The Lint Screen

Author: PD Scullin

  • Star Talk Revealed

    Exclusive transcript of Jordan-Culkin-Jackson meeting
    Exclusive transcript of the incredible Jordan-Culkin-Jackson meeting

    If one ever wished to be a fly, one would wish to be a fly on the wall when three great talents met: Michael Jordan, Macaulay Culkin and Michael Jackson. In a exclusive scoop, The Lint Screen has acquired a transcript of their 1992 conversation, saving you the bother of being transformed into a fly and going into a time machine (that’s the kind of bennies we give our readers here!).

    THE THREE GREATS OF THEIR RESPECTIVE GAMES MET FOR A RARE CONVERSATION AT A PHOTO OP ARRANGED BY THEIR PUBLICISTS IN LOS ANGELES ON JUNE 9, 1992. WHAT FOLLOWS IS THE ENTIRE TRANSCRIPT OF THEIR HISTORIC MEETING AND CONVERSATION. NOTE, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED ON USAGE OF ANY INSIGHTS EXPRESSED.

    Jordan: So…
    Jackson: Yeah.
    Jordan: Right.
    Culkin: Yeah. Right.
    Jackson: (GIGGLES) You said it.
    Culkin: I did.
    Jackson: (GIGGLES)
    Jordan: Oh, yes, I know you did.
    Culkin: I know you know I did.
    ALL THREE CELEBRITIES LAUGH FOR 48-SECONDS. LAUGHTER DIES DOWN, FOLLOWED BY AN AWKWARD SIX MINUTES OF SILENCE.

    Jackson: Nice weather.
    Jordan: You mean today?
    Jackson: Yeah. Today.
    Jordon: Uh-huh. It is nice.
    Culkin: I like sunny days.
    Jackson: (GIGGLES) Yeah. Me, too.
    Jordan: They’re better than stormy days!
    Jackson: I’ll say!
    ALL THREE CELEBRITIES LAUGH FOR 21-SECONDS. THE LAUGHTER DIES DOWN, FOLLOWED BY A SOMEWHAT AWKWARD TWO MINUTES OF SILENCE.

    Jordon: Well, this has been fun.
    Culkin: I’ll say. Lots of fun.
    Jackson: A blast!
    Jordon: Let’s stay in touch.
    Jackson: Absolutely.
    Culkin: Yeah.
    Jordan: You guys take care.
    Culkin: You, too.
    Jackson: Play basketball! (GIGGLES)
    Jordan: It’s what I do.
    ALL THREE CELEBRITIES LAUGH FOR 6-SECONDS. LAUGHTER DIES DOWN. SHUFFLING OF FEET AS VARIOUS PUBLICISTS ESCORT CELEBRITIES AWAY.

    And… scene!

  • Man Killed in Tragic April Fools Prank

    Deadly copperhead snakes works with black widow spiders to kill man
    Deadly copperhead snakes works with black widow spiders to kill man

    April Fools Day celebrates wacky hijinks, but sometimes those shenanigans can have a dark and deadly side, as 46-year-old Tom Cronler discovered this morning outside his home in Powdersville, South Carolina.

    Cronler got into his car to go to work and was bitten repeatedly by copperhead snakes and black widow spiders that had been placed there by his practical joking 44-year-old next door neighbor, Pete Muskes.

    “It was an accident,” Muskes said. “I just wanted to give ol’ Tomcat a surprise wake up call with the spiders and snakes. I thought he’d appreciate my zany madcap stunt and maybe try and offer me an exploding cigar or something in retaliation. But I guess Tom was allergic to poison. I don’t know, it’s kind of weird to think my innocent little joke had deadly consequences, but, hey–– what can you do?”

    Muskes was arrested pending the sense of humor of a judge.

  • Georgia Passes Law Putting Churches in Gun Stores

    Let us pray, then reload.
    Let us pray, then reload. Amen

    The Georgia state legislature has passed a groundbreaking law requiring all gun stores to offer religious services.

    Rep. Phil Muffordy of Rome, Georgia explained his thinking behind the law passed today. “We were going to pass a law allowing guns in church, but I thought, why not shoot two birds with one bullet? Let’s just put the dang church in the gun store so you can worship while re-loading. Makes sense, doesn’t it? And since there’ll be armed folks ushering, I’m sure the take in the collection plates will be plentiful. My law’s proof God didn’t give us big brains for nothing.”

    When asked what denomination the churches would be, Muffordy pulled a Glock and pointed it at this reporter’s head. Then he slowly asked, “What kind of stupid question is that, boy–– you Al-Qaeda, or something?!”

    This reporter wet himself, cried and prayed.

  • Putin Kills Galifinakis

    Greek funny man killed by serious Russian madman
    Greek funny man killed by serious Russian madman

    In a classic case of misunderstanding, comedian Zach Galifinakis heard that Russian leader Vladimir Putin wanted to appear on his show “Between Two Ferns” because “he wanted to kill.” The chubby comic thought this meant that the top commie wanted to “kill” in the comedy sense of making the audience laugh. Instead, Putin appeared on the show and bludgeoned Galifinakis to death with a dull machete.

