Author: PD Scullin

As the January 6 Select Committee wades through seas of incriminating evidence, The Lint Screen is unearthing facts and exposing the truth! We have obtained a swatch of recordings from inside the White House living quarters of disgraced twice-impeached Ex-President Donald J. Trump while watching his coup attempt live on TV.

Here is our exclusive transcript.

DJT: Look at that! Every network’s showing how much my people love me! Go, guys, go! Beat the hell out of the goddamn cops. We’ve got to stop the steal and save America.

IVANKA: They love you, Daddy!

DJT: Everybody loves me, honey, babydoll, kitten. And I’ll tell you why Ivanka. It’s because I made America great again. I am the chosen one. It’s no wonder I had the biggest inauguration crowd ever.

ERIC: (SFX: DOOR OPENS) Hey, Pop, can I watch Sesame Street?

DJT: No. Not today, Eric. I’m watching all the angry people demanding that your father stays president.

ERIC: Are you really the president, Pop? I didn’t know that.

DJT: We’re in the White House, numbnuts. That’s where the president lives. Isn’t Big Bird teaching you anything, Eric?

DON JR: (SFX: DOOR OPENS) Hey, Dad, did you see all the violent rioters on TV? Oh, you got it on already. Isn’t it great? The pissed-off mob likes you a lot!

DJT: People love me, Don Jr. Hell, I’m the most popular president in history. Everyone says so. And every American wants me to be their leader for life. (PHONE RINGS) Who the hell’s call me during my show? Hey, Jimmie Jordan, are you watching this Capitol invasion on TV? Why not? What do you mean you’re hiding under your desk? Show some balls, Jordan, and find Pence. Get that coward to the gallows. My people got the noose ready. They’re waiting for him. Do it, now! Bye. (PHONE RINGS) Dammit, there’s another call…

IVANKA: You’re very popular, Daddy! Everyone loves you.

ERIC: Yeah, Pop! And I love you, too!

DJT: Shut up, Eric. Daddy’s talking on the phone. Christ, Cruz, what do you want? Where the hell are you? What? Why are you hiding in a supply closet? You’re supposed to be leading the Proud Boys to Pelosi’s office like we planned. Where’s Kevin McCarthy? Has that ass-kisser trapped Pence yet? You guys got to find Pence and hang him. I’m hanging up.

DON JR: Look, Dad! All the pretty flags with your name on them!!! They’re stabbing cops with your flags!

IVANKA: I have a sexy teddy with your name on it, Daddy!

DJT: I know you do, sweetie. And Daddy loves seeing you wear it. (PHONE RINGS) What?! Mike, is that you? Where the hell are you? Everyone’s looking for you. Why are you hiding? You’re the Vice President. Have you overturned the election like I told you to? Why not? You know Biden cheated. Uh-huh. So what if he had seven million more votes than me. They were all fake! What? Don’t give me any bullshit about the Constitution and carrying out the rule of law. The people want me. Come out of hiding, Mike. That’s a direct order! Hold on, Pence, I got Hannity on the other line…

ERIC: Mr. Hannity has nice hair. I’d like to touch it. Looks soft.

DJT: Sean, are you seeing this? Our plan’s working. The coup is successful! What?! Why the hell would I call them off? The rioters are doing a great job. What do you mean people are blaming my supporters for the invasion? Tell them it’s Black Lives Matter doing all the damage.

ERIC: I met a black man once. He scared me.

DJT: So what if there’s no blacks in the crowd of rioters–– say they’re all in whiteface! Right. It’s reverse racism. Get Tucker Carlson on that angle. And what the hell, you may as well toss Antifa in there with them. Yeah, Black Lives Matter and Antifa are behind everything. All the violence, cop beatings. (PHONE RINGS) Hold on, Hannity, I’ve got McCarthy calling…

DON JR: Paul McCarthy’s my favorite Beatle. He’s the cute one.

DJT: Kevin, have you got Pence? Why not? What the hell are all you RINOs doing? You mean to tell me you can’t find one lousy guy and hang him?! We had a plan, Kevin. Can’t you idiots do anything?

IVANKA: Daddy’s pretty upset. Maybe I should slip into my teddy.

ERIC: Hey, Ivanka, Don Jr., look at the new yo-yo trick I learned yesterday.

DJT: Jesus Christ, McCarthy, don’t give me excuses! Do I have to do everything around here? (SOUND OF THE PHONE SMASHING AGAINST THE WALL.)

THE TAPE STOPS.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

As the country braces for the first anniversary of the January 6th attempted coup to overturn a free and fair election, the pack of riled-up fools who participated are making plans to reunite and celebrate.

“We weren’t successful last time,” Dirk Pretmoore of Lubbock, Texas tells The Lint Screen. “But this time, we’re going to do more than just beat the hell out of cops, use American flags as weapons, and shit all over The People’s House.”

Pretmoore sent invitations to all the people involved in last year’s insurrection. “President Trump promises he’s going to be walking with us to the Capitol this time. And everyone knows he’s a man of his word. The president said he would march with us to the Capitol last time, but the Secret Service wouldn’t let him. I’m telling you, the goddamn deep state is everywhere!”

