A simple solution proposed to stop prison violence.
Alabama Congressman Hank Tippsmon has introduced “The Behind Bars Protection Act”, a bill designed to curtail violence among the over 2.5 million people incarcerated in America.
The revolutionary law is simple in its execution–– every prisoner would be issued a firearm and ammunition for self protection purposes.
“Crime is a real problem in America,” explained Rep. Tippsmon, “that’s true on the streets and especially true in our prisons. These places are filled with nasty people. With my new law, we’d empower the folks most in danger in modern society, those people who live every blessed day among the criminal element–– the prisoners themselves. Armed prisoners could finally stand their ground and protect their Constitutional right to bear arms. I honestly cannot think of a downside to this law, and frankly am shocked no one’s thought of it before. I pray that my fellow members of Congress and everyone in Washington does the right thing and makes this law happen. The idea is bulletproof.”
There has been no word yet from other members of Congress or The White House, but there is widespread support among the prison population.
The recent discloser by Edward Snowden, a defense contractor consultant, that the National Security Agency (NSA) has been monitoring phone calls of all Americans has caused a kerfuffle in Washington. Many citizens view the monitoring of calls made and duration of call times as an invasion of privacy, even though these actions are authorized by Congress under The Patriot Act.
Washington politicians are also up in arms. “Look, I voted for The Patriot Act three times but I had no idea that it gave the government the right to spy on us,” said an anonymous Senator. “It was a huge damn document and like all the other lawmakers, I didn’t read it because I figured there’d eventually be a Cliff Notes version of it or a movie, but now that I’m finding out the powers it grants the government– I’m outraged. I may have to actually read this sucker! I can’t believe we’ve freely given the government these powers to invade our privacy!”
Later that night, records show that the Senator called some escort services and surfed some porn sites.
Lawmakers take a break from their torture of America.Congressional personnel are exiting Washington quickly to enjoy their long summer vacations. “We’re exhausted,” said one Congressman. “Doing nothing good is awfully tiring work.”
While no politician wanted to be quoted on record, all who spoke with The Lint Screen admitted that they were tuckered-out from grandstanding and being sycophantic servants to their lobbyist overlords and billionaire puppet masters. “I’ve had so many rich meals, my last cholesterol test said I was the equivalent to Béarnaise sauce,” said one distraught senator.
Many of the tea party stooges admitted they were tired from trying to drive the economy into the ground. “Playing chicken little and screaming ‘the sky is falling!’ is really harder than it looks,” said one exhausted freshman congressman. “Being a drama queen is tougher duty than I thought it’d be, yes siree, Bob!”
While The Lint Screen research department was unable to identify exactly who this “Bob” person is, we can say with certainty that with the lawmakers away, the United states of America is safe for the time being.
As a result of the recent Supreme Court ruling permitting unlimited election finance support of politicians and political causes by corporations, unions and special interest groups, the venerable Democratic and Republican parties are dissolving in favor of direct politician sponsorship.
This means that soon you may see politicians carry designations like, Goldman Sachs, Exxon Mobil, MetLife, FreedomWorks, Boeing, AMA, Bank of America, NEA, Lockheed Martin, KBR, Novartis, General Electric, Citi and DuPont. Politicians scramble to find corporate sponsors. “Thank goodness for this new ruling,” said a senior senator who demanded anonymity, “we can finally do what we’ve been doing for years– sucking from the corporate teat and letting them guide our hands in writing legislation they can profit by. Now we can do it without the charade of having to debate issues and causes with arcane notions like justice and equality. We can openly allow corporate fascism to rule enabling us to better serve our corporate overlords without the hindrance of the so-called people. Sure, we need them for their votes, but that’s about it. After the election, they just get in the way of things. There’s no need for people in a democracy like ours.”
Asked if this new corporate sponsorship will be like NASCAR sponsorship– with large corporate logos displayed on uniforms, the senator responded angrily, “Don’t be preposterous. That would be tacky. We’ll simply wear lapel pins with tasteful logos to show our sponsor support. We’re not whorish shills, you know.”
Financial companies are elated with the new ruling. “Now we can really help the country with some of our innovative financial ideas,” said a high ranking official who threatened death to this reporter if his identity was disclosed. “Years ago we had to maneuver and work backroom deals to get things like the Glass-Steagall Act overturned. That allowed us to gamble with the housing market finances. Now we don’t have to be so secretive, we can be open about lining the pockets of lawmakers to get laws that favor us without bothersome government oversight or restrictions. If our financial ideas fail, who cares– taxpayers will bail us out. The Supreme Court’s recently ruling ensures a much more transparent buying of politicians, and frankly, what could be more American than that?”
With that, the Wall Street bigwig lit a Cuban Monte Cristo cigar with a burning $1,000 bill and exclaimed, “Hrrrrummmph!”
