It was the jazz side of midnight. I was working the business end of a bottle of Bunions Bourbon when a dame cast a shadow as curvaceous as a Le Mans track my doorway.
“Are you Mr. Schmildlap?” she interrogated.
“What’s it to you?” I snapped.
She stepped forward and purred, “Kiss me. Now.”
I looked her up and down. She was a tall one, a thick mane of auburn hair framed a face angels would kill for. She had lips as lush as maraschino cherries puckering to kiss the sun, skin like porcelain (and probably easier to clean), and legs that went all the way to the floor capped with petite pups housed in a red stilettos that could double for murder weapons in the right hands.
“Sorry,” I said. “I don’t play hanky or panky until I know what I’m getting into.”
“Too bad,” she said, striding across the room. “I thought you could handle it.” She reared back her wing to give me a roundhouse open fist when I stopped her midair.
“Play nice, kitten,” I said. “Or I won’t put out a saucer of milk.”
She recoiled and tried her best to strike a gallant pose, then she began shaking like a bowl of Jell-O in an earthquake and put on a water show.
“Oh, Mr. Schmildlap, I need your help desperately,” she warbled. “I’m at my wit’s end.”
“Then you better start yapping, or I’ll call a plumber to shut down your water works. This suit ain’t wash ‘n wear, doll face.”
She sat in the chair as I went behind my desk, popped my Florsheims on the desk, and torched a Pall Mall.
“It’s President Trump,” she blurted. “Do you know him?”
“Trump?” I ran the name through my memory bank, and it came back like a bad penny. “What’s his beef?”
“The presidential election,” she said. “It was stolen from him.”
“Stolen?”
“Yes. That mean socialist Joe Biden cheated President Trump out of his re-election,” she dabbed her baby blues with tissues, sopping tears like a thirsty sponge. “The president wants you to find the missing 11,780 votes for him so he can win the state of Georgia and stay in the White House.”
“Missing votes?” I asked, pushing my fedora back on my brain cage. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“Trump says 11,780 of his votes are missing. He needs them. Senators Josh Hawley, Ron Johnson, Ted Cruz, and other congressional GOP patriots also think a crime’s been committed. Oh, Mr. Schmidlap, won’t you help us save democracy from a tyrant like the notorious radical Joe Biden? He wants to destroy America. Only Donald Trump can save it!”
“Lemme get this straight, dish. You say there’s a mystery…”
“Yes.”
“11,780 missing Trump votes…”
“That’s right. They were shredded, or the Dominion voting machines were rigged to make Trump votes say Biden, or dead people voted, or the dog ate the ballots, or aliens from Mars landed and––”
“Okay, okay, I catch the drift.” I snubbed the cigarette out on my face and blew a plume of smoke. “There’s no mystery here, doll,” I said planting my feet on the floor and standing. “There are no missing 11,780 votes.”
“But there are!”
“Nope. And there never were.”
What do you mean?”
“Haven’t you seen the news? There have been three election counts and recounts in Georgia. Everything adds up. It’s all jake. Trump’s toast. The big galoot lost fair and square. Joltin’ Joe took him down.”
“But what about the 11,780 votes?” she gasped. “Where did they go?”
“It’s bullshit. Trump lied. Made up the entire cockamamie story. He’s a complete bullshitter. Avoids the truth like it’s playing tag. Trump’s a pathological liar, babe. Mystery solved. Case closed.”
“But Mr. Schmildlap, he said he was cheated, and the deep state is out to get him, and the liberal elite media hates him, and dry cleaners have a plot against him by not removing his stubborn gravy stains, and…”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” I comforted the dish as I walked her to the door and gave her the air. “Cry me a river, sister. And tell Trump he better get packing. He’s getting evicted January 20th and then it’s not long until he take up residency in the crossbar motel.”
The dame ran down the stairs angry as a hen that’s been refused a small business loan with an impeccable FICO score. I returned to my Bunion’s bottle and maybe the elusive search to discover what the insides of my eyelids looked like.
———————————————————————————————-
Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.
