J.D. Vance may one day be a heartbeat away from replacing the man he once described as “America’s Hitler.”

Vance, another Ivy League-educated d-bag, was recently selected by disgraced twice-impeached ex-President and felon Donald J. Trump as his running mate in the 2024 race.

The spineless V.P. choice groveled to gain the approval of his declared “lord and master, savior of the world” Trump.

“There’s a simple explanation for my previous critical statements of America’s greatest President ever,” Vance tells The Lint Screen. “Satan possessed me. The dark one had me speaking with a forked tongue, saying awful things about the man he fears most––Donald Trump!”

Vance now claims he is engaged with Trump “in a holy battle for America’s soul. We are the only ones who save us!”

“He was sent here by God,” Vance claims. “Trump is our savior. A man of virtuous words, the highest morals, and spotless character. Everyone knows he is the greatest president of all time. Case closed!” 

His views today are quite a turnaround from the man who once wrote, “Trump is cultural heroin. He makes some feel better for a bit. But he cannot fix what ails them, and one day they’ll realize it.”

Among his other greatest hits is Vance’s previous reference to his new master as “unfit” and his policies as “immoral to absurd.” 

“The devil moved my hand,” Vance swears. “Satan is pure evil, and the dark one fears Trump because he is the only righteous warrior who can battle to save our country.”

Like Trump, Vance suckles at the bank accounts of billionaires looking to get richer if the puppets get into office. Russia’s President Vladimir Putin heartily endorses the Trump/Vance ticket.

“These are great men,” Putin says. “They will always do the right thing. I have total faith in that.” He giggles, then strangles a puppy.

---

Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.