Many people are shocked to learn that in a recent test, 77% of Oklahoma high school students could not name the first president of these United States.
It’s obvious we are failing our children by expecting them to know way too much intellectual stuff, so I propose a slight modification to the design of our one dollar bill to assist education. My re-designed $1 bill will help kids learn. I hope.
What do you think? Any ideas on how to help the 90% of students who didn’t know how many Supreme Court justices there are?
We need ideas, people– it’s takes a village to ensure we don’t raise village idiots.
The world is abuzz, aflutter, a-something, with the recent release of the entire recorded catalog of The Beatles, meticulously digitally remastered.
While many will wrestle with the decision of paying almost $300 for the remastered set, you should know some of the hidden gems unearthed by these incredible technological wonders. Oh, you saucy lads– let’s rock again, shall we? Yes, let’s do! Play that funky music, white boys!
1. “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” is restored with the missing Gregorian chant track featuring The Monks of the Benedictine Abbey Road. While producer George Martin thought the background vocals dragged the pace of the song down, they do lend an interesting texture and depressing patina that sells the intense yearning for holding ‘your hand.’
2. The re-mix on “I Feel Fine” reveals the previously hidden lyrics: “I’m in love with her and I feel fine/ well, actually I’m a bit congested and have some flu-like symptoms/ best to get to a chemist’s shoppe after this session/ got no time to get sick/ hope I’m not coming down with something…”
3. A refreshed, revitalized“Eleanor Rigby” unearths a hidden track of Marcel Marceau pantomiming the sorrow that Eleanor feels throughout the song. Although one must strain to hear the masterful mime at work– frowning, pretending to wring his sopping hankie of tears and walking against the wind to go to her grave in the cemetery– the impact is felt deeply. The song achieves new poignancy, sadness, depth, and announces to the world “It truly sucks to be Eleanor Rigby.”
4. McCartney’s classic song “Yesterday” enjoys a new day in the sun with the alternate lyrics mixed in: “Yesterday/ saw a movie starring Danny Kaye/ it was good, I have to say/ oh, I really love my Danny Kaye.” Although McCartney has long denied an infatuation for Danny Kaye, these lyrics prove otherwise.
5. While you probably know Eric Clapton plays the guitar solo on George Harrison’s “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” you’ve never heard it like this. The re-mastered version allows you to hear Clapton’s stomach growling during his performance. Following his solo, you can clearly hear Clapton’s voice off-mike asking “What’s a fellow have to do for a sandwich, some chips, a kidney pie, or something? A bowl of gruel, a bite of something, please. I’m starving here!”
6. Despite the long time rumor that at the end of “Strawberry Fields Forever”, John says, “I buried Paul”, the newly re-mastered version clearly has Lennon saying, “I cremated Paul.”
7. The stories of the rifts among The Beatles comes to clear audio life with some of the re-mastered songs. In the revised “Yellow Submarine” you can hear Ringo call McCartney “an overbearing codger” and Paul responding “shut up, you gormless git!” In the re-engineered “Long And Winding Road”, one can actually hear a fistfight break out between Lennon and McCartney, along with the sound of Yoko Ono being thrown through the air and crashing onto an amp, cursing McCartney and knocking over Ringo’s drum kit while accidentally stepping on a cat and dragging her nails across a chalkboard and tripping a fire alarm.
8. On Lennon’s “Revolution 9” track from The White Album, the re-mastered version reveals the following previously unheard lyric, “mumbler mime” instead of “number nine.” Apparently, this was an insulting reference to Marcel Marceau who was a notorious low talker. When Marceau heard about the snide insult, he pretended to punch Lennon. John decked him.
There are many more audio gems to be discovered in this digital dive. Grab your wallets and go!
For those parents cruel enough to subject their children to the speech made by President Barack Obama in schools today, you’d better start a shrink trust fund. The damage is done!Hope you’re happy, Mr. President! You’ve ruined millions!
