Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

Hollywood Hubbub

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Pacific Coast Highway, somewhere in Malibu. I woke up, hydraulic pistons inside my head doing a number on my skull– like Keith Moon on an angry expresso bender. My eyes were crusted. Two vultures in a tree looked down on me hungrily. Seeing me move, they slowly flap their wings and take flight, disgusted.

It’s a couple days after the Academy Awards after-parties, and this intrepid reporter will do his best to hunt and peck out the stories I have seen. The ones I remember, at least.

Red Carpet Scoopage

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Hollywood was stunned, shocked and bedazzled with the many surprises that strolled along the red carpet prior to the 2009 Academy Awards Ceremonies.

Penelope Cruz couldn’t afford a new dress so she wore some old number that had the faint scent of mothballs and pipe tobacco. She won an Oscar for her acting in Vicky Cristina Barcelona and to goose her future salary so she can afford a new garment some day soon.

13 Things You Didn’t Know About Lincoln

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Were it not for Abraham Lincoln, our sweet 16 president, these United States would not be quite so united. The other day was Lincoln’s 200th birthday, and were he alive today, he would be the oldest man ever–– paying some of the highest health insurance premiums ever.

Bankers Outraged Over Low Pay

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Financial services executives are livid over legislation that would impose pay limits of a mere $500,000 annually for companies accepting federal bailout money.

Fed $500,000 Proposal Would Tighten The Alligator Belt…
Fed $500,000 Proposal Would Tighten The Alligator Belt…

“This idea is an absolute outrage,” fumed Thurston Winslowe III, a New York banking executive. “Not to overstate the case, but this is definitely the most egregious, cruel and inhumane assault ever against any sector of humanity…”

Denny’s Hits Grand Slam Traffic Builder

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During the Super Bowl, a rather important football game played on Sunday, the restaurant chain Denny’s aired a commercial inviting people to enjoy a free Grand Slam breakfast on Tuesday. And yesterday, Denny’s made good on its promise attracting over two million people to its 1,500 locations to shovel the 770 calorie Grand Slam breakfast into their pancake holes.

Super Bowl Prediction

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Being somewhat of a sports nut, I have been pouring over the detailed reports, mountains of stats, player horoscopes, Nostradamos Prophecies, Vegas insider lines, wise guy tips and assorted rumors surrounding the upcoming Super Bowl XLIII Game, and I am officially ready to put my extensive knowledge on the line for all the world to see.