Author: PD Scullin

President Donald Trump is known for his emotional intelligence and even temper, but tiny Tony Fauci has become a painful burr in his saddle.

“That runt is a joke,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “He’s a traitor. Mr. Medical Science is always talking his doomsday crap and scaring people. I’ve had enough. We’re turning the corner, COVID’s going to disappear. And the moment I win re-election, and I’m winning–– 99.9% of the votes for Trump–– I’m going to fire Fauci’s ass and replace him with Putin.”

Trump’s fat face is beet-red. Jared Kushner brings the big man a brown paper bag imprinted with a large TRUMP logo. The prez hyperventilates into the sack for a minute, then continues.

“I had been getting excellent medical advice from Mike Lindell, the Mr. Pillow Guy,” Trump says. “Then I heard about Russia’s amazing COVID-19 vaccine.” The president smiles and props his feet on the Resolute desk. “I’ve established a tremendous relationship with Putin. Great guy. Smart. Very strong. So I called him and asked if he’d like to be in charge of my Operation Warp Speed. We’ll give Russia the $10 billion budgeted for Warp Speed and use their vaccine. Putin says the vaccine’s incredible. Works instantly.”

The president crosses his arms and winks. “I drove a very hard bargain with Putin,” Trump says. “I’m the world’s best negotiator. I gave him the names of our secret agents working overseas and our nuclear codes and the locations of our nuclear arsenal. Putin wanted an additional $100 billion. I kept a poker face and got him down to $99.5 billion. He finally folded and agreed to take the job. I’m the best negotiator ever!”

Trump sees no problem with the president of a communist country handling medical care for the world’s largest democracy.

“Look, that’s will all be changing,” Trump said. “America’s been a democracy for too damn long. What–– a couple hundred years or something? In my second term, I’m doing away with democracy. We’ll save so much money getting rid of elections and these stupid bureaucrats. I’ll find the very best people and give them the power. I’m going to simplify government. Make it much leaner. I’m going to make American lives much better.”

Trump flashes his famous smile. “People are going to be amazed with my second term. They’re not going to believe how great I’m going to make America.”

Ivanka Trump enters the Oval Office in a lacy teddy, leaps on top of the desk, and begins go-go dancing.

“Daddy for emperor!” she shouts as she sheds her clothes. Jared starts huffing and puffing into a Trump brown paper bag.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

There was a President Trump rally last night at Omaha’s Eppley Airfield, and his MAGA maniacs came to show their support and hear his tales of victimhood.

After the president spewed his endless stream of lies and grievances, he hopped on the toasty warm Air Force One and flew the coop. The masses were left in the freezing cold waiting for transportation back to their cars parked in remote lots.

“I thought since I got a bus ride out to the rally, I’d have a bus ride back,” Aggie Thomplim, an unemployed factory worker age 48, said. “But there weren’t many buses going back. I got some frostbite. Lost a couple toes and a finger–– it was just a pinkie, though, but I’m so happy I came. That Donald Trump is a big TV star! He’s so handsome!”

Bobbie Kinsley, a 74-year-old retired appliance repairman with a bum hip, said, “Boy howdy, it was bitter cold. I got tired of waiting for a bus, so I walked back to my car on the dark road with a bunch of other people. The weak ones fell by the wayside. Took me three hours of hoofing in the stinging cold to get to my car, but it made me stronger. Thanks, President Trump, for making America great again.”

Helen Gurdy, age 34, and her two children, Brett, age six, Jackie, age four, were also in attendance.

“Sure, the one-way transportation was a bit of an inconvenience,” she said, “but sometimes things just don’t work out like you want them to. Look at COVID. George Soros, Bill Gates, and Anthony Fauci created that disease and gave it to China to make Trump look bad. But Trump cares about people, and tonight he said we’re turning the corner. So I guess he had the last laugh.”

The mother’s eyes get teary as she continues.

“Last week, my mother died from COVID. She was all alone in the hospital. It was awfully sad. I’ll never forgive those liberals for killing her. Thank God we got Trump protecting us.”

She wipes a tear and shakes a fist.

“And don’t go telling me I have to wear a mask!” she says. “I got my freedom. And I’ll cough wherever the hell I want.”

Helen’s son, Brett, begins a hacking cough, and Jackie complains she feels hot. The mother gets agitated.

“For Chrissake, kids, don’t be wimps,” she snaps. “We were only in the freezing cold for a few hours. You got to see a great man! That’s a small price to pay.”

This morning, both her children were rushed to the hospital with pneumonia.

