Humor

“All I hear is Epstein, Epstein, Epstein,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “That’s all anyone wants to talk about. But I don’t get it. Brian Epstein died back in the 60s, and The Beatles continued being successful. So why’s everyone got their panties in a knot?”

Amazon billionaire Jeff Bezos purchased Venice, Italy, for the weekend, and staged his grand wedding to Lauren Sanchez on Friday. The bride immediately began making demands of her new husband. “He needs to up his game significantly,” the new Mrs. Bezos tells The Lint Screen. “I’ve spent a fortune on these lips, my cheekbones, breasts, … Read more

I want my face on the flag. It’s too busy–– all those stars and stripes–– that’s not classy. We need a gold flag with my face on it and the word TRUMP! That will tell the world America is great again. I’ll tell Stephen Miller to make it happen. I’ll give him a rat treat. He loves those. The guy will do anything for a disgusting rat.

“The Bill has some things in it I don’t like,” Greene tells The Lint Screen. “They tell me A-1 companies cannot be regulated for ten years. I don’t think that’s right. What if A-1 Steak Sauce has poison in it? They should be accountable.”

“It was a horrible plot to destroy our country,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “The robot worked to steal the 2020 election from me. Everyone knows I won in a tremendous landslide. No one’s ever seen such a victory, but the Biden robot changed all the numbers. Once the robot won, old Joe was put down, and they pulled the switcheroo. Americans were cheated by technology. No wonder so many patriots stormed the Capitol. They were the victims. They were heroes!”

“If you’ve got a conviction, or someone you know is locked up, a million bucks buys you an instant presidential pardon,” Trump says. “If you were a vocal Trump supporter in the past, I’ll even give you a 0.25% discount. And if you’re frequently getting busted, Trump offers a Frequent Pardoners Club– you’ll earn one free pardon after purchasing your first ten.”