23 responses to “The Case of The Missing 11,780 Georgia Votes”
[…] says. “The president said he won in a landslide. Won all 50 states–– won them big. Trump don’t lie, he don’t have to, he’s the president! I read on Facebook the Chinese worked with Hugo Chavez, Alex Trebek, and Fidel Castro to rig the […]
[…] Jordan proclaims, “we even backed him on his recent bullshit election fraud cases. And we encouraged the murderous rampage ransacking of the U.S. Capitol. Whatever it takes, we got […]
[…] I wouldn’t lie,” Dobbs says. “I told America the truth–– Donald Trump was cheated of his second term by these voting machine companies. Trump told us he won in a landslide– he won all 50 states! But […]
[…] president’s call was done to sort out a grave injustice,” van der Veen said. “Everyone knows Donald J. Trump won the election in a landslide. He […]
[…] “I need everyone in the GOP on the same page–– I won the election in a landslide, winning all fifty states, and I was cheated by Biden, who is not the legal president. I am! And what happened on January 6 […]
[…] so himself,” Dugan says. “Trump was cheated. So were David Perdue and Kelly Loeffler. These Democrat rascals stole the election, and they did it by letting a whole bunch of people vote who shouldn’t have. I know we had a […]
[…] night. A landslide. An incredible victory. No one has ever seen anything like it! But suddenly, they find millions of secret ballots for Biden. That’s a lie. They were votes from people who don’t have the right to vote in white […]
[…] knows it can get pretty hot in the state of Georgia, so its Governor Brian Kemp has created what he calls “a brilliant solution” to […]
[…] “It’s a disgrace what baseball did,” Trump says. “And a disgrace how weak Brian Kemp and the Georgia GOP was in their new voting laws. Minorities will still be allowed to vote in Georgia, so they completely failed. A total disaster. Georgia was in on the steal, and I’ll never forgive Kemp and Ratsburger, or whatever the hell his name is, for costing me the election.“ […]
[…] piggy banks, search for Mommy and Daddy’s money, and pledge it all to The Trump Defense Fund. Joe Biden cheated him out of his re-election, but once President Trump gets back into office he’ll help you maintain your freedoms! […]
[…] hate her,” said Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan. “If Cheney doesn’t think Biden stole the election, her treasonous betrayal could rock our entire democracy. President Trump told us he won in a […]
[…] (R-AZ) agrees the entire incident was overblown. “It’s all the fault of the Democrats. If Joe Biden hadn’t cheated President Trump out of his second term, none of this would have ever happened. We’re going to expose Biden’s cheating in […]
[…] bad because Donald Trump told us he won in a landslide–– and that man don’t lie. It’s pretty suspicious President Trump somehow lost days after the […]
[…] need to get on with life. Let sleeping dogs lie,” McCarthy says. “I wish I had been in the Capitol on January 6, then I could speak with […]
[…] #1, “and although it was a heck of a lot of work, it was worth it. After we disqualified the fake Biden ballots and re-allocated the voters’ real intentions, we can confidently declare President Trump […]
[…] put his country and people first. By far, he was the greatest American President. Then Joe Biden stole the election from him. That is not right, so patriots came to his defense. What’s wrong with that? I agree with the […]
[…] “Biden cheated Trump out of re-election,” DeSantis claims, “and now he wants to cheat us out of our freedoms. Old Joe says we should all get vaccines. What kind of sick maniac wants to jab innocent people with needles and inject them with God only knows what? I suspect the vaccine may contain sperm from George Soros and that Biden wants us all to give birth to dangerous liberal thoughts. Things like empathy and compassion, and believing in stuff like science and experts. Well, not in my state, no sir!” […]
[…] tell it was something cooked up by God-hating Rachel Maddow, Dr. Fauci, and Joe Biden so they could steal the election from Donald Trump. And now they want to jab you with needles to control your […]
[…] you, and they’re conspiring to make you fail. Like Joe Biden stealing the election from me. Everyone knows Biden cheated and isn’t the real president. Mr. Pillow Guy says I won, and he is very smart. Rudy Giuliani […]
[…] me, probably my wife and kids, too. And who could blame them? The media provoked them by spreading the false story that Joe Biden had won the election. I’m glad I was protected, but now I’m finally speaking out. Donald J. Trump is our savior and […]
[…] was hiding hundreds of sacks of Trump ballots in the Capitol basement,” Jordan claims. “They knew Donald Trump won the 2020 election […]
[…] sound like I was a sore loser and wanted people to overturn the government. Why would I do that? I was already the President and had just won re-election by a landslide. And poor Joe Biden was homeless, so I let him move […]
[…] election workers Ruby Freeman and her daughter, Wandrea’ ArShaye Moss, by accusing them of fraud during the Georgia vote counting at State Farm Arena in […]