    Insiders say that the Russian leader was upset that President Barack Obama recently was a guest between the ferns and was considered funny by many people. Putin wanted “to appear strong, not like a pantywaist clown-man-child.”

    Obama appeared on “Between Two Ferns” to promote his signature legislation, The Affordable Care Act. Although the jury is still out if his appearance boosted enrollment, one body was conspicuously absent: the dead body of Zach Galifinakis.

    Ironically, he died with no insurance which was tragic since paramedics were available to treat him but instead let him bleed out due to lack of insurance.

    Pussy Riot will play at the comedian’s funeral.

  • Cat Engages In Landmark Mouse Talks

    Gemini D. Cat ready to talk turkey with mouse.
    Gemini D. Cat ready to talk turkey with mouse.

    In a historic first, a representative of the powerful feline force has agreed to embark on peace talks with a member of the mice coalition.

    Gemini, a two-year old mix breed cat, has agreed to discuss a settling of age old disputes with the mice population.

    “If they come to terms, this could be a real game changer for animal relations,” said Dr. Benjamin S. Boxtopz of the Rodney King School of Political Science at Stanford University. The doctor propped his feet on the desk and continued his lecture.

    “In 1962, talks were scheduled between Tom and Jerry but they never materialized due to the lady of house putting Tom outside. Of course, there were rumors of a peace settlement between Wile E. Coyote and The Road Runner in 1980, but those rumors were squashed when an anvil mysteriously landed on Wile E. Coyote’s head.” The good doctor lit his pipe and puffed on it reflectively. “If these cat and mouse talks come to fruition, one can only hope it leads to peace talks between cats and dogs. They’ve been fighting like Arabs and Jews for eons.”

  • Lint Oscars

    Just imagine this shaped like an Oscar statuette. Wouldn't that be something?!
    Imagine this shaped like an Oscar statuette. Wouldn’t that be something?!

    Tonight’s the big show in L.A. where Hollywood honors its own, and while The Lint Screen doesn’t have a clue how the statues will be dealt, this is a quick round up of what we (I) liked.

    Best picture: Philomena. A movie that’s got a great, true story with wonderful performances. Judi Dench can rip your heart out with one eye tied behind her back. It’s got heart, big heart. Close runner up: Wolf of Wall Street. Yeah, it shows greed, drugs, sex, overindulgent narcissistic pricks on parade. We’re talking Wall Street, dammit! The script by Terrence Winters is the best. Three action-packed hours with nary a wasted scene. Oh, and this Marty Scorsese fellow, well, let’s just say the guy’s got a future in film.

    Also in the top tier: Nebraska. Bruce Dern and Will Forte bring a colorful strained family relationship to life in this black and white beauty. A damn fine film.

    Dallas Buyers Club. McConaughey and Leto are probably locks for Oscars, and they deserve it. This is a moving movie made sadder by the fact that it’s mostly true.

    Inside Llewyn Davis. Hollywood and the public didn’t give this flick much love, but it’s a rich story of the struggles of the artistic journey. Think art sells itself? Think again. The Coen brothers once again deliver the goods, and T. Bone will have your toes a-tapping.

    American Hustle. Yes, the performance are a feast. A fun film that’s confusing at times, and a satisfying ride. But when it’s all over, well, there you are. A must see, but not one for the ages.

    Here is a drive by of other major films.

    Captain Phillips is gripping and Hanks and Barkhad Abdi own their slabs of silver screen. But the Cappy’s backstory feels forced. And we all know the ending. Good film, but not great.

    Gravity is an incredible film for technical whizbangery, and the acting’s fine, but the dialogue and the story are pretty thin. (Probably also not a good idea to see this film with a N.A.S.A. engineer, like I did, who explained all the logic and physics flaws.)

    Her is a film that I liked quite a bit. Actually, I like the idea of the film better than the film itself. It makes some very good points, societal commentary while you wait, but it’s somewhat labored and repetitive after awhile. It is frightening to see our future with Sans-a-belt slacks up to our bellybuttons. Still, this is a movie worth watching for the ideas and performances.

    Oh, how I wanted to love 12 Years a Slave. If ever there was a subject more ripe for moving one emotionally, this was it. But, the movie missed. Again, it’s a very good film, but not a great one. A pity. Something was off.

    Saving Mr. Banks was surprisingly good. Emma Thompson is terrific, and the story is engaging, entertaining and compelling. Hanks as Disney is fun, too. Give it a go.

    Ron Howard’s Rush is also a film to seek out. A very interesting true story about Formula 1 racing in the 1970’s is a wild ride. It’s well-told, well-acted, well-shot. Well, see it already!

    And then there’s Woody Allen’s Blue Jasmine, a film that’s fun with a character who is hard to take. A good flick.

    I also liked Lee Daniels’ The Butler, well worth renting for Forest Whitaker’s performance and lots of fine cameos. Interesting tale and true. Plus Oprah, who never once asks us to look beneath our seats.

    That’s it. A pretty great year for film. Now, let’s see what the industry recognizes.