Sean Spicer’s Replacement Announced
The startling details on the mime replacing Sean Spicer as White House press secretary
Patrick Scullin
Comey’s First Draft of Written Testimony Reveals Literary Talent
“It was a dark and stormy night. Dark as ink in a windowless closet, wet as a drunk underwater. The President invited me to dinner. He said he wanted to invite my whole family, but he suspected there might not be enough ice cream to go around. ‘Screw them,’ he said. ‘Come solo.’
Wisdom Imparted On College Grads, An Entire Generation Is Enriched
(The following is Patrick Scullin’s commencement address given to the recent graduates of Ohio State University. Enjoy!) Hello. It is an honor being here today. As I stand up here looking out on this enormous crowd of fresh faces, I’m curious how many are assembled here. There are so many people! To call you a … Read more
Bill Forces First Lady To Hold Prez’s Hand
“When a man marries a woman,” Rep. Russell told The Lint Screen. “that is a sacred trust that can never be broken because it’s two people vowing to love one another until death do them part. Which means a woman must do her man’s will when he likes, no matter what, no questions asked.
Chinos Make Man’s Butt “Look Huge”
“I don’t have the most athletic body,” said the 34-year-old actuary from Pine Bluff, Arkansas. “But the chinos I bought at Sears made my butt look huge! I mean, like the backside of a rhino-big.”
“Guess Nuclear Code Game” Played With Russians
The Russians continued guessing as the president chided them. “You’re cold as a Ukranian winter, fellas. Keep guessing!” The game continued for twenty minutes.