Texas Sen. Ted Cruz doubles and triple down on gun ownership.
Sen. Ted Cruz wants to make it crystal clear that he is pro-life and pro-gun.
The portly bag of crap from Texas has been acting like a tough guy since the tragic Uvalde massacre that left 19 children and two adult teachers dead.
“This thing wouldn’t have happened if those kids and teachers had been armed,” Republican Cruz tells The Lint Screen. “And I wholeheartedly reject those who say 18-year-olds are too young to buy and own guns. I firmly believe the right to bear arms begins at conception. That’s when life begin. And that’s when your rights as an American begins. And our forefathers wanted all of us to be heavily armed.”
Cruz supports the pre-Handmaid’s Tale anti-abortion laws Texas and many other states have enacted.
“From the moment of conception, we must protect that citizen,” Cruz says. “And if that fetus wants a small firearm to protect itself from being aborted, we should help it by God. Everyone has a right to defend themself, no matter what the age.”
“I think gun ownership could be real game changers for kids,” he claims. “They’ll be able to negotiate higher allowances for themselves, get better grades to get into better schools, and defend themselves on social media. People with guns get a lot more likes on social media.”
Cruz believes it is crucial children have the proper weapon for their needs. “Since young kids may not have the best aim, they should have some serious firepower––something like an AR-15. A semi-automatic rifle makes a lot of sense. It allows you to blanket your target, and you can even use your weapon for cooking bacon. I did it in a TV ad when I was running.”
The Trump lapdog smiles. “Protecting yourself and cooking bacon, what could be better than that?”
Teachers will now be charged with stopping school shootings.
Following the tragic elementary school massacre in Uvalde, Texas, yesterday, the Republican Party has finally decided enough is enough.
“We’ve got to take some decisive action,” Texas Gov. Greg Abbott told The Lint Screen. “I’ve always said the only thing that will stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. And yesterday, even though Robb Elementary School did have a good guy with a gun, unfortunately, the bad guy won. The only solution to this problem is a good guy with a bigger gun.”
“I think the only common sense thing to do is arm the teachers with bazookas,” the pudgy, bearded spineless man declares. “That way, it won’t matter if the school shooter wears kevlar. A bazooka shell will blow that kid to smithereens.”
Abbott believes teachers will welcome the new responsibility.
“We’ve already told teachers the version of American history we want them to teach,” the gun-lovin’ guv says. “And we’re going to tell ’em what books to ban. Now we’re telling them they got to protect their kids with bazookas. I’m sure the teachers are going to love having that added responsibility. And I encourage all Texans to arm themselves to the teeth. We need to beat California for the state with the most guns. The NRA and gun manufacturers will give us a nice bonus if we do!”
“I think it is important people don’t forget the GOP’s first line of defense in any mass shooting,” the pelican man says. “And that is thoughts and prayers. We need the American people to think and pray harder. Then we can rely on God to end school shootings.”
2:41 p.m., 1-6-22/ Sen. Chuck Grassley: WTF, Mark! You’ve got to stop the maniac and have him call off his attack dogs! I’m hiding beneath my desk–– with my knees, I may never stand again!!! Do something. NOW!!! We’re all going to die!!!!!!!!!
2:45 p.m./ V.P. Mike Pence: Cripes, Mark––what’s going on? Gee, willikers, I’m starting to really get nervous. These people who stormed The Capitol look perturbed, and they keep chanting my name. Apparently, they want to hang me. Why? What did I do? I didn’t do anything but obey the law. Would you please ask The Boss to call them off? Thanks, Mark, and God bless!!! I’ll remember you in my prayers.
2:50 p.m./ Rep. Jim Jordan: Mark– This is getting pretty intense. I’m a brave guy (did I ever tell you I used to coach wrasslin’?) but these people in The Capitol look like a rough mob. How are they going to be able to tell us from them??? What do I do if they call me a Democrat? I don’t want to seem critical here, but do you think maybe you could tell The Big Man to shut this thing down? It’s too dangerous. And please remind him about my Medal of Freedom.
2:51 p.m./ V.P. Mike Pence: The Secret Service is taking me away to a secret location for safe keeping. They told me not to disclose my whereabouts to anyone–– not even you or The President. But if you guess, I’ll let you know if you’re hot or cold.
3:00 p.m./ Sen. Mitch McConnell: For crissakes, Mark, this isn’t funny! Would you tell that asshole crybaby that he LOST the goddamn election?!!! HE LOST!!!!! IT’S OVER!!!! If he keeps this coup going, we’re going to kill the whole damn Party! STAND DOWN! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3:14 p.m./ Sen. Lindsay Graham: Hey, Mark. I saw that guy on TV who is bare chested and has a Viking helmet. He looks like he’s in great shape (probably a real gym rat, umm). I mean, WHEW, I think someone ought to towel him off! I’d love to be the guy. Do you think you could get his number for me?
