The Lint Screen

Tag: Affordable Care Act

  • Brother-in-Law’s Opinion Changed, World Stunned

    He changed his mind
    Randy Snogslougher changed his opinion before he snapped

    For the first time in recorded history, a person’s opinion was changed at a Thanksgiving dinner.

    On Thursday, November 28, at 1:42 p.m., Tom Wheddlekupp engaged in a spirited debate with his brother-in-law, Randy Snogslougher on the Affordable Care Act during his family’s annual Thanksgiving dinner celebration. The men had almost come to blows in previous years as they debated politics and religion over bites of turkey, mashed taters and cranberries, but amazingly, Snogslougher yielded to his brother-in-law and agreed that “people shouldn’t have to die because they don’t have affordable health insurance.” The table of 14 adults and the adjacent kid’s table of six was aghast at the shifted point of view.

    “Most times, those two face off and don’t give an inch on nothing,” said Sarah Wheelekupp, the hostess of the dinner.

    Unfortunately, at 1:56 p.m., Mr. Snogslougher brutally killed his brother-in-law with an electric knife. “I couldn’t take that guy’s pinko crap any longer,” he said as he was led from the family home in handcuffs. “I hope they have better turkey in prison. Ours was a little dry this year.”

  • Obamacare Website Problems Being Addressed

    The Obamacare server is having some technical difficulties.
    The Obamacare server is having some technical difficulties.

    Now that the budget battle and political bickering is over, Americans interested in enrolling in the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) have been frustrated by little technical glitches, like the website not working. The Obama administration has jumped on fixing the system.

    “It’s kind of embarrassing,” said an anonymous White House insider. “We’ve been telling people that government can do great things like make healthcare affordable for all Americans, but then the government can’t build a website. Meanwhile, Amazon knows if you’re even thinking about buying something and gives you fourteen suggestions.”

    So far, investigators are flummoxed as to what is causing the technical difficulties. “We’ve been consulting with the technical expert heading up website operations, a tech wiz named T. Ed Cruz, but so far he’s been unable to find the problem. He said it could be a simple fix like a Microsoft upgrade. He’s looking into buying one on Amazon.”

  • Tea Party Terrorists Strike

    The tea party is having a party.
    The tea party is having a party.

    Irate tea party members in Congress have shut down the government because they can’t get their way.

    “We’re steaming mad about this Affordable Care Act,” said one upset congressman. “We don’t care if it is the law passed by the democratic system of government, it’s not what we want and we must save the American people from democracy.”

    Another congressman said, “The problem is we’re spending money on the American people when we should be spending money on bombs and arming our military to invade foreign nations to plant the seeds of democracy, which are patented by Monsanto, so that foreigners can enjoy the sweet, sweet fruits of freedom and liberty. Look, if we waste money here at home, it screws everything up. If we have to wreck the U.S. economy to get our way, we’ll do it. We have to prove a point.”

    Meanwhile, a cluster of congressman huddled together and fist-bumped one another. “The enemy is the American government, and we came here to prove it. We won, we won!”

    Excited lobbyists made it rain $100 bills and resumed writing their laws in case the government ever get back to work again.