Author: PD Scullin

On a recent podcast, Rep. Madison Cawthorn of North Carolina made wild claims that caused Iowa Sen. Chuck Grassley’s banana hammock to get in a knot.

The 26-year-old Cawthorn said he had been invited to “sexual get-togethers” and seen leading elder statesmen of the GOP doing “key bumps” of cocaine. The young babe in the woods politician was shocked and dismayed by this illicit behavior of his overlords.

“Screw that goodie-two-shoes,” Sen. Grassley tells The Lint Screen. “See if we ever invite Cawthorn back to one of our sexy time bashes. I swear I’ll never pass him the lube or offer him the opportunity to hoover a line of blow off of a $5,000-an-hour hooker’s cleavage. The little turd can sit in the corner and suck his thumb watching while I bust a nut.”

Grassley calls himself “a rocking’ sockin’ sex machine” and claims to have a “stable” of women he satisfies sexually.

“”All the ladies love them some Grass-man,” he crows. “They say no matter who their previous lovers were, the grass is always greener in the Grass-man’s bed. I’m a jackhammer!”

Cawthorn has apologized to the GOP leadership saying he “may have overstated his case a little bit for dramatic effect” but that isn’t cutting it with the big wigs.

“If that punk Cawthorn thinks he’s getting invited to our wild orgy and drug blasts,” says an angry, bare-chested Sen. Mitch McConnell gently stroking a sheep’s hindquarters, “he’s got another thing coming.”

Sen. Lindsay Graham walks into the room wearing ass-less leather chaps and a lime green feather boa. “When’s the fun start, fellas? I’ve been a naughty boy and need a good spanking. Smack me ruby red, boys! I deserve it!” 

Sen. Ted Cruz, buck naked except for an antelope’s head mask, says, “I got first dibs on the nasty boy. I’ll teach Lindsay a lesson but good.”

“You’ll have to wrestle me first, Ted,” says Sen. Ron Johnson wearing nothing but black support socks and a dusting of white powder on his nose and upper lip. “I got some oil, so let’s grease up and go, Teddie boy!”

Both men smile as they apply oil to one another.

Boys will be boys!

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air lost his cool in Hollywood last night as Will Smith slapped Chris Rock for making a joke about his wife, Jada Pinkett Smith, who has a smooth dome due to alopecia.

The violent incident sent shivers around the world. United States Secretary of State Anthony Blinken immediately flew to Los Angeles to negotiate peace.

“Secretary Blinken dropped all his efforts in Ukraine,” a spokesperson told The Lint Screen. “The mass of humanity is on edge because celebrities are fighting. This madness must stop. The Secretary is worried sick that this thing could escalate into an all-out war in Hollywood. The last thing anyone needs is a nasty Twitter battle.”

Ukranian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy sides with Chris Rock in this quarrel.

“Comedy must have an edge,” he said. “Chris was making a joke, and Will Smith showed he is thin-skinned and a hothead. He needs to lighten up.”

Russia’s President Vladimir Putin disagrees.

“Will Smith was the victim of aggressive humor,” Putin said. “The only way Smith can restore honor and dispense justice is to kill Chris Rock and all of his relatives, friends, and associates. Will must act viciously and decisively to save the sanctity of being a Hollywood A-lister.”

50,000 NATO forces are on their way to Brentwood in case World War III breaks out over this slapping incident.

Gary Busey is in his bunker ready for all hell to break loose.

“I’m putting lots of lotion on my hands,” the toothy actor said. “I want my mitts to be good and smooth for slapping.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Supreme Court nominee Ketanji Brown Jackson was grilled yesterday by South Carolina Sen. Lindsay Graham during her confirmation hearing. Here is a partial transcript of his interrogation.

LG: It says here that your name is Ketanji Brown Jackson. Is that correct?

KBJ: Yes.

LG: Kee-tawn-gee. That’s a funny name.

KBJ: My parents gave me the name Ketanji Onyika, which means “lovely one.” It’s an African name.

LG: African? Are you an African?

KBJ: No, Senator. I am an American. An African American.

