The Glorious Leader takes a bride, and it is the best thing that has ever occurred on Planet Earth!In a surprising development, North Korean leader Kim Jong Il has married a vegetable in a formal state ceremony. The country’s population has been ordered to celebrate joyously.
In a formal press release issued this morning, it was reported “The Supreme Leader has taken a bride of the utmost virtue and honor. The Father Supreme will now be Groom Generalissimo to a coveted creature who is the center and sole focus of his superbly excellent love and devotion. Our Benevolent Lord will be the most perfect husband ever to this adoring bride, and as an offering to her greatness, he has pledged to never cook her in a pot of boiling water. Truly, no man has ever loved as our Master loves!”
A cynical state department official said that the move by Kim Jong Il is “a desperate attempt to grab some limelight away from Moammar Gadhafi and Charlie Sheen. The North Korean leader is deadly afraid of not being the craziest person on the planet. This vegetable stunt should get him back in the race.”
Neither Gadhafi or Sheen could be reached for comment.
Innocent– for now!The suspect taken into custody by Farmville authorities on Friday was released this morning.
In a prepared statement, Farmville Police Chief Maxwell “Hurly Burly” Weatherton said “The suspect hired a shiny-suited attorney who made the case for an alleged airtight alibi. I wasn’t buying it, but apparently the gullible judge was so stupid, he took the bait. Now the jailbird flies free!”
The alibi is that the suspect, Randy McNurty, lives in Second Life and has been involved with a performance art project whereby he is observed by others as he goes through the routine and drudgery of his second life. McNurty’s project has been surprisingly popular with thousands of avatars viewing his ‘life performance’ regularly on TV and are willing to vouch for the fact that the performance artist has not been in Farmville in the past year, when medical examiners determined the mass killing of 246 people took place. The horrendous gravesite was discovered in Farmville on March 3rd.
McNurty was quickly shuttled from the jail into a waiting limousine. His face was bleeding and severely bruised. Police Chief Maxwell “Hurly Burly” Weatherton said McNurty was probably clumsy and must have slipped and fell repeatedly during his stay at the Farmville crossbar hotel. The Chief was asked if authorities had any new leads or suspects in the case. “Yes,” he said gruffly, “anybody and everybody!” He walked away briskly discharging his gun into the air.
One happy byproduct of the tragedy is that the gravesite soil is rich in nutrients thanks to the decomposition of Farmville characters. Residents say the mass gravesite will be fertile ground for any crops and thus prime real estate for the upcoming planting season.
Did evil lurk along this hallway? Authorities wonder.The Lint Screen has learned that authorities have apprehended a suspect in the gruesome killings of 246 people in the quiet social gaming community of Farmville.
The unnamed suspect had been staying at a Deep Discounter Inn in the nearby town of Shadyville. In an early morning raid Friday, the suspect was taken into custody after having been given a thorough police beating and a good talking-to.
Farmville Police Chief Maxwell “Hurly Burly” Weatherton refused commenting on the case against the suspect except to say that “he could take a punch” and “he seems pretty guilty to me.”
“The no goodnik has lawyered-up, which means he’s probably guilty as sin,” said Chief Weatherton as he iced-down his fists. “We think we’ve definitely got our man. We can’t be spending all our time looking for a killer. We want to shut this case as quickly as we can and get back to farming and earning farm coins. This is an open and shut case as far as I’m concerned. If we have to slap the scales of justice upside his head to get a confession, we will.”
246 bodies found in Farmville’s ghastly gravesite. The community is shaken, hungry and nervous!The social network gaming community is devastated by the tragic news that a horrific gravesite containing 246 bodies has been discovered in the peaceful and cooperative community of Farmville.
“It’s the worst thing anyone here could imagine” said Farmville Mayor, Winslow “Winky-Dinky” Spitoomber. “Murder really isn’t part of our social fabric. We’re usually a very peaceful, helpful community looking to build together with a common purpose. Now that this awful event has happened, we’re probably going to have some trouble attracting visitors. The value of farm coins could plummet and we may be headed toward a death spiral. But we still have one of the best climates on the internet.”
Medical examiners report the bodies had been hung, bludgeoned by blunt objects, shot, had their throats slit, axed to death and run over by a tractor. Police have identified most of the bodies as “migrant workers, drifters, sidewinders, short order cooks, human resources professionals, hair care stylists, insurance salespeople and dental technicians.”
