The legend of Saint Nicholas goes back to the third century, and he eventually became the plump Santa Claus featured in Coca-Cola advertising in 1930.
“You drink Cokes all day and night,” Santa tells The Lint Screen. “Is it any wonder I packed on a few pounds? But people seemed to like the look. They said I was ‘jolly.’ Like hell I was!”
Santa Claus was trapped inside a body he resented and felt ashamed of.
“For decades, I was the object of ridicule and fat shaming,” Santa says, tears welling in his eyes. “You think other reindeer gave Rudolph a hard time? What about me? Little kids called me fat and tubby behind my back. They don’t realize how their nasty words hurt.”
Now, science may remedy Santa’s pain.
“I’m on Ozempic,” Claus says, grabbing his spare truck tire contained by a wide black belt. “Santy’s going to drop a ton and lighten the load for Rudolph and the gang. Next year, I’ll slide down chimneys like a greased eel through a sewer pipe.”
Santa says his wife is also excited about his new plan.
“She’s been doing Weight Watchers,” he says. “But she’s tired of journaling, portion control, counting points, and she’s also going to do Ozempic. We’re going to drop the pounds and maybe try some new sexual positions. I’d love to do the reverse reindeer.”
Santa Claus smiles. “I think that might get me jolly.”
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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.
