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Tired of being fat-shamed, Santa gets on Ozempic
The legend of Saint Nicholas goes back to the third century, and he eventually became the plump Santa Claus featured in Coca-Cola advertising in 1930. “You drink Cokes all day and night,” Santa tells The Lint Screen. “Is it any wonder I packed on a few pounds? But people seemed to like the look. They…
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Giuliani Takes Drastic Measures To Raise His $148 Million Settlement
The man once known as America’s Mayor is now branded America’s Lying Deadbeat Loser. Rudy Giuliani’s lies have finally caught up to him. After losing a defamation suit and being charged fines of $148 million, the trash talker has declared bankruptcy. “It’s crazy how the stupid law works,” Giuliani tells The Lint Screen. “Why can’t…
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“Hunter Biden is the most dangerous man in the world,” gasps GOP stooges
The House Republicans are clutching their pearls as they continue pursuing Hunter Biden and “The Biden Crime Family” for “destroying everything holy and sacred in God’s green universe.” Today the Keystone Kops had a hissyfit when Hunter Biden appeared before the Capitol Building and said he’d be happy to testify on camera. “We can’t have…
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“God commanded me to protect January 6 patriots,” says Johnson
Newly elected Trump puppet Speaker of the House Mike Johnson wants to wipe out the memory of the attempted coup and insurrection on January 6, 2020. “I am releasing lots more video from the peaceful protest on January 6,” Johnson said. “And to protect the innocent, we will be blurring the faces of peaceful demonstrators…
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“I fed President Trump like a mama bird,” McCarthy says
Three weeks after disgraced twice-impeached, four times indicted and facing 91 felony counts, ex-President Donald J. Trump’s failed coup attempt on January 6, 2020, Speaker of The House Kevin McCarthy donned a halo and flew to Mar-a-Lago. “I heard the President was depressed,” McCarthy tells The Lint Screen. “And I was worried sick because he’s…
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Roberts: “I’ll be clamping down on gifts to Justices over $10 million”
Ethics are finally coming to Washington, D.C.! In a bold measure, Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts has announced “incredibly strong new ethics standards” for all Justices on his bench. “I’m sick of reading the slanders against my Justices,” Roberts tells The Lint Screen. “The nine of us make up the highest court in the…