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Slab of Granite Wins New Hampshire Primary
The people of New Hampshire are a stubborn lot, steeped in good old New England practicality and common sense. Staying true to their character, yesterday these hearty individuals refused to follow any parade but one led by a different drummer on a horse of a different color. In a defiantly independent move demonstrating a people…
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Gigundo Upset In Iowa!
In the nonhuman Iowa presidential caucuses held yesterday, pundits had it down to the wire with a three horse race, none of which were horses. IBM’s Watson computer, precious puppy, Santy Paws, and lovable monkey, Ms. Pickles were the contenders– but all were shocked in a huge upset of write-in candidate, Fritos. “Today, Iowans sent…
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Iowa Vote Grab
With the Iowa caucuses only days away, the nonhuman candidates running for president are bowing and scraping for support across “The State Named ‘Iowa’ State.” Super computer Watson has proclaimed “Iowans are the smartest people on Earth, so naturally they will vote for me because I am the only candidate who has a program to…
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Pickles Demands Paws End His War on Christmas
The juggernaut presidential campaign for lovable monkey, Ms. Pickles, is Planet of The Apes-angry at opposing candidate, adorable puppy, Santy Paws. Dan Gruthers, campaign manager for Ms. Pickles, said today that Santy Paws was leading the “Satanic evil war on Christmas.” “Frankly, we believe all Americans should be outraged by this brazen attack by an…
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Paws Claims Pickles May Be Amish Beard Clipper
Come to think of it, I haven’t heard Ms. Pickles state for the record that she is not an Islamic terrorist sent here to bring down democracy. And she ain’t said nothing about not being a Nazi or having ancestors who were involved with the assassinations of Abe Lincoln and JFK, or that Scope’s monkey…
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Pickles Claims Paws Defiled Fire Hydrant
A new political firestorm is sweeping the nation as the campaign for lovable money, Ms. Pickles, accused competing candidate, adorable puppy, Santy Paws, of urinating on a fire hydrant in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. “It is absolutely outrageous that a creature capable of such a disgusting, despicable act is seeking the highest office in the land,” said…