The Lint Screen

Tag: Ms. Pickles

  • Granite Shatters Own Political Dreams

    Granite to exit politics to pursue career in commercial direction.

    As expected, Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite, the New Hampshire primary winner in the nonhuman presidential race, has announced that it is withdrawing from consideration. The candidate announced weeks ago that it was considering thinking about maybe possibly withdrawing from the race. Granite was also recently the target of a savage attack ad created by the campaign for Ms. Pickles, a lovable monkey with very sharp teeth and a vicious competitive streak.

    In its statement, Granite said, “I believe the time has come to pursue my true purpose in life– directing TV commercials. It’s what I’ve always wanted to do. Well, that, or driving a horse carriage through central park. Or, working the counter of a high end soda fountain. It’s time for me to wake up from my presidential dreams, rinse away the morning breath and get on with my life. I think this commercial directing thing is just the ticket, there appears to be a severe shortage of them out there.”

    No response was given by the Ms. Pickles political camp, but cackle barks, howls and screeches of joy were heard from behind closed doors.

  • Pickles Airs Attack Ad

    Pickles says Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite has big plans for American electorate.

    The nonhuman presidential race has turned ugly as lovable monkey, Ms. Pickles, has taken to the airwaves to slam a key opponent.

    Witness this recent spot that aired in swing states:

    OPEN ON VIDEO OF HUMAN REMAINS FOLLOWING EARTHQUAKES. OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS, A DRAMATIC VOICEOVER IS HEARD.

    ANNCR: Why does Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite want to be president? Could it be it wants to fall on you and your family and crush you all to painful death? Why would Granite want to kill innocent God-loving Americans? The answer is simple.

    CUT TO SCENES OF GRAVE MARKERS IN A CEMETERY.

    Granite is used to make grave markers.

    CUT TO SCENE OF CRYING LITTLE BOY AND GIRL AT A GRAVE MARKER. FREEZE FRAME ON THEIR TEARY FACES.

    Don’t let Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite know your name. Vote for life. Vote for Ms. Pickles.

    CUT TO VIDEO OF MS. PICKLES WEARING A PINK BOW ON HER HEAD. SHE SQUAWKS.

    SUPER: “I’m Ms. Pickles and I approved this ad.”

    FADE TO BLACK.

    Pundits wonder if this hard hitting commercial may give Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite motivation to finally withdraw from the race.

  • Nonhuman Candidates Embrace Strip Searches

    "Hello, citizen, let’s get to know you better!"

    The Supreme Court’s recent 5-4 decision allowing law enforcement officers to conduct strip searches for even minor offenses has been greeted with enthusiasm by the entire slate of nonhuman presidential candidates.

    “I suspect many criminals are naked beneath their clothes. What exactly are they trying to hide?” said IBM brainy computer, Watson. “Let’s find out!”

    “We need to discover where people are hiding their nasty parts and fix them,” said a spokesperson of Santy Paws, the adorable puppy who proposes “fixing” Americans.

    “I just like seeing naked people,” said bag of Fritos.

    “I’ve got a development deal with Fox for a reality series of cops conducting strip searches,” said Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite. “It’s going to do huge ratings.”

    And Ms. Pickles, the lovable monkey, says that she’d like to strip search the Supreme Court. “What are they hiding beneath those big black robes? Could be anything. Let’s see justice served and have a thorough look-see!”

  • Pickles Accuses Paws of Genocide

    Is this the future that Santy Paws promises humanity?

    Ms. Pickles, the lovable monkey candidate in the nonhuman presidential race, has come out with a vicious attack against one of her opponents, precious puppy, Santy Paws.

    A spokesman for the Pickles campaign, C. Hurley Everett Mungswallow, IV, told reporters, “Ms. Pickles is outraged and deeply disappointed that Santy Paws, allegedly ‘man’s best friend,’ wants to kill all men and women with his recent proposal to have all humans ‘fixed.’ While this will not kill humanity immediately, it will prevent future generations from being born, thus ending the human species. Ms. Pickles believes this would be tragic since human beings are a species she puts in her top 10 favorite species list. This premeditated genocide shows the contempt and hatred that Santy Paws has for humans. Ms. Pickles believes that a candidate determined to wipe out its electorate would not be a good president, whereas she has always had great respect and admiration for people– especially when they give her treats or help pick lice off her back.”

  • Pickles Claims Watson Is Satan

    Could the super computer really be The Big Evil? One monkey thinks so.
    With the nonhuman 2012 presidential campaign heating to a boil, candidate Ms. Pickles today threw gasoline on the fire by claiming that brainiac computer candidate Watson is “a creation of Satan sent to take over the world and obliterate all that is kind and good.”

    The assertions of Ms. Pickles were delivered by a spokesman who read a prepared statement as the spirited primate jumped around on stage and threw mud and feces at a picture of Watson. Many pundits credited Ms. Pickles for her restraint as the accusations were made.

    “Ms. Pickles is a class act,” said Bernie Smidlapp, a seasoned political pundit. “Most candidates would go overboard when claiming another candidate is Satan, the evil one, Beelzebub, the lord of darkness, Lucifer. But not Ms. Pickles. Her response was measured and controlled. I think swing voters will be impressed.”

    The only report from the Watson campaign camp was that the super computer “would be programmed to pray for the obviously mentally ill monkey.”

  • Ms. Pickles Disavows Super PAC Ads

    Ms. Pickles not sure Santy Paws wants to kill children.
    Today, lovable monkey presidential candidate, Ms. Pickles, categorically denied the recent wave of negative advertising run by her Super PAC, Citizens For A World Worth Living In.

    Although the monkey is incapable of human speech, a translator told reporters what Ms. Pickles’ monkey sounds meant.

    “As far as my recent Super PAC ads state, let me say that I do not know for a fact that IBM’s Watson computer loved to help Bin Laden play Jeopardy. I’m also not sure Santy Paws wants to kill the first born of every American family, nor am I positive that bag of Fritos wishes death upon American infidels who do not praise Allah. I also am not certain Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite wishes to raise taxes to 99% and legalize heroin. I ask my Super PAC to please check these commercials for accuracy and if they are not correct, try to take them off the airwaves in the next year or so in the interest of fairness.”