“My kid’s upstairs now crying his little eyeballs out,” reported an upset father in Texas. “He came home and said that mean ol’ president said that he had to study hard and that education was real important to get ahead in life. My boy got his little heart busted into a million tiny pieces by Obama’s talk! I wished we’d of home schooled the boy instead of sending him to that no good school, I surely do. I could teach him his gozintas. Two gozinta four twice times. See that? Teaching’s easy as pie. ”
A third grader in Alabama had this to say following the speech: “The president said we got to respect our parents and teachers and grown ups and I don’t need him giving me sassmouth and telling me what to do!”
A sixth grader in Pennsylvania was outraged by what he heard. “Who does this guy think he is, anyway? If I don’t like homework, I ain’t going to do it just ’cause he says so. Who died and made him God?”
A fourth grade girl in Florida said, “Obama kept talking about working hard to be successful but I don’t like working. And he didn’t say anything about getting more allowance if I did work hard. What a gyp! He’s trying to trick us.”
Finally, a seven grade boy in Georgia said, “I kept telling the teacher to change the channel to ESPN, but she wouldn’t. And my stupid parents wonder why I hate school so much.”
What will become of this lost generation? Only time and their psychiatrists will tell.
Many parents are outraged that President Barack Obama will soon be speaking directly to their children at schools via a “magic picture box” called TV.
Some parents are so upset, they are keeping their children out of school to avoid the political nature of Obama’s speech. Who could blame them?!Quick– duck, cover, hide, children! It’s The President!
The White House recently shared an advance copy of the speech in hopes of quieting angry parents. Fat chance! Listen to some of the outrageous things Obama will be telling our children:
“… get your homework done, and don’t spend every waking hour in front of the TV, or with that Xbox.” WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS? THIS IS AMERICA, IF MY KIDS WANT TO WATCH TV OR PLAY XBOX INSTEAD OF DOING HOMEWORK, THAT’S THEIR RIGHT. IT SAYS SO IN THE CONSTITUTION!
Every single one of you has something you’re good at. Every single one of you has something to offer. And you have a responsibility to yourself to discover what that is. HEY, WHAT AM I PAYING TAXES FOR? WHY SHOULD MY KIDS HAVE TO DISCOVER WHAT THEY’RE GOOD AT? AND WHO DOES OBAMA THINK HE IS ASKING MY KIDS TO WORK? DOES MY TAX MONEY PAY THEIR ALLOWANCES?! I DON’T THINK SO.
“And no matter what you want to do with your life– I guarantee you’ll need an education to do it.” OH YEAH? WHAT IF MY KIDS WIN THE LOTTERY? THAT DON’T TAKE NO BOOK LEARNIN’… AND THEY MIGHT JUST DO IT, CAUSE IT’S THEIR RIGHT… SAYS SO IN THE CONSTITUTION!
“We need every single one of you to develop your talents, skills and intellect so you can help solve our most difficult problems.” OUR FOREFATHERS DIDN’T DIE TO MAKE OUR KIDS SOLVE DIFFICULT PROBLEMS. THEY SOLVED THEM AND PUT THE ANSWERS IN THE CONSTITUTION SO OUR KIDS COULD WATCH TV AND PLAX XBOX INSTEAD OF HURTING THEIR HEADS THINKING.
My father left my family when I was two years old, and I was raised by a single mother who struggled at time to pay the bills and wasn’t always able to give us things other kids had. HEY, DUDE, YOU’RE BUMMING MY KIDS OUT! LIGHTEN UP, BUDDY!
“… I hope you’ll all wash your hands a lot, and stay home from school when you don’t feel well, so we can keep people from getting the flu this fall and winter.” WHERE’S HE GET OFF TELLING MY KIDS TO WASH THEIR HANDS?! TELL THE GOVERNMENT TO KEEP THEIR GRUBBY SOCIALISTIC MITTS OFF MY KIDS’ SANITARY HABITS. AND IF THEY GO TO SCHOOL SICK AND SOME OTHER KID GETS THE FLU, TOUGH LUCK. THAT’S THE DEMOCRACY OF GERMS AND THEY ARE PROTECTED UNDER THE CONSTITUTION.