“At this time,” reported Police Chief Maxwell “Hurly Burly” Weatherton, “we have no suspect, but lots of hunches and twitchy feelings. We believe the person or persons who did these gruesome acts is not normal and may have some anger management issues. In my professional opinion, it’s a pickle. A true blue pickle of a pickle!”
The place to be tonight is running your feets here!This is where your feet want to be tonight because this is where Hollywood royalty does the perp walk before prostrating themselves before the fatted golden little man named Oscar and anyone who is anyone is totally here and as glammed-up as thirsty angels going out on a Saturday night bender and look who’s coming now– it’s Natalie Portman of Black Swan fame and she is gorgeously decked-out in a pink taffeta tutu number with black fishnet stockings and purple plastic kneecap protectors and what’s that she’s eating– it’s planks of chicken tenders and she’s dunking them in a small bucket of cream gravy a servant is carrying and oopsie-daisy a glop o’ gravy just hit the red carpet and that is going to leave an awful greasy stain and who is this coming– why it’s True Grit’s own Jeff Bridges and he is gussied-up in a cowboy theme of leather chaps, no pants, and a red bandana tied ’round his neck and he has an eyepatch covering his right nipple and I think this may be the fashion statement of the evening but WAIT, here comes Helena Bonham Carter of The King’s Speech and she is gorgeous in an all white nurse’s outfit and bright red pumps but it looks like she’s tracking something all over the carpet and by the smell of it I think she may not have watched her step around her dogs, and oh my word here’s her leading man Kingy-poo, Colin Firth, and he apparently did not know that The Oscars are a formal affair– he’s wearing tattered jeans, a faded Led Zep tee and Crocs, oh, he must feel out of place but look who’s coming now– it’s bad boy Charlie Sheen and he smells like he has been partying for days and oh my goodness, he’s making sick all over Melissa Leo’s gown and the red carpet and here comes The Situation from Jersey Shore drinking red wine from the bottle and fortunately he has been tasered and the wine has spilled all over the carpet, that stain will never come out, and the cops are dragging him away in handcuffs, oh I wish you could see the action here on the red carpet– it is SOMETHING but I am going to have a long night trying to get this red carpet clean again…
Oh, the things people do to get one of these babies…In preparation for the upcoming Academy Awards Ceremony, The Lint Screen has dug deep to unearth ten fascinating tidbits your big brain probably didn’t know that it didn’t know.
1. Aaron Sorkin wrote the 164-page screenplay for The Social Network in a Starbucks on Montana Avenue in Santa Monica in the time it took him to drink a Venti Caramel Macchiatto. What makes this fact even more amazing is that he actually resisted the siren call of the raspberry scones.
2. That scene in Inception where the street rolls up and everything gets all kaflooey–– done with bulldozers. And very skilled magicians.
3. While Natalie Portman did a magnificent job learning to dance ballet in Black Swan, she almost killed herself with a misstep while dancing the hokey-pokey at a cast party. “Natalie is a natural athlete,” said a choreographer on the picture. “While she’s quite gifted and graceful putting her left foot in and putting her left foot out, she is a total klutz in the shaking it all about department. Please don’t tell her I said that– I can’t survive another one of her beatings!”
4. The original title for The Kids Are All Right was Baba O’Reily.
5. Being a dedicated method actor, Jeff Bridges gouged his left eye out of his skull and had it replaced with a glass eyeball for the filming of True Grit. But before shooting began, directors Joel and Ethan Coen decided they preferred Rooster Cogburn’s right eye to be covered with the eyepatch. Bridges went to his trailer and stumbled back to the set wearing the eyepatch over his right eye.
6. James Franco did not really saw his arm off in 127 Hours, but his stunt double, now called Lefty, is pretty bitter about the entire filming experience.
7. Colin Firth not only faked his stammer in The King’s Speech, he also sewed all the costumes for the wardrobe department. “I’m quite good with a needle and thread,” said the handsome actor. “It helps to calm my nerves. I have a collection of thimbles that is quite modestly second to none. I say, would you like some cuffs on your trousers, guvnor?”
8. All the actors in Winter’s Bone had distinguished British accents and performed on horseback. The horses were removed in post production.
9. In Toy Story 3, Woody and Buzz got into a huge fight at the craft services table. Woody was hospitalized for two days and Buzz required six stitches and heavy make-up to cover his bruises. The two did not speak off camera at all after the incident.
10. The entire film The Fighter–– done in one take. All the sweat? Fake.
