, my young friends. Who has the big brains to figure out how to protect all of humanity from the millions of deadly germs and bacterias out there waiting to ravage our bodies and wrestle us into ugly and very painful deaths?! Who will protect us?

    How about you, sweetie, in the front row? You look smart. Oh, now don’t cry, you don’t have to solve that problem. Let someone else do it.

    There’s an ice cream sandwich to whoever figures it out!

    Look, kids, it is a dangerous world but all the grown-ups here have complete confidence that you will fix all the problems we’re leaving behind for you. Think of it as a game and play whack-a-mole with all the troubles in this kooky world. It’ll be fun!!!

    It’s like you’ve always been told–– you are very, very special. And that’s why the adults are counting on you to clean up the problems we’re leaving behind. All it takes is an expensive education with lots of crushing student debt because of rising tuitions and paying the vig on student loans to the government!

    Now then, who’s ready for some cake and ice cream?!

  • Our Bad–– Lint Korrections

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    The Lint Screen editorial staff working hard

    The first man to walk on the moon, Paula Deen, once quipped, “To air is human, to forgive define.” It is in that spirit of definition that The Lint Screen prints this correction of goofs and blunders our editorial staff has made.
    + The Shining was written by Stephen King, not Martin Luther King
    + The Empire State Building does in fact contain elevators; we had reported that the tall building contains “a whole bunch of dumbwaiters and dudes with tired arms”
    + Ulysses S. Grant fought in The American Civil War, not “an epic 23-hour game of Risk”
    + The Beatles were known as “The Fab Four”, not Peter, Paul and Mary
    + Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. We had mistakenly disclosed that they “went up the hill to torch a couple spliffs of righteous bush, got totally baked and came tumbling down, man. Bummer!”
    + The Washington Monument is not shaped like the nation’s first president
    + Lebron James is a professional basketball player. We had erroneously reported that he was “the lesser known James brother in the rootin’ tootin’ wild, wild west!”
    + The name of the IBM computer that humiliated humanity playing Jeopardy was Watson, not “The Brainiac 6000”
    + Cats say “meow” and cows say “moo”–– not vice versa as we stated, although our reporter insists he’s heard cats moo

    Despite these few errors, please know that The Lint Screen will continue its mission to be the most trusted source of information and perfection on the internet.

    Thank you.
    The Editore

  • Snow Fears Fueled Georgia Gun Laws

    New Georgia gun laws will eliminate embarrassment caused by snowfall.
    New Georgia gun laws will eliminate embarrassment caused by unexpected snowfall.

    The state of Georgia is not known for liberalism, so how did its lawmakers pass one of the most liberal gun laws in the nation? The answer is cold.

    On January 28, two inches of snow paralyzed the city of Atlanta and its metro area of six million people. The incident, called “Snowpocalypse” made Atlanta a laughingstock for the rest of the country, and the weather caused havoc across the state. Proud Georgia lawmakers were not about to let Mother Nature embarrass them again. They immediately sprung into action.

    “We felt helpless,” said Jimmy “Wheedle” Bimkirk, a state representative. “We needed to do something about the hostile weather attacking us. So we decided to pass a law giving folks the opportunity to arm themselves so they could stand and protect themselves.”

    Bimkirk explained that the new gun laws allow citizens “to buy and carry weapons darn near anywhere so that they can stand their ground protecting it from snow or anything else they don’t care for. An armed citizenry is the best protection against snowflakes hitting the ground and causing us all kinds of grief. We’ll just shoot them flakes in the air! Die snowflakes, die! Problem solved, easy as pie.”

    And so, effective July 1, Georgians can arm themselves for protection against the elements. “We all love Mother Nature,” Bimkirk said, “but sometimes she needs to be put in her place. An armed militia can do that and protect our sacred ground.”

  • Obama Wants Bundy To Serve

    Rancher Bundy to be called on to wrangle the bad guys!
    Rancher Bundy to be called on to wrangle the bad guys!

    Cliven Bundy, the Nevada rancher who recently began a bromance with Sean Hannity over his refusal to pay federal grazing fees, may be in line for an important job with the federal government. Rumors are circulating that President Obama would like to dispatch Bundy as a special envoy in helping improve U.S. relations worldwide.

    A White House insider said, “The President sees the value of having an astute historian and negotiator like Mr. Bundy working on behalf of the nation, so Obama wants to dispatch him to trouble spots like Russia, Iran and North Korea. Obama is confident the rancher can help ease world troubles with his open-minded approach to solving issues. He believes Bundy will click with Putin, Ali Khamenei and Kim Jong-un. The Chief Executive thinks Bundy should travel with Dennis Rodman for an introduction to the North Korean leader. The president plans to use drones to monitor Bundy’s progress in his new role. The only problem with the plan is that Mr. Bundy refuses to recognize the federal government, but I think he can be persuaded with a big enough white hat to wear.”

  • Job Hunters: Tell A Good Story

    CA Resume

    I’m a pack rat. I have separation issues with stuff–– my issue being I rarely separate from it. But sometimes, one has to ditch things lest one appear featured in a “Hoarders” episode. So, down to the storage area of the basement I went.

    I had piles of work created over my advertising career. Much of it, I’d rather forget. I began filling a large box with things to jettison, and placing keepsake samples to keep in a smaller plastic box (until the next time I go through them).

    In sorting through my archives, I came across my all-time favorite resume created back in my California days. The concept was simple: use the business cards I had accumulated as the visual touchstones of my career. Beneath each card, a few sentences that explained what I did at that company and why I left there. That’s it.

    There was no B.S. about “being a natural problem solver” or “an enthusiastic and passionate professional” or “in the eternal pursuit of excellence.”

    No. It was just the truth, told with a little humor.

    The resume was a hit with all who saw it. It was an instant conversation starter. Mission accomplished.

    I share this resume to pique your curiosity. How can you tell your story in an interesting way?

    Don’t just be a natural problem solver who is an enthusiastic and passionate professional pursuing excellence. Do something more honest and interesting.

    Happy hunting.

  • Afghans Vote To Abolish Purple Ink

    Afghans sick and tired of purple ink dipping.
    Afghans sick and tired of purple ink dipping.

    The population of Afghanistan turned out in droves today in a special election to abolish purple ink in the country.

    “We’re sick and tired of dipping our index finger in the stuff after we vote,” said an irate Afghan man, age 58, who ironically had to dip his finger into purple ink after casting his vote. “The stupid stuff stains the index finger, and no amount of scrubbing can remove the unsightly purple stain it leaves behind. Makes us look like a bunch of Minnesota Vikings fans, or stupid supporters of Barney the dinosaur. It’s disgusting!”

    A young Afghanistan woman agreed. “I don’t know why we have to live in such appalling conditions. It seems other countries can vote without dipping, why can’t we? The ink does a number on my cuticle. And purple is such an awful color to accessorize. Enough already!”

    Even with so many stating their displeasure, there is speculation that the election is rigged and that the tradition of purple ink-dipping will continue. “The Taliban has the purple ink market cornered,” said an insider who wished to remain anonymous to maintain his ability to breathe. “Purple dipping represents a huge business for the Taliban. That, heroin, and cotton candy sales.”