The Lint Screen

Tag: Victoria’s Secret

  • Are You Human or Special Effects?

    Some film guru once stated that there are two types of movies: those stories about the human condition (timeless tales), and those that show you something you could never see otherwise (special effects extravaganzas).

    Right now, you can see two prime examples of these movie types, each a standout in its particular weight class. For the human condition genre, we have the always scrappy Woody Allen weighing in with one of his best films of the past few decades: Midnight in Paris. And in the opposite corner, representing state of the art heavyweight special effects and 3-D whizbangery, Mr. over-the-top perennial heavyweight Michael Bay and his Transformers: Dark of the Moon.

    Both are worth seeing for different reasons.

    Woody directs humans in a human story.
    I am a fan of the timeless tale human condition genre, and the simple premise of Midnight in Paris is one with real sticking power. Owen Wilson plays Gil, a successful Hollywood screenwriter who is miserable with his lot in life. He loves Paris, rainy nights and the romantic dream of writing the great novel. He yearns to be like Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Cole Porter and the posse of 1920’s artistic ex-pats who made Paris their home and playground. Gil is engaged to Inez, played by Rachel McAdams, a woman who was born into the finer things of life. Her parents are in Paris to help the couple make their wedding plans. Inez and her folks represent conformity, pragmatism, be-happy-with-what-you’ve-got-and-get-your-head-outta-the-cloudsism. They are the cold boot of reality kicking upside Gil’s silly romantic notions-filled head.

    One night, Gil is alone on a contemplative stroll through the Paris streets. A clock strikes midnight, and a 1920’s auto rolls up and stops. The back door opens and Gil sees people in 1920’s dress slurping cocktails and laughing gayly. They invite him to join, and he does.

    Off Gil goes to live it up with his heroes: Ernest, F. Scott, Zelda, Cole, Gertrude, Salvador, Pablo and more. He lives magically in his ideal period, the man out of time who finally finds his time. After a wild night, he is back to modern times and his modern life and modern problems. Like a junkie, once he’s had a taste of his pleasure-filled escape, he returns again and again to his midnight strolls that transport him back to his romanticized time.

    Along the way, he falls in love– never a good idea for time travelers. And the happy couple have their own physics bending adventure with ironic and illuminating outcomes.

    I’ll say no more than this is a charming, magical and lasting movie that uses imagination and the human condition as special effects to make a simple, yet profound point. And Owen Wilson is certainly not the Owen Wilson we saw in Marley & Me. Thank God.

    Chalk one up for the Woodman and the human condition timeless tale with a dash of magic thrown in for good measure. This is a terrific film.

    Michael directs human props in a special effects story.
    Which brings us to Transformers: Dark of the Moon. But before I get started, let me disclose my prejudices right up front.
    1. I’m not a Michael Bay fan. His commercial work was great, his features work overblown.
    2. I’m not a fan of big stupid special effects movies. For the most part, the stories are lame and the effects don’t stick in my memory banks.
    3. I’m not a big fan of Shia LaBeouf. The guy doesn’t have much gravitas, soul, screen presence. He can act, but he’s like diluted vanilla.
    4. Don’t much care for Transformers. This could be a result of having stepped on too many of the damn things when our kids played with them– a time when Transformers littered our house ready to transform from toys into implements of painful death.
    5. I think most 3-D movies are gimmicks not worthy of the upcharge for the silly glasses required to view them

    All these prejudices aside, I’m glad I saw this film. It was the coolest 3-D movie I’ve ever seen, and Michael Bay has some amazing camerawork. In a weird way, what makes Bay obnoxious in two dimensions makes him pretty spectacular in three. It’s like icing on top of frosting that somehow works for a visual feast worth attending.

    The plot? Well, yeah, there’s a plot: an alien spacecraft crashes on the moon, N.A.S.A. alerts the White House and the next thing you know, J.F.K. initiates the space program to get a man on the moon to investigate before the Ruskies do. We all thought the moon mission was for pride, but it was to investigate the crashed alien spacecraft– why must our leaders always deceive us?

    Yada blah blah yada and here we are in the present or near future and Autobots are helping our government and evil Decepticons (nasty Transformers who need a good talking to so that they’ll maybe straighten up and fly right!) want to take over our planet and the key to the whole shebang are some special rods that were on that spacecraft that crashed into the moon and well, Yada blah blah yada.

    Yeah, there’s a plot and there’s some talented actors trapped in the plot: John Turturro, Frances McDormand, John Malkovich and Dr. McDreamy himself. Shia LeBeouf has him a hot new girlfriend, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, and Michael Bay is more than happy to show us why she’s a star in the Victoria’s Secret catalog. The script does not develop her character any further than commentary from all perspectives that she’s a hottie. It doesn’t really matter, the humans serve only one purpose in this film: give some puny scale against which the mighty Transformers might dominate and intimidate.

    And that’s where this film shines. The effects work is stunning. The 3-D shot composition, especially in master shots with tiny humans in foreground and massive Transformer and breathtaking vistas in background are what make this film worth forking over the extra bucks for the glasses.

    If you cheap out and see the film in 2-D, be warned– you’ll only be magnifying the silliness of this affair.

    The movie clocks in at over two and a half hours. It could have easily lost a half hour or forty-five minutes, but when you’re guorging yourself, what’s some extra cheese?

    All in all, this film is worth sitting through for the amusement park adventure of the spectacular destruction of Chicago and some famous landmarks. Don’t expect much more than that, and you’ll enjoy your long, noisy ride.

  • Outrage Over New TSA “Extra Security Candid Photos”

    The American air-traveling public was upset enough over enhanced TSA pat-down checks and body scans, but now its ire is on full boil with new ‘extra security candid photos’ being enacted in airports nationwide.

    Select travelers are taken into a private security areas where they are asked to disrobe, and in some cases wear revealing costumes, so that they can be photographed by TSA shutterbugs.

    “I can’t believe what they did,” said Mandy Ginhuttin, a 28-year old mechanical engineer who was recently subjected to the new enhanced security check at Hartsfield-Jackson Airport in Atlanta.

    “The TSA guard escorted me to an area that was about the size of a department store dressing room. I was instructed to disrobe and change into a revealing teddy outfit, from Victoria’s Secret, I think. I asked why, and they said it was a top secret security procedure. I did what they said, I was terrified. Then, some sleazy photographer came in and took a couple dozen pictures. He was saying rude things like, ‘Oh yeah, baby, that’s it– make love to the lens, that’s the stuff. Yeah, baby– I’m going to make you a star, sugar, a TSA star!’ After about ten minutes of posing, he told me I did great and I was cleared, I could get clothed and catch my flight. He said I might receive a follow-up call to take part in a video security project he was doing. He said that the film was being shot in some motel close to the airport. Frankly, it all seems pretty sleazy, not to mention suspicious.”

    Another woman, Juanita Vesquez, reported she was asked to don a tight-fitting nurse’s uniform for her photo session. “They told me that apparently a lot of terrorists were dressing in costumes and uniforms and that with my cooperation, they could build some sort of database. It didn’t make much sense to me, but they said I had to either do that or be subjected to an oil rub-down private security check with Yanni music playing in the background. That really creeped me out, so I decided to do the dress-up thing. I had a choice to wear either a nurse uniform, a Catholic school girl outfit or a cheerleader get-up. I think the whole thing was shady, and an incredible invasion of my privacy!”

    When asked about the new security procedure, TSA employees were mum but offered to give this reporter a pat-down with iron pipes if he didn’t move his big mouth along quickly.