LG: You’re black? I didn’t know that. I don’t see race.

KBJ: Yes, I am a black American, Senator.

LG: Wait just a doggone minute––you just told me you were African American. Wait–– are you related to Barack Obama? He was from Kenya, I believe.

KBJ: No, Senator, I’m not.

LG: You gave me two answers, so, which is it, are you a black American or an African American?

KBJ: I believe those terms are synonymous, Sen. Graham. They mean the same thing.

LG: I know what synonymous means. (HE SHUFFLES PAPERS IN FRONT OF HIM) I know lots of big words––heck, I know Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

KBJ: That’s impressive, Senator.

LG: You’re darn tootin’, it’s impressive. Now tell me, Ketanji, why did your parents give you such a funny name, and not a good American name like Karen or Carol?

KBJ: I believe they wanted a girl’s name that reflected our family’s African heritage.

LG: Ketanji is a girl’s name? You mean you’re a girl?

KBJ: Yes, Senator. I am a woman.

LG: I don’t see gender. Thank you for that background.

KBJ: I’m a black American woman.

LG: Tell me if you believe in God, and how strong is your faith? On a scale of one to ten, one being you worship Satan, and ten being you love God with all your heart and you’d French kiss Jesus. Where do you fall on that scale?

KBJ: Senator, I’d rather not answer that question since there’s no religious tests in the Constitution.

LG: So, I see––you believe in the Constitution, but you don’t believe in God, or love Jesus. So you obviously hate America.

KBJ: I never said that Sen. Graham.

LG: (SMILING) Oh. Very clever, Miss Funny Name, I can see you’re a wily one, aren’t you? Okay, we’ll let you go on that one.

(LINDSAY CONTINUED FOR THIRTY MORE MINUTES THROWING SIXTEEN HISSY FITS)

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Derek Crayton had read a lot about the Metaverse and its promise of an exciting virtual utopia, so he decided to experience it for himself. But instead of heaven, he discovered his definition of hell––being forced to sit through an endless PowerPoint Presentation.

“I thought the Metaverse was supposed to be one of the greatest features of technology,” Crayton told The Lint Screen. “I was pumped for the possibilities. I strapped on my VR headset, built my avatar–– I was a dragon with ballerina legs smoking a Sherlock Holmes pipe wearing a Detroit Tigers cap backward. I looked really cool, and I began strutting my stuff in the Metaverse. I was ready for adventure!”

What happened next is frightening, and if you are prone to panic attacks or hyperventilation, you should read no further.

“An avatar named Jerry suddenly appeared,” Crayton says. “He was wearing this cheap suit and a loud necktie. Jerry grabbed me and led me into a conference room. He sat me in a chair, and the next thing I knew, I was strapped to the chair with this device on my neck, forcing me to look straight ahead at this large screen. Then, my worst nightmare happened.”

Crayton begins sobbing as he recounts his horrific experience.

“Jerry started taking me through a PowerPoint presentation,” Crayton said, wiping tears from his face. “It was all about this timeshare opportunity he was selling. He said it was incredible–– I could stay at the best properties in the Metaverse for a fraction of the regular price. Jerry was a close-talker. He had terrible breath–– it smelled like garlic, sardines, and a dirty litter box. His voice droned on and on.”

The anguished man stops, his lips trembling, then Crayton continues.

“Just when I thought the presentation was over, Jerry had more slides,” Crayton says. “There were slides with lots of bullets, slides with one large word like ‘OPPORTUNITY’ and ‘VALUE’ and ‘AMAZING,’ and slides that had way too many words on them to read. But Jerry read every last damn word. He kept going. The Powerpoint was endless. I tried to escape, but I couldn’t. He started talking about MAGA Nation, and how Trump was cheated. The only way out was to sign a contract. After 31-grueling-hours, I finally broke. I gave Jerry my John Hancock on a timeshare contract.”

Crayton rubs his red eyes. “I couldn’t take it. I was weak. And now I’m losing money in a make-believe world. I feel like such a goddamn fool.”

Like Mark Twain famously said, “Virtual reality sucks.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.