The Lint Screen

Tag: Tea Party

  • Tea Party Terrorists Strike

    The tea party is having a party.
    The tea party is having a party.

    Irate tea party members in Congress have shut down the government because they can’t get their way.

    “We’re steaming mad about this Affordable Care Act,” said one upset congressman. “We don’t care if it is the law passed by the democratic system of government, it’s not what we want and we must save the American people from democracy.”

    Another congressman said, “The problem is we’re spending money on the American people when we should be spending money on bombs and arming our military to invade foreign nations to plant the seeds of democracy, which are patented by Monsanto, so that foreigners can enjoy the sweet, sweet fruits of freedom and liberty. Look, if we waste money here at home, it screws everything up. If we have to wreck the U.S. economy to get our way, we’ll do it. We have to prove a point.”

    Meanwhile, a cluster of congressman huddled together and fist-bumped one another. “The enemy is the American government, and we came here to prove it. We won, we won!”

    Excited lobbyists made it rain $100 bills and resumed writing their laws in case the government ever get back to work again.

  • Hannity Considers A Hairstyle Change, A Nation Girds Its Loins

    Hannity urged to move part to the far right.
    Hannity urged to move his part to the far right.

    Tea party members are flipping their wigs, and now Fox mega-broadcaster Sean Hannity is considering changing his hairstyle.

    Hannity, the popular conservative Fox pundit, has had the same hairstyle for years, a part that is just to the left of the middle of his scalp. The hair has recently outraged many tea party members.

    “Sean can talk the talk all he wants about conservative values, but his hair is sending a different message,” said C. Ramsey Toomsade, a tea party member in Richmond, Virginia. “His hair says he’s left of the middle, and I say that means he supports government entitlement programs, abortion, a nanny state, Islamic terrorism, stomping on the Bible with muddy boots and gun control. I think it’s high time Sean took his part to the right–– the far right, and showed if his true colors are red, white and blue!”

    A spokesman for Hannity said the newsman is exploring hairstyle options. “Sean has a natural part, but we’ll see if maybe a perm or scalp surgery can move that part to the right. We don’t want to disappoint our audience!”

  • Mr. Tuggles Off & Running

    The official poster for the candidate becomes an instant treasured keepsake. Awwww!

    The next president of the United States may use a litter box if some exuberant voters have their way. Mr Tuggles, the adorable kitten from Canfield, Ohio, is officially a candidate in the 2012 presidential race!

    “The people have spoken,” said campaign manager Jerry Ossenwold, “and they have spoken for cuteness over ugly politics as usual. Obama promised change, but he’s proven to be more of the same. He’s just another human doing human-y things. Mr Tuggles truly is change we can believe in and cuddle with. He’s the hope we have hoped for! Change that will change everything, with change to spare and spare change for all!”

    While many speculated that the cute little kitty would run as an independent, Ossenwold announced Mr. Tuggles would join the crowded field of G.O.P. hopefuls. Already, the sweet little whiskers fella is drawing fire from his competitors.

    “I hope Tuggles has nine lives,” said an unnamed tea party supporter, “because Rick Perry shoots feral varmints for sport, and Michele Bachmann has been bragging about having a killer recipe for salted kittens in a cake.”

  • Lawmakers Take Vacation From Nation Ruination

    Lawmakers take a break from their torture of America.
    Congressional personnel are exiting Washington quickly to enjoy their long summer vacations. “We’re exhausted,” said one Congressman. “Doing nothing good is awfully tiring work.”

    While no politician wanted to be quoted on record, all who spoke with The Lint Screen admitted that they were tuckered-out from grandstanding and being sycophantic servants to their lobbyist overlords and billionaire puppet masters. “I’ve had so many rich meals, my last cholesterol test said I was the equivalent to Béarnaise sauce,” said one distraught senator.

    Many of the tea party stooges admitted they were tired from trying to drive the economy into the ground. “Playing chicken little and screaming ‘the sky is falling!’ is really harder than it looks,” said one exhausted freshman congressman. “Being a drama queen is tougher duty than I thought it’d be, yes siree, Bob!”

    While The Lint Screen research department was unable to identify exactly who this “Bob” person is, we can say with certainty that with the lawmakers away, the United states of America is safe for the time being.

  • “Not A Witch” Pleads Innocent To Toad Incident

    Democrat Chris Coons claims Christine O’Donnell was involved in his amazing body transformation
    Tea Party Republican candidate Christine O’Donnell, running for a Delaware Senate seat, recently ran a TV commercial in which she said, “I am not a witch.” The spot was a tongue in cheek response to her admission years ago to Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect that she had studied witchcraft.

    Now, Ms. O’Donnell is in the spotlight again after her Senate opponent, Democrat Chris Coons, left his human body to occupy a toad’s form. A spokesperson for Mr. Coons said that the candidate is furious about this sudden transformation and strongly suspects “witch O’Donnell’s black magic hand” involvement in the matter.

    “Now it’s going to be next to impossible for Chris Coons to run an effective campaign against Christine O’Donnell. Our polling indicates that the voting public is not ready for an amphibian in Washington, especially one with little bladder control when frightened. We demand Ms. O’Donnell lift her evil spell and fight fair!”

    When Ms. O’Donnell was contacted for her response to the allegations, she said, “I’m innocent– innocent, I tells ya!” She then turned into a puff of smoke and vanished.