There will also be a special guest of honor this year: former Vice President and weasel Mike Pence.

“We really wanted Mike to join us at our last get together,” Pretmoore says. “This time, we’re going to welcome him with open arms because we’d love to have him hang with us. We’ve heard he’s a good hang, and we aim to find out. We’ll also see if he’s a swinger. I’ll bet his wife Karen knows. We’ll see for ourselves.”

There are also going to be many notable guest attendees.

“We’re going to have Joltin’ Josh Hawley and Creepy Ted Cruz,” says a smiling Pretmoore. “But that’s just the start. We’ll also have Kooky Kevin McCarthy and Racist Ronnie Johnson. We’ve even got Jimbo Jordan with molester Matt Gaetz. Along with Devin the Devil Nunes and Markie Mark Meadows.”

The Texan catches his breath and tries not to hyperventilate with excitement. He continues.

“We’ll also have Little Stevie Scalise, playing with Louie Louie Gosar and featuring Lindsay The Bootlick Graham. And because we’re not sexist, we’ll have both Republican sex kittens, Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren Boebert. I’m telling you what, the party of Lincoln will rise again like Phoenix, Arizona. It’s going to be something!”

This first anniversary of insurrectionists will be a celebration for disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump that will be one for the ages. And maybe this time, Trump will win!

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

In a 50-50 Senate, the stakes are high for dominance. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell is drooling at the prospect of luring Democratic Senator Joe Manchin to Team GOP so he can rule the roost once again.

Manchin has torpedoed Biden’s Build Back Better plan, and McConnell smells blood in the water.

“I’ve reached out to Joe,” McConnell tells The Lint Screen, “and I think I may be able to get him to switch allegiances.”

McConnell has been hard at work putting together what he considers to be “an offer Joe Manchin can’t refuse.” The Kentucky man with the pelican chin smiles as he describes his offer.

“Right off the bat, Joe will get a $20 million signing bonus from Koch Industries,” Mitch begins. “But that’s just an appetizer. We’ve got an autographed copy of Donald Trump’s THE ART OF THE DEAL, and a framed photo of Trump’s inaugural crowd, the largest in history. The big guy will also share his private cell phone number, so Joe has a hotline to the big boss whenever he wants. Access is power. Especially from The Chosen One.”

The creepy old coot rubs his palms together.

“And since Manchin is a red-blooded West Virginian, we’ve got something to bring that blood to a boil.” McConnell grins. “If Joe comes over to our side, Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren Boebert will give him lap dances. The gals will dance with or without firearms––dealer’s choice! Joe can also enjoy a full-body oil massage from the healing hands of Ted Cruz and a galloping pony ride on the shoulders of Josh Hawley all over the Senate chambers. Rep. Jimbo Jordan will give Manchin one of his suit jackets, like new! But that’s not all. He’ll receive personal science tutoring from Mister Science himself, Ron Johnson. Manchin will also get to go to a kegler with Brett Kavanaugh–– and BK will perform his famous keg stand. It’s a classic move!”

McConnell begins chuckling.

“I honestly don’t see how Manchin can refuse this deal,” the crafty one says. “And I think Joe will make a move to the dark side and give me back the Senate. Then, we can get back to work and finish the job of destroying democracy and America.”

McConnell snaps the neck of an adorable puppy and smiles. “I feel good,” he chirps.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

When Mark Meadows shared over 9,000 pages of documents to the House select committee probing the Capitol assault, he had no idea what a treasure trove of trouble he’d unleashed.

Many of the texts have already been grist for the media mill, but The Lint Screen dug deeper. Our investigative team slipped a $10 bill to a Congressional aide and received these texts sent to Mark Meadows on January 6. Meadows was with disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump as his rabid mob attempted a coup to overturn a free and fair election.

Here are the exclusive texts from The Lint Screen.
ERIC T: Hey, Mark, there’s a bunch of people at the Capitol, and it looks like they support pop! Turn on the TV!!!

JOSH H: Did he like my fist in the air thing? Did he see it? Mark, please let him know I will do whatever it takes to serve him. Does the Bossman like ribs? I can send some great KC ribs, he’ll love them! Let me know.

SEAN H: Tell the BIG GUY to give me a call. I need to know what my angle is on this.

LINDSAY G: Mark, once we overthrow democracy, do you think the boss could give me a little one-on-one time? I want to get to know him better as a man! I’ve got a thing for strong, powerful men, and I honestly think we’d make a helluva couple.

JIM J: Mark, some guy just took a dump on the floor outside my office and smeared it on the wall. WTF! I thought these bastards were on OUR TEAM?

MELANIA: Mark, please give him the glass of Diet Coke I prepared. The one with arsenic. If you do this for me, I will be yours forever.

TUCKER C: Has the Prez mentioned my name? Does he still like me? Ask him if he thinks I should go back to the bow tie. Whatever he wants, I’m on board!