3:20 p.m./ Fox News Host Sean Hannity: Mark, I’m selling this BLM/ Antifa angle HARD! But it’s obvious these are Trumpers. What should I do? Do you want to ask HIM, or should I wait for Q-Anon to give me some direction? Remember, I’m supposed to look like a journalist. Just let me know what HE thinks.
3:26 p.m./ Sen. Ted Cruz: Mark, is there an end game here? I’m kind of worried we’re all going to die. I’m on hold with American Airlines to see if I can catch a quick flight to Cancun––I’m worried I might not make it out alive. Cancun is my happy place. Maybe you can suggest The Boss shuts this down.
3:28 p.m./ Rudy Giuliani: Mark, would have someone let me into the White House? I’m outside the gate and the guards won’t let me in. Is he mad at me? Tell him I’m sorry for whatever I did. Just let me in! I’ve got some Doritos! Thanks.
3:31 p.m./ Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene: I’ve been a good little girl, Mark, but this shit is getting scary. I think someone took a dump outside my office. Either that or Gaetz shit himself again. Would you tell The Boss to dial back the crazy mob a little? I didn’t sign up to be a martyr.
2:34 p.m./ V.P. Mike Pence: Mark, let The Boss know I’m still on his team. If there are any issues, let’s iron them out. We can do this!!!
3:42 p.m./ Rep. Matt Gaetz: It’s getting pretty terrifying in here.Did the crowd get Pence yet? That little weasel vanished into thin air. Let me know when the mob finds him. I’m tired of hiding. And could arrange a high school field trip to the Capitol soon? Maybe an all-girls school? I need some companionship here. It’s lonely.
3:47 p.m./ Sen. Ted Cruz: American Airlines has the worst on-hold music ever. If I make it out alive, I swear I’m proposing legislation against their on-hold bullshit. It’s criminal!!!
3:50 p.m./ Sen. Josh Hawley: Mark, Would you have the President remind his raving gang that I’m the brave guy who had his fist in the air this morning? I’m afraid someone might accidentally punch my lights out and rip me to shreds. Thanks, buddy!
3:54 p.m./ Sen. Lindsay Graham: Mark, I hate to be a pest but did you have any luck getting the phone number of that striking Viking? I’d really like to meet him.
3:55 p.m../ Fox News host Tucker Carlson: Mark, I’ve got a good angle on this story. I’ll play up replacement theory––that always does excellent ratings, and everyone will forget about this coup thing (if it fails––which I hope it doesn’t! Viva la Trump!!!). Pass my replacement theory idea by THE MAN and let me know. Happy to help!
4:12 p.m./ House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy: Okay, Mark, the maniac has had his fun. He needs to call the thing off. It’s not going to work. There are cameras everywhere–– THE OPTICS ARE HORRIBLE!!! We look like a goddamn banana republic! I want to be House Majority leader, but these goons may burn my House down! STOP THE MADNESS!!! NOW!!!!!
4:14 p.m./ Sen. Ted Cruz: Hey, Mark, I’m still on hold with American Airlines. Do me a favor and see if the Big Man could redirect some of his kill squad to American’s phone center. Their on-hold music is driving me insane!!! I gotta get to Cancun soon!
4:15 p.m./ Sen. Ron Johnson: Mark, tell the mad man to get on TV and call off his attack dogs. Enough is enough. It’s scary as hell in here. I didn’t come to Washington to die!!!
4:22 p.m./ Sen. Lindsay Graham: Did you have any luck with that Viking phone number? Thanks, Mark. I appreciate your help. I can’t stop thinking about the dreamy Viking.
4:31 p.m./ President Vladimir Putin: Tell him to turn his “special phone” on––I need to talk. I’m watching this on TV, and you need more firepower! You can’t start a war if you don’t have a good army. These Trump people look like amateurs. Where did he find them? That fool can’t do anything right! Have him call me NOW!!!
The coup attempt would continue, and President Trump would eventually send a sweet video love letter to his supporters in their attempt at his coup.
And now the January 6 Committee is doing a witch hunt against Trump. It makes one wonder why?
Justice Samuel Alito wants to control women’s bodies.
Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito caused a sensation when the draft of his upcoming decision concerning abortion leaked earlier this week. Alito and four other conservative Supreme Court Justices are poised to make abortion illegal.