“If you get a bad grade, that doesn’t mean you’re stupid, it just means you need to spend more time studying.” IF MY KIDS ARE STUPID, THAT’S NONE OF THE LIBERAL GOVERNMENT’S BEE’S WAX. IF THEY DOESN’T WANT TO SPEND MORE TIME STUDYING, SO WHAT– XBOX IS MORE FUN AND THAT’S THEIR CHOICE! MAYBE THE GOVERNMENT SHOULDN’T GIVE BAD GRADES IN THE FIRST PLACE. I THINK IT SAYS IN THE CONSTITUTION THAT ALL AMERICANS ARE STRAIGHT-A STUDENTS!!!
“Don’t be afraid to ask help when you need it. I do that every day. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. It shows you have the courage to admit when you don’t know something, and to learn something new.” NOW THAT JUST PUTS A CHERRY ON IT! IF MY KIDS DON’T KNOW SOMETHING THEY SHOULD JUST ACT LIKE THEY DO… AND HOW DID WE EVEN ELECT A PRESIDENT WHO DOESN’T KNOW EVERYTHING? HE’S SUPPOSED TO. SAYS SO IN THE CONSTITUTION.
“I expect you to put your best effort into everything you do. I expect great things from each of you. So don’t let us down– don’t let your family or your country or yourself down.” IF MY KIDS WANT TO SERVE HEAPING DISHES OF DISAPPOINTMENT, THAT’S THEIR BUSINESS. THEY DON’T HAVE TO TRY JUST BECAUSE YOU SAY SO, MR. SUIT-WEARING-LIVING-IN-A-BIG-WHITE-HOUSE GUY. QUIT PUTTING SO MUCH PRESSURE ON MY KIDS– IT’LL PLAY MIND GAMES ON THEM WHEN THEY’RE PLAYING XBOX!!!
Have you heard the scuttlebutt about this ad created by DDB Brasil allegedly for the Worldwide Wildlife Federation?It’s amazing what some people will do to win awards.
The clever agency created this shocking image of many planes targeting the NYC skyline and married the following inane copy to complete the picture: “The tsunami killed 100 times more people than 9/11. The planet is brutally powerful. Respect it. Preserve it. www.wwf.org” All anchored by the cute panda bear WWF logo. Awww, I just wanna cuddle with it!
Now get a load of this: the WWF never approved the ad, yet it somehow ran once in a small newspaper making it eligible for entry in award shows, then it “accidentally” was entered in The One Show where it won a merit award. Yee-haw!
Oh, and oops, a little video was made of the same concept and entered in Cannes, where fortunately it was little noticed or awarded.
This is exactly the kind of crap that makes our industry a joke to legitimate businesses and why clients happily pay outside consultants and question every invoice we deliver. It’s not just the chasing of awards, but it’s doing it with lame in-your-face concepts with loopy logic. “The planet is brutally powerful”— curse you Mother Earth, you and your untimely earthquakes underwater! I will respect you! I will preserve you!
It’s an asinine ad. The video is even worse since it brings the bad taste comparison to inglorious low budget life.
If there is any justice, this agency will suffer for their boneheaded grab at a little glory, business will leave and bodies will fall.
The planet will smugly giggle. She’s brutally powerful that way.
Recently, I toured the infamous Alcatraz prison facility in the San Francisco bay. This federal penitentiary went by many nicknames: “The Rock”, “The Really Large Pebble”, “Scamp Camp”, and “Motel 6/San Francisco.” Picture of The Birdman’s famous escape from Alcatraz.
It was where “the worst of the worst” served the hardest of times. Al Capone, ‘Machine Gun’ Kelley, ‘Stabby’ McIntree, ‘Spit on Sidewalks’ Punlips– they all attended this Bad Boy U.
