Abbott Will Vote For All Texans: “It’s The Neighborly Thing To Do”

The United States of America has fifty governors, but one stands out for thoughtfulness for his people: Texas Republican Governor Greg Abbott.

Today Abbott talked with The Lint Screen about his revolutionary plan to save his constituents “from the bother of voting” and why he’s doing it.

“Look, you might have heard there’s a pandemic out there,” Abbott says. “I don’t want to expose my Texans to the potential dangers of COVID-19. There’s been a lot of fighting about the legitimacy of voting by mail and the risks of voting in person and being beaten by white supremacists, so I grabbed the bull by the horns and made an executive decision–– I’ll protect my people and save them the hassle of voting. I’ll just vote for them.”

Abbott plans to decide what he believes the voting results will be in each of the 254 counties in Texas.

“I know my people better than anyone,” Abbott brags, “so naturally I always know in my bones the will of my citizens. And they can rest easy knowing I’ve got their backs on this.”

The kindhearted governor said he decided to spearhead voting chores because he saw the potential for trouble if the election was held in the traditional manner.

“For the love of God, we can’t even agree about wearing masks,” Abbott says with a chuckle. “Holding this election the same way we’ve always done would be a recipe for disaster. Let’s face facts, this COVID-19 Democrat hoax is so danged good, even President Trump and his beautiful bride Melania got themselves a dose. Democrats are devious cusses, let me tell you.”

Asked how he will ensure Texans can be confident in his forecasting their votes at the ballot box, the governor waves a dismissive hand.

“Texans know my heart is always with them,” the guv said. “Look, Texans are very busy people, and they know I am only doing this because it’s the neighborly thing to do. And, pardners, I am happy to do it!”

Abbott rubs his hands together.

“Boy howdy, it’s going to be awfully interesting to see how this race turns out. I can’t wait to know how Texans are going to decide this horse race. Y’all can color this cowboy curious!”

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