Jerry Ossenwold, campaign manager for Mr. Tuggles, issued a prepared statement at the press conference held this afternoon in Walpole, New Hampshire, where the Tuggles campaign was promising residents “people who don’t live free should die a thousand pain-filled deaths” and those that vote for Mr. Tuggles in the primary “will receive gold Rolex watches, house boats and Florida time shares” for their support.
In his statement, a tearful Ossenwold said, “Mr. Tuggles has decided to withdraw his bid for the highest office in the land due to personal, prayerful considerations. This decision in no way reflects the recent outrageous wild allegations of sexual improprieties made by a cat of loose morals. Mr. Tuggles is pure as the driven snow that has never been violated by a footstep,” said Ossenweld sobbing. “He was a contender, Mr. Tuggles was. He coulda been king of the world, I tells ya– king of the world!”
Ossenwold then collapsed at the podium as bored reporters stepped over his convulsing body to get on to the next juicy political story.