The Lint Screen

Tag: The Situation

  • The Situation To Be Trump’s New Sec. of State

    Look who’s Secretary of State, bitches!

    Leave it to this White House to keep things interesting!

    In an exclusive scoop, The Lint Screen has learned Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino will soon be named the new Secretary of State, replacing Rex Tillerson.

    A sneaky, loose-lipped White House insider (whose father has run for president) confessed, “President Trump is fed up with Tillerson. After it was reported he called the president a ‘moron’, the president looked that word up in the dictionary and became outraged. Moron is not a complimentary word!”

    The leaker continued her confidential disclosure (hint: her father is from Arkansas, plays bass, and has the initials “MH”). “President Trump has lost confidence in Tillerson. He’s old, low energy with no sex appeal, and frankly, has had miserable low ratings. The president wants to take decisive action to correct that. He believes The Situation has the kind of charisma and sexy heat that will get huge ratings and capture the world’s attention. The Situation did great things for the ratings of Jersey Shore, he can do the same for our country–– and that will definitely make America great again.”

    Ms. Blabbermouth then disclosed that the president is considering more reality TV stars for his cabinet.”He’s focused on leadership, and thinks a Kardashian, Simon Cowell, Snooki, or Gordon Ramsay could really turbo-boost ratings for this administration and our great nation.”

    Stay tuned!

  • ‘The Situation’ Pondering Political Career

    The Situation thinks he may have a legit shot in politics.
    The Situation thinks he may have a legit shot in politics.

    Look out Donald, there’s a creature coming from the sea who may take you down!

    After witnessing the incredible success Donald J. Trump has had in politics, Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino of Jersey Shore fame is thinking he may campaign to be the next president of these United States.

    “Hey, why not?” the charismatic mensa member asked The Lint Screen. “I was THE MAN on the shore that is Jer-say. That show was nothing without me. Nothing! Man, I put the reality in reality TV,” The Situation said, while flexing a mountain of muscle on his arm. “Gun show, baby!” He continued pontificating.

    “And I rocked on Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars. Look, dude, they say you can’t beat heat, right? And I’ve got heat. Heat like the sun. Listen, I’m not saying I could take the Donald down today, that guy’s good, but let me get my campaign rolling and we’ll see who’s got game, you know? He’s like, what–– 104? I can do him better than making America great again, I can make America super duper terrific again! Hey, I’ll put that on some ball caps–– bam! Look out, baby, I got the mojo it takes. When is the next election anyway? March, or something?”

    There was no comment from Trump spokespeople, but there have also been rumors of Snooki contemplating a political career.

  • Oops! The Lint Screen Corrections

    Reporters at The Lint Screen work hard to get the scoop. Sometimes we goof.
    Reporters at The Lint Screen work hard to get the scoop. Sometimes we goof–– oopsie daisies!

    Enterprises are made by people and people make mistakes, so every enterprise is mistaken. The Lint Screen is no different.

    We’ve had our share of boners over the years, and we’d like to correct some of them today. We humbly beg you your forgiveness–– for as ‘The Situation’ of “Jersey Shores” famously said, “To err is human; to forgive, divine.”

    The Lint Screen Corrections:

    – A guy named Alexander Pope wrote “To err is human; to forgive, divine.” Not ‘The Situation.’

    – Abraham Lincoln was the 16th President of The United States of America, not “The Secretary of Beards & Cool Headwear” as previously reported.

    – The professional baseball team in Cleveland, Ohio is called “The Cleveland Indians” and not “The Buffalo Whippersnappers” as we previously reported.

    – Socrates was a Greek philosopher who lived from 469 BC – 399 BC. The Lint Screen mistakenly reported that he was the host of “Jeopardy” from 1974-79.

    – The Theory of Relativity has something to do with physics, not whether first cousins can marry as we previously published.

    – The first words spoken by Neil Armstrong when he landed on the moon July 20, 1969 were not “They put a man on the moon, you think my wife could make me a decent plate of waffles.” Apparently, The Lint Screen researchers were given bogus information.

    – The poet Robert Frost is not mentioned in a famous Christmas song as the one “nipping at your nose.” That would be a character called Jack Frost, no relation.

    – We’re pretty sure that Wikipedia is not a sexually transmitted disease.

    – President Gerald Ford did not “conduct important cabinet meetings while seated on a purple Shetland pony and handing out candy apples and comically large cowboy hats.” We’re still not sure where our reporter got that information.

    – The Bay of Pigs refers to something or other that happened in Cuba, not “a magical place where bacon flows freely and the shores are hammalicious!” as we mistakenly disclosed recently.

    We’re sorry if these little mishaps cost you money in bar bets or caused term paper grades to drop. We will do our best to get the story straight in the future, and we thank you for your forgiveness of past mistakes. We’re only hormone.

  • Red Carpet Dish

    The place to be tonight is running your feets here!
    This is where your feet want to be tonight because this is where Hollywood royalty does the perp walk before prostrating themselves before the fatted golden little man named Oscar and anyone who is anyone is totally here and as glammed-up as thirsty angels going out on a Saturday night bender and look who’s coming now– it’s Natalie Portman of Black Swan fame and she is gorgeously decked-out in a pink taffeta tutu number with black fishnet stockings and purple plastic kneecap protectors and what’s that she’s eating– it’s planks of chicken tenders and she’s dunking them in a small bucket of cream gravy a servant is carrying and oopsie-daisy a glop o’ gravy just hit the red carpet and that is going to leave an awful greasy stain and who is this coming– why it’s True Grit’s own Jeff Bridges and he is gussied-up in a cowboy theme of leather chaps, no pants, and a red bandana tied ’round his neck and he has an eyepatch covering his right nipple and I think this may be the fashion statement of the evening but WAIT, here comes Helena Bonham Carter of The King’s Speech and she is gorgeous in an all white nurse’s outfit and bright red pumps but it looks like she’s tracking something all over the carpet and by the smell of it I think she may not have watched her step around her dogs, and oh my word here’s her leading man Kingy-poo, Colin Firth, and he apparently did not know that The Oscars are a formal affair– he’s wearing tattered jeans, a faded Led Zep tee and Crocs, oh, he must feel out of place but look who’s coming now– it’s bad boy Charlie Sheen and he smells like he has been partying for days and oh my goodness, he’s making sick all over Melissa Leo’s gown and the red carpet and here comes The Situation from Jersey Shore drinking red wine from the bottle and fortunately he has been tasered and the wine has spilled all over the carpet, that stain will never come out, and the cops are dragging him away in handcuffs, oh I wish you could see the action here on the red carpet– it is SOMETHING but I am going to have a long night trying to get this red carpet clean again…

  • Bristol & The Situation Cause End of Civilization

    What do you get when you cross The Situation with Bristol Palin?

    Absolutely nothing!

    The two pop culture icons appear together in a compellingly persuasive new PSA all about safe sex that has proven so effective, people no longer feel the need to have sex.

    Population experts fear the human race may soon become extinct as a result.