“Thank goodness we got Obamacare,” Helen said. “But, I can’t wait to see how good Trumpcare‘s going to be.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

When Rudy Giuliani isn’t touching himself in front of young women, he is America’s watchdog–– scouring the planet looking for evildoers and busting them.

In December 2019, ‘America’s Mayor’ trekked all the way to Ukraine on a very important case.

“I heard all these amazing stories about the evil shenanigans perpetrated by Hunter Biden,” Rudy tells The Lint Screen, as his right hand begins creeping toward his crotch. “I decided I’d better find out what the hell is happening–– there might be something illegal going on with Joe Biden’s crooked son.”

Giuliani restrains his right hand with his left and continues.

“When I got back to the states, I kept up my sleuthing.” The mad-eyed kook flashes his alabaster beaver-size chompers. “One day, I got a call from a computer repair guy in Delaware. He said he had repaired a laptop for Hunter Biden and discovered a file marked “TOP SECRET: KEEP OUT–– THIS MEANS YOU!!!” Can you imagine! You can’t make this stuff up. Anyway, this repair guy’s a real patriot, so he wanted me to have a copy of Hunter’s hard drive that he made.”

Rudy once again realizes his hand has snuck into his pants and wrestles with himself removing it.

“Now, here’s where the story gets pretty wild,” Rudy says, leaning in. “I start reading some emails that Hunter wrote when he was on the board of Burisma Holdings, a Ukrainian energy company. Just listen to some of these nasty things he and his dad have done.”

The petite fireball reaches into a file folder, producing some papers marked “TOP SECRET” in large red letters, and reads.

“‘Dear Mr. Crime Boss of a criminal enterprise in Ukraine–– I need lots of bribe money to kickback to my criminal dad. He is a socialist madman trying to organize a coup against America’s greatest president, Donald J. Trump, whose children Don Jr., Eric, and Ivanka are very honest, just like he is. Integrity runs in the Trump family. My bad seed of a dad, Joe Biden, is running for president against Trump and demands illegal dirty money to run his underworld organization… so pony up the cashola, or else there will be trouble!!!’”

Giuliani leans back and wipes his brow. “Pretty suspicious, right?” Looking down, the crime fighter notices he has removed his pants and is fondling himself. He stops, gets dressed, and continues.

“Here’s another one, Hunter wrote. This one to China’s President Xi. ‘Dear Almighty Leader Who Owns My Father–– Dad asked me to write to you and request you release the deadly pandemic you have been developing with Dr. Anthony Fauci. The old man wants you to release the virus to make Donald Trump look bad. My father, Joe Biden, says he doesn’t care how many innocent Americans get sick or die. He wants to be president so he can ruin democracy and wipe his butt with Old Glory and The Constitution! By the way, President Xi, this letter and the many others on my laptop hard drive are NOT Russian disinformation. They’re real! Believe me!!!”

Rudy sees that he once again has grabbed himself. He stops, dresses, and shoves the papers into the folder.

“I can’t read any more of these, but I think you get the drift. Joe Biden and his son Hunter are really bad hombres, and President Trump and his children are honest and love America. Trump wants to make America great again, and he will if the dastardly Democrats don’t rig the election.”

As Rudy runs out the door screaming like a banshee, one wonders what crimes he will solve next.

Thanks, America’s crime buster!

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Dr. Anthony Fauci appears to be a mild-mannered world-renowned immunologist, but don’t be fooled.

Beneath that petite exterior is a raging maniac with a lightning-quick temper and a bottomless reservoir of rage. The good doctor spoke with The Lint Screen about his feeling for President Trump.

“The guy is a grade-A horse’s ass,” Fauci said, as he bench pressed 420-pounds. “I’d say Trump’s a moron, but that’s an insult to morons. I’ve never met a man so brain-dead. His empty head is where information goes to die. He has a cheat sheet to remember his name. Trump’s an embarrassment to this country. Hell, to humanity.”

Fauci has been warning the public for months about the importance of wearing masks and social distancing in preventing COVID-19.

“What could be simpler?” the medic asks rhetorically as he deadlifts a 500-pound barbell. “But Trump goes around the country and crams his fans together, most of them mask-less. It’s like a death cult. Why’s Trump do it? Because the narcissistic egomaniac needs endless praise. Can you imagine the mental abuse his father must have done to damage that poor bastard’s psyche so badly? He’s pathetic.”

For his part, Trump is tired of “science” and “idiots” like Fauci.

“People are sick and tired of COVID,” the prez sez to his adoring masses crammed against one another. “I got COVID. I never felt better. I think the virus is great. Makes you stronger. Everyone needs to get COVID. And they will, thanks to me. Sure, old, weak people will die, but who needs them? All they do is take Medicare. They’re on their way to dirt naps anyway. Good riddance.”

