Wells Fargo’s Stumpf Sentenced to Time With Warren
“I think Mr. Strumpf could use a good talking to,” Judge Judy told The Lint Screen, “and I think Elizabeth is just the person to make him her bitch.”
The Lint Screen
World Shaken By Two Recent Tragedies
Teddy “The Stabber” Tummery, leader of the Chicago Hell’s Angel chapter was also shaken by the news. “I thought they were real good together. Like salt and pepper. Or, cotton candy and malt liquor. The news kind of makes me wonder if true love is just an illusion, some faint scent of hope given to us by poets and damn liars who ought to be strung up and dragged four miles behind a bike then used as a pin cushion.”
Pets Bored By Election
While the human race is in a lather over the United States presidential race, a recent survey shows the pet population could care less.
“It’s stupid,” said Bowser, a four-year-old boxer in Boston. “I swear, it’s all the news has been about for like three years now. When in the hell is this election anyway? Could we just stop this madness?”
TSA To Offer Premium Security Services
Lundersome explained that all major airports will have security stations offering the “Personal Pat-Pat”, a 15-minute premium inspection with a $46 price tag that includes a warm massage table, hot oil, incense, low lighting and smooth Kenny G. or Yanni music.
Weiner’s iPhone Confiscated By Wife
“I’ve about had it with him,” Abedin told The Lint Screen. “In fact, today I called Tim Cook at Apple and told him to begin development on an anti-Weiner software update for all iPhones. My husband must be stopped. Now!
Lochte To Give Volkswagen Credibility
Following its fiasco of falsifying diesel emissions tests in America and Europe, Volkswagen has found a juicy beefsteak to place on its black eye–– enlisting Ