The Lint Screen

Tag: politicians

  • 7 Ways To Capitalize on AIG

     

    Now that we own it, let's milk the sucker!
    Now that we own it, let's milk the sucker!

         Last week, we American taxpayers bought ourselves AIG. I’ve never owned an insurance company, but I do have a few proposals about running our new enterprise:

    1. Let’s outsource for cheap labor in China and India.
    2. Let’s not insure any high risk people.
    3. Let’s continually raise premiums.
    4. If there are claims, let’s dispute them.
    5. Let’s hire an army of lobbyists to get politicians passing laws that favor us.
    6. Let’s pay ourselves great big paychecks with huge stock options and bonuses.
    7. If we do happen to get into financial trouble, let’s have some government bail us out.

     

  • 5 Great Reasons For Monkey Helmet Laws

      I don’t know about you, but I’m sick and tired of politicians yammering endlessly about what they’re going to do about war, the economy, taxes, the environment, education, oil dependency, spending and so on–– when is someone going to come forward with the Monkey Helmet Laws this nation so desperately needs!"Please help save me from my natural enemy-- MYSELF!"

      Just look around and you see monkeys and chimps on unicycles, bicycles, trikes, Harleys, sidecars and other wheeled contraptions doing all sorts of dangerous stunts with nothing but a funny hat to protect their braincages. Sure, it’s fun to watch but it’s also criminal––someone’s bound to get hurt.

       If Bubbles takes a tumble, his gray matter gets a-jumble. Next thing you know, the poor fellow can’t tell a banana from a knitting needle and he knits a crappy sweater with two bananas. Is this what our forefathers wrote with quill pens on parchment paper for? I think not.

       Here’s my five on why we need to get some serious Monkey Helmet Laws on the books:    

    1.  Monkeys are not good drivers
    2.  Monkeys are their own worst enemy     
    3.  Monkeys are too proud to ask for our help    
    4.  Ever seen “The Wizard of Oz”? We don’t need flying monkey attacks!
    5.  Charles Darwin Fan Club membership will plummet
       Then again, there’s the “Planet of the Apes” defense for keeping things just the way they are. I think I know what Charlton Heston would want us to do.