Fauci grunts as he works the heavy bag with his bare fists. The bookworm breaks the canvas cover, and sand streams out. Fauci picks up a jump rope and skips 1,000 revolutions-per-minute.

“I’ve had enough of Trump,” the little powerhouse says. “I’m fed up with that two-bit con man grifter. All he does is lie, and people are going to die. For the good of the country, I’m ready to rip that orange clown’s face off. I’ll stomp on his fake wig and shove it up his ass.”

Bernie Schmidt, Fauci’s fight manager, aims his rifle and fires, tagging the doctor with an animal tranquilizer. Fauci slows down his rope skipping and collapses to the floor.

“The boss gets pretty worked up,” Schmidt says. “I gotta get him cooled down. If I were Trump, I’d watch my back. T always gets his revenge.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Judge Amy Coney Barrett is an artful dodger.

During her Supreme Court nomination hearings, the legal beagle would not be pinned down by Democrat Senators who wanted to know her judicial views on Obamacare, Roe v Wade, or the upcoming election and the powers of the president to influence its outcome in his favor.

“I can’t answer that,” was her constant refrain to inquisitions on those subjects. “Not until I look at the cases presented.”

She also would not be cornered on her views of many freedoms guaranteed by The Bill of Rights, like the freedom of speech, a free press, the right to assemble, and unreasonable search and seizure.

“It’s difficult to say,” she said. “I am an originalist. I would have to look closely at the cases presented, discuss them with my colleagues, and weigh the arguments. But since the Bill of Rights was not part of the original Constitution, it was drafted years later, I’m unsure. If we examine all the fake news lambasting our glorious leader, which is very unfair, and the outrageous protests against law and order, well, one could argue some of these so-called rights deserve further scrutiny.”

The Republican Senators began a wave that went through the hearing room as many shouted “whoo-whoo,” did fist bumps, tore off their masks, and pantomimed wiping their butts. Sen. Lindsey Graham did a moonwalk, then brought down his gavel to restore order. The good judge continued.

“I do know that God Almighty guided the hands of our founding fathers in drafting the original Constitution,” she said. “Although The Bill of Rights was not part of the original Constitution, I do believe in the right to bear arms. I think we can all agree that the Good Lord wants us to be locked and loaded as a safeguard against Satan in his many guises. But many of the other alleged rights may be subject to further examination. Hard to say. But we must always remember the sacred wisdom of our founding fathers. They were men. Men always know best. And these wise men knew what would be best for us then, and well into the twenty-first century and beyond.”

She did have reassuring words on her complete impartiality.

“I will make the decisions God tells me to make,” she declared.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Millions of Americans sent their thoughts and prayers for President Trump when he tweeted last week that he and his va va va voom First Lady had come down with COVID-19.

But you can’t keep a good grifter down!

Trump was attended to by a team of medical experts at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men put him back together again with supplemental oxygen, an experimental antibody cocktail, heavy doses of redeliver, the steroid dexamethasone, and monoclonal antibodies made by Regeneron.

After a few days in a hospital bed, and a joy ride in an airtight SUV with vulnerable Secret Service Agents, the big fella flew the coop back to his White House and did a Mussolini on the balcony, ripping off his mask for his adoring science-denying fans!

Now, the prez sez he’s “completely cured.”

“I’ve never felt better,” Trump said, as a servant delivered a Diet Coke. The president coughed on him, the servant left the Oval Office and collapsed on the floor. “Getting COVID-19 was a blessing from God. I’m like that guy in the Bible who died and came back to life. What was his name? Lawrence, Taurus, something like that. It doesn’t matter, you know what I’m talking about. I love the Bible. It’s a good book. A very good book.”

Trump said he’s never had more energy.

“I feel like I could rule the world,” he said as a Secret Service Agent fell to his knees and was carried away. The president continued. “I feel like if I didn’t like some leader, I could blow their shithole country off the face of the Earth. I have that kind of power.”

The president believes all Americans should share his enthusiasm and upbeat attitude.

“I want all Americans to get COVID,” he said. “You don’t have to fear it, people. Getting COVID-19 is good for you. Just get choppered to Walter Reed, have all the docs do their thing, take the happy drugs, and you’ll never feel better. It’s incredible. A tremendous feeling.”

Across the Oval Office, a cleaning attendant collapses. Chief of Staff Mark Meadows orders servants to throw the body into the bushes.

The president takes a sip of Diet Coke and says, “I’ve got this pandemic under control. Don’t let it dominate your life. It’s a gift from God. Trump 2020! Whoo-hoo!“

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.