Mr. Tuggles Off & Running

The next president of the United States may use a litter box if some exuberant voters have their way. Mr Tuggles, the adorable kitten from Canfield, Ohio, is officially a candidate in the 2012 presidential race! “The people have spoken,” said campaign manager Jerry Ossenwold, “and they have spoken for cuteness over ugly politics as … Read more

Adorable Kitten Considers Prez Run

An incredibly cute kitten in Canfield, Ohio is reportedly considering a run for the Oval Office. Mr. Tuggles, an adorable mixed breed feline, is said to be contemplating declaring his candidacy in the 2012 presidential election race. Although the kitten is not close to 35 years old, a Constitutional requirement for serving as a U.S. … Read more

al-Qaeda Leader al-Zawahiri Updating Resume

Following the assassination of Osama bin Laden in his Pakistan porn crib on May 2, Ayman al-Zawahiri became the acting leader of the no-goodnik al-Qaeda organization. al-Zawahiri, long recognized as a dastardly mastermind but lacking in the charisma department, is reportedly fed up with leading the organization after almost four months. “He’s had it,” said … Read more

Lobbyist Says Buffet Should Be Deported

Billionaire Warren Buffet, who testified last week that he and other super rich not be “coddled” by lenient tax laws, has been accused of being a socialist agitator who should be deported immediately. “We can’t have troublemakers like Buffet running around serving bowls of loudmouth soup,” said Paul Guggins, a lobbyist for another billionaire’s company. … Read more

Plan Unveiled To Bolster U.S. Economy

A leading economic advisor, Dr. Geoffrey K. Rumdeedumdeedum, has proposed a bold plan he says will goose the economic doldrums the United States economy has been experiencing. “We need to finally recognize Monopoly money as legal tender,” says the man who describes himself as a distinguished economist from his home behind a dumpster in an … Read more

Lawmakers Take Vacation From Nation Ruination

Congressional personnel are exiting Washington quickly to enjoy their long summer vacations. “We’re exhausted,” said one Congressman. “Doing nothing good is awfully tiring work.” While no politician wanted to be quoted on record, all who spoke with The Lint Screen admitted that they were tuckered-out from grandstanding and being sycophantic servants to their lobbyist overlords … Read more