“It’s the right thing to do,” Alito tells The Lint Screen. “The federal government has no power over a woman’s body. Our forefathers didn’t say anything about abortion rights in the Constitution. It wasn’t an inalienable right like owning lots of guns and voting––providing you were a white male landowner. Hell, women didn’t even get the right to vote until 1920. And frankly, I’m not so sure that was a good idea. I may look into that.”
Alito believes that the decision was wrong to ban abortion, which has been the law of the land since the Roe vs. Wade decision in 1973.
“Roe vs. Wade said a woman has a right to her privacy and a right to choose,” Alito said as he took a chaw of tobacky. “Giving women rights is just not right. Do you think my little missy knows what’s good for her? No, sir. She needs to ask my permission for any decision. And I think that’s what our forefathers would have wanted.”
Alito also believes rape and incest victims must bear the child. “It’s not her decision if she doesn’t want the baby. It’s the father’s decision. And sometimes the father is her father. And everyone knows that father always knows best.”
Four other conservative judges agree with Alito’s decision. Justices Clarence Thomas, Neil Gorsuch, Brett Kavanaugh, and Amy Coney Barrett all believe women should do as they’re told.
“We all lied about believing Roe vs. Wade was settled law to get our way onto the Supreme Court,” said Justice Kavanaugh, as Justices Thomas and Gorsuch held his feet for a keg stand. “Now it is finally time to do the job we were sent here by The Federalist Society to do.”
Justice Barrett said she believes women need to know their place. “Let’s remember history. Eve was made from Adam’s rib. So, naturally, you have to stand by your man.”
Justice Alito doesn’t think there will be any blowback when his majority decision becomes official.
“Women won’t care about this ruling,” he says. “And if they do raise a stink, so what? The little ladies don’t vote.” He smiles. “Not for long anyway.” The smug man pauses. “And besides, I’m here for life to decide what’s best for them.”
1-3-22/ Rep. Jim Jordan: Mark– let the big guy know I’m ready to do whatever it takes to keep him in office. Also, tell him I love him more than my own family and will fight to the death to preserve his glory and prove my undying loyalty and sincere man-crush. And please remind him he promised he’d give me a Medal of Freedom. I deserve it.
1-4-22/ Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yo,Mark, I am ready to rumble!!! Let’s overturn this stupid democracy and give THE GREAT ONE the keys to the kingdom. He deserves it! Please tell him I said that, and I am his biggest cheerleader!!! Btw, I’m that blonde lady from GA––the batshit crazy one.
1-5-22/ Sen. Ted Cruz: Hey, Mark, don’t forget to tell The Chief I am proud to have castrated myself in public, saving him the trouble. I’m a sniveling coward and ready to do whatever it takes to praise his glory, for he is The Chosen One. Tomorrow, we overturn the election!!! All Hail, TRUMP!
9:08 a.m.,1-6-22/ Rep. Matt Gaetz: Mark–– I’m so excitedtoday’s the day!!! Let’s run the damn Dems out of town, abolish voting, and install Trump as our LEADER FOR LIFE! Also, please tell him to pardon me if they make these pedophile cases stick.
10:11 a.m. 1-6-22/ Sen. Josh Hawley: Mark, what did The Big Man think of my fist in the air gesture to the crowd? Pretty awesome, right? Let him know I’m his boy… I’m happy to do whatever he says. And if Pence chickens out, maybe The Don would consider me as V.P. He knows he can always rely on me!
AT NOON, THE PRESIDENT INCITES AN ANGRY MOB AND INSTRUCTS THEM TO STORM THE CAPITOL “AND TAKE OUR COUNTRY BACK.” ALTHOUGH HE PROMISES TO JOIN THEM, HE INSTEAD GOES TO THE WHITE HOUSE FOR CHEESEBURGERS, FRIES, 7-LAYER CHOCOLATE CAKE, AND DIET COKES AS HE WATCHES HIS RAGING MOB ON TV AND CHEERS.
12:44 p.m., 1-6-22/ Sen. Chuck Grassley: Holy crap, Mark, The Boss was on fire! What a speech! I think he got my heart pumping again!!! I think he’s on the right side of history, and I couldn’t be prouder. Democracy has had its time… now comes TRUMP TIME… and I am pleased as punch to serve him! Let him know I said that, okay?
1:17 p.m., 1-6-22/ Sen. Lindsay Graham: Mark, please tell The Big Handsome Fella that I thought he was incredible (I confess I’m in love with the hunk––but I still like girls!). President Trump is so strong and powerful that it sends chills up my spine and curls my toes. Let him know I can’t wait until he’s in office 4-EVER! And if he ever needs someone to scrub his back in a bubble bath, I’d love to be of service. I’m a very good scrubber. ONWARD TO VICTORY!!!