I walked into a cell in cellblock D and saw a small hole in the wall between the cot and the toilet. I caught a glimpse of yellow paper and reached in. It was some handwritten notes, memoirs of an unknown prisoner about his Alcatraz experience. I quickly tucked the papers into my pocket since extracting anything from a national park is probably illegal (that didn’t stop me from swiping a sequoia from Muir Woods). I reprint the entire content of the yellow pages here to expose the horrors of life in Alcatraz prison.
“April 3. Cold day. Last night I nearly froze to death. Requested an extra down comforter but the lousy guard refused. Gave me a heavy cotton blanket instead. Refused to tuck me in or tell a story. The sheets on this cot are like sandpaper. Thread count is 300–or less. No down pillow, either. How do they expect people to live like this?”
“April 12. Had a visit from the ol’ ball and chain with my kids. Bobbie’s growing like a weed. Pam’s almost tall as her mother (Alice is so competitive, she’s taken to standing on tippy toes). They were going to visit Coit Tower that afternoon. I asked the guard if I could join them– I’d come right back. I pinky promised, too. Guard said, ‘No.’ What a cruel bastard!”
“May 1. Sick of ‘The Birdman’– all he does is beg for bread then crap all over the place.”
“May 22. I swear I can’t take this place much longer. This morning, I ordered a Denver omelette with egg whites only. No dice. The stupid chef used whole eggs– yolks and all! My butt’s starting to look huge in my prison pants. It’s impossible to diet in here and these get-ups are hardly flattering. That does it, I’m letting myself go…”
“May 23. Chef has it in for me. Last night, I ordered my ribeye steak medium rare. I got it well done. The watercress in my salad was wilted and the candied walnuts were stale. My potatoes lyonnaise had a heavy peppering and the wine was pedestrian, at best. At least the cherries jubiliee were acceptable. How’s a guy supposed to live on this garbage?!”
“May 24. Enough! The dining situation here is unacceptable! For last evening’s service, the linen tablecloths were as yellow as a dog’s teeth. The candles were nubs. AND– I still can’t believe this– there were no crab forks for our shellfish– we had to use our salad forks!!! How much longer can I endure this living hell?!!”
A decorator’s nightmare!“May 25. Tired of this cell. It feels so confining. Asked guard if I could decorate– maybe paint it a lighter color, add some fabric curtains, some throw pillows, object d’Arts, maybe a little fountain. He said it was against regulations. The uncouth commoner!”
“May 29. Bennie and Hank are planning an escape. Said they are going to build a tunnel from under their cell all the way to center field at Wrigley. They are idiots. Center field is way too exposed.”
“June 2. Bidet broken–AGAIN! If the water’s not too cold, it’s scalding. Now it’s busted all together. This place is hell with bad plumbing.”
“June 4. Got a manicure and pedicure today but my cuticles still look atrocious. Am starting to think the warden has it in for me.”
“June 8. Was an incident in the showers today. Manny ran out of conditioner and asked the guard for some. The guard said his hair looked fine– said it had good volume, a saucy bounce to it and appeared quite manageable. Manny’s been pouting ever since. He knows his hair is thin and requires body enhancement– he NEEDS conditioner. I swear these guards are sadists., to tell a man he has good hair when he himself knows he does not is absolutely criminal!”
“June 14. Asked guard if I could take a vacation– need a nice break and want to go to New York, catch some shows, try some new restaurants. Guard said he’d check with the warden. Got my fingers crossed…”
“June 15. Warden said NO to NYC trip! Unbelievable. Apparently it would kill them to let me take a little vacation. Can’t believe this joint. I swear, these people are so rigid it drives me nuts! I’m starting to think maybe I should join Bennie and Hank in their tunnel project…”
“June 18. Asked guard if I could get a pet for some companionship. What kind of pet, he asked. A pony, I said. He didn’t think it would be allowed. Now they apparently have a ‘no-pony-policy.’ Oh, the misery of this place…”
