On Wednesday morning, the switchboard operator at Fox News Network allowed an enraged, crazy old man to reach the hosts of Fox and Friends.

“Harris and Walz want to make Americans turn into communists,” disgraced ex-President felon Donald J. Trump shouted. “They want to boil everyone in oil, skin them, shove maggots in their mouths, and chop their limbs off with rusty saws. They’re going to kill all the pets too. These are not very nice people.”

Host Steve Doocy was shocked. “I had no idea they were so liberal.”

“Or cruel,” said Ainsley Earhardt. “What they’re planning is just awful.”

“I could never vote for them,” Brian Kilmeade. “I don’t want to be a communist. I like my limbs.”

“Then you’ve got to vote Trump,” the cranky old guy said. “I’m going to make America great again again, like I did the last time I was president, until they cheated me out of office.”

“What do you think of the Democrats’ apparent happiness and joy with the new ticket?” Doocy asked.

“They keep saying we’re weird and they’re happy, which is a lie,” the enraged man said, turning from orange to red. “When I was president, everyone was happy. Very happy. Everyone says so. I got love letters from that little Kim guy in Korea. Putin loved me. And everyone says I did a great job leading them through covid, people were very happy then. No one’s ever seen anything like it. So much happiness. Many people are saying covid was started by KamaBigdummyla. My new nickname for her is KamaBigdummyla. Do you like it? “

“It’s very clever,” Doocy says. “True genius. And stable.”

“I love it,” Kilmeade agrees. “Really rolls off the tongue.”

“Another winner, Mr. President,” Earhardt says. “Very catchy.”

“Have you been happy with your vice president pick, JD Vance, sir?” Doocy asks. “Some people wonder if––”

“He’s fantastic,” Trump says. “A real regular guy. Very down to earth, has all that hillybilly stuff. Pure white trash. And has rich friends. He loves me. So much love for me. He’ll be brave enough to do what Mike Pence was too chicken to do.“

“Are you feeling confident, Mr. President?” Kilmeade asks.

“Never been more confident,” the agitated nutball says. “Kama-what’s-her-name picked a real loser running mate. Tiny Tim Waltz. Such a stupid name, Waltz. No one dances waltzes anymore. He legalized heroin in Minnesota, forced women to get abortions, and many people wonder about all the time he spent with young kids. Underage kids. Talk about creepy. I’m going to mop the floor with those two losers.”

“Well, you probably have to go now,” Doocy says. “I’m sure you have a busy day on the campaign trail.”

“No, my tee time’s not for another two hours,” the grouchy senior says. “Let me tell how Joe Biden ruined America and the world…”

The hosts roll their eyes as the old dude works up another head of steam.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.