1:21 p.m., Rudy Giuliani: All systems are go. Mark! Tell The Boss Man he did a great job with his speech, and the pissed-off rubes will take it from here. I’ll coordinate with Roger Stone, and we’ll get his deed done––democracy crushed like a grape, just like we promised!!!
1:29 p.m., V.P. Mike Pence: What the fudge, Mark! I saw there’s a gallows in front of the Capitol, and the crazy mob was chanting to hang me!!! Come on, Mark, gee willikers, you’ve got to talk to The President. I DON’T HAVE THE POWER TO STOP THE ELECTION BALLOTS! Please, Mark, I have a family! He threatened to “make them disappear” if I didn’t stop the ballots. FOR GOD’S SAKE AND MINE, TALK SOME SENSE INTO HIM!!!
1:38 p.m., Fox News Host Sean Hannity: Mark, are you seeing this? The crowd is beating on cops. That’s bad optics. Should I say it’s BLM? Antifa? Maybe do a segment about Hillary’s emails??? Let me know, I’m here for the cause.
1:48 p.m., House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy: Mark, we’re going through with this Electoral College ballot counting bullshit, and I don’t think Pence will do the right thing. If he doesn’t overturn the election, ask The Boss to consider me as V.P.––after we swing Pence from a noose. I’m ready to fill his shoes!
1:55 p.m., Sen. Ron Johnson: Mark, let THE BIG DOG know I am on the team! I’ll do WHATEVER IT TAKES to keep him in office. Would you do me a favor and see if maybe he’d consider me for V.P. I’d happily take a bullet for him!
1:58 p.m. President Vladimir Putin: Does that idiot have his phone on? I’ve been trying to get through to him for over 15 min. Tell him to call me on our private line. I have some new instructions.
1:59 p.m. Fox News host Tucker Carlson: Mark, let The Chief know I would be proud to give him his first interview as Emperor! I’m happy to be of service and will gladly do whatever it takes to stay on his good side. I love what he’s done with the crowd–– they are beating the hell out of cops and showing some real team spirit! I especially love the Viking guy. Nice touch!!! HERE’S TO VICTORY!!!!!!!
Stay tuned to The Lint Screen. We will feature the post-Capitol invasion emails in another dispatch. Thanks.
With the midterm elections approaching, the Republican Party has been adamant about not standing for anything other than the cult worship of disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump, but that is changing. Now many candidates are proposing initiatives to arm all school-age children “with sufficient firepower to protect themselves from the Satanic evils of this world.”
“We got young uns thrust into cesspools of liberal elite teachers who hate God and eat infants,” says Tennessee Congressional Candidate Randy Pearling. “I don’t want our kids exposed to horrible things like critical race theory or American history that mentions slavery. That kind of stuff could make them feel awfully bad about themselves. That’s not going to stand if I’m elected.”
Pearling is advocating issuing Sig P365 subcompact handguns to all children.
“I’ve done a lot of weapons research,” Pearling tells The Lint Screen, “And I think the Sig P365 is the cream of the crop. It holds 10+1 9mm rounds, and its small size will fit comfortably in tiny hands that could be sticky from handling a PBJ at lunch. The Sig doesn’t have much recoil so that the small fries can discharge their weapons freely.” Pearling hikes up his pants and continues.
“If each of ’em has a Sig P365 in their backpack or their side holster, they’ll be ready to act fast if anyone starts thinking about a school shooting. I’ve always said the only thing that’ll take out a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. And our kiddos are all good guys, even if they’re gals.”
Louisiana Congressional candidate Wendy Tempest also supports arming school children. “In my opinion,” she says, “we can’t teach our children about the importance of the right to bear arms soon enough. And I won’t stand for our precious little babes to get exposed to liberal shenanigans like teaching sex education, CRT, Black History, or the theory of evolution. They need to learn to stand up for their freedom and the Second Amendment. We can’t have our educators polluting their young minds, and if our kids are packing, by gumbo, they won’t!”
But Ohio Congressional candidate Roger Blackstone wants even more extreme measures. “Giving kids small handguns is all well and good,” he says, “but I think they need something with a bit more firepower. Since most school shooters are bringing AR-15s, I think every kid should get an AR-15. If it’s good enough for Kyle Rittenhouse, it’s good enough for our children. The standard AR-15 magazine has 30-rounds, but you can outfit them with after-market mags up to 100-rounds. When every child has that kind of muscle at their side, we won’t have any disruptions in our schools.”
Blackstone shakes his head. “Of course, if we do happen to have some problems, we’ll teach our kids about the power of thoughts and prayers.“