ROGER S: Let him know I’ve got a posse of Proud Boys. Tell me who needs some roughin’ up and ass kickin’? Let me know, I’m here for him and can’t wait to destroy democracy. Whatever it takes, I’m you’re man!

KEVIN M: Mark, please ask him if I’m putting too much pressure with my lips on his ass. I don’t want to bruise him. I only want to please.

DON JR: Mark–– would you ask Dad if I can get his endorsement for a run in 2024? I mean, if he’s still going to allow elections.

RUSH L: I’m watching the coup here in hell, and absolutely LOVING IT. Great work, Mark. Let Donald know I’m proud of him! Uh-oh, here come Satan again with that goddamn hot poker.

MIKE L: Ask His Highness if I can cover over for a pillow fight––I’ll let him win. HA HA HA! Just kidding. Seriously, Mark, does he even like me??? I love that big lug!

LAURA I: Tell him to stop this, Mark… or at least get some heavy reinforcements. We can’t lose this battle. It’s time to shit or get off the pot! (Don’t tell him I said that).

DEVIN N: Please tell Glorious Master I would love to head up his new media company. To get the job, I’ll give him what little is left of my soul.

IVANKA: Mark, tell Dad watching this insurrection is really turning me on. He’s so powerful–– what a stud! If he asks, let him know I can ditch Jared. Text me.

PAUL G: Hey, do you me want to rat out where Nancy and AOC are? Lemme know, Mark. Happy to help. Anything for The Chosen One!!!

RON J: This is fantastic! Tell the big guy I will do whatever it takes to prove my loyalty. BTW, does he know who I am?

RUDY G: Mark, ask him if I can come over and crash. This is better than the Super Bowl. I’ll bring some chips and dip.

MARJORIE TG: This thing is going like clockwork, but these cops are fighting us. Would you ask him to fire them IMMEDIATELY?

TED C: Tell El Jefe I said I always thought democracy was very overrated. I’m getting hard watching this on TV.

ERIC T: Hey, Mark–– would you do me a solid? PLEASE?!!! Ask Pops if he could bump my allowance $20 a week. I want to start saving for a new Schwinn.

BRIAN K: ASK PAPA BEAR IF HE’LL BE OUR SPECIAL EXCLUSIVE GUEST TOMORROW ON FOX AND FRIENDS. HE CAN ISSUE DICTATES, READ HIS ENEMIES LIST, HOLD EXECUTIONS––WHATEVER! WE’D LOVE TO HAVE HIM!!! HE’S ALWAYS RATINGS GOLD.

BILL B: Hey, Mark, tell him I’d like my old job back once he’s the ruler. He can trust me this time! I’m serious!!!

VLAD P: Comrade Meadows, tell him I said, “Excellent job. I am most proud.”

SEAN H: Hey, Mark–– what about using an Antifa angle? They’re behind this. Oh, and Black Lives Matter too!!! And the liberals!!! I’ll start working on it.

MELANIA: Is he still living? If so, why? Don’t you love me, Mark?

STEVE S: MARK—SEND IN THE NATIONAL GUARD, WE’VE GOT TO STOP THESE DAMN CAPITOL COPS. THEY’RE RUINING EVERYTHING!!!

MIKE P: Hey, Mark, buddy––do you think he’s still mad at me? Tell him I’m sorry and will make it up to him.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

No one would ever accuse California Rep. Devin Nunes of having integrity or honor. So naturally, disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump has picked the notorious weasel to head up his new social media network.

“I couldn’t be happier,” weaselly Nunes told The Lint Screen. “I can’t wait to help Donald Trump create a firestorm of dangerous misinformation and disinformation. We’re going to be working with China and Russia to take down America.” The slime ball smiles. “I’ve done everything I can in Congress to destroy democracy, and now I can do it from the big stage.”

Trump, who has claimed he won the 2020 presidential election in a landslide, has been bellyaching and bitching ever since getting smoked by Joe Biden.

“The boss says he won, so he won,” Nunes says. “And it’s my job to help him create a social media network where he can air white grievances and victimhood and scare the hell out of people with lies. Our objective is simple. We want to destroy democracy and get voting rights out of the hands of all ‘the others.’ We must do whatever it takes to place our Chosen One into his throne for life.”

Once Trump has his propaganda megaphone, Nunes believes he can create the anger and hatred necessary for a MAGA revolution.

“Our people have the guns,” Nunes says, repeating his master. “And what happened on January 6 was nothing compared to what we have planned. We will feed our followers whatever bullshit we have to so they’ll revolt and put the boss in charge of everything. We need a dictator like Trump. There is too much freedom in America, and that’s a big problem. Donald Trump is our god, and we shall worship him.”

Financial regulators are looking into the filing to place Trump Media & Technology Group on the stock exchange.

“Those government idiots won’t find anything,” Nunes says. “This social media grift is bulletproof.” The slug of a human smiles. “The only thing saving democracy from the coming Trump takeover is a thin blue line–– and that’s the Democrats. So I like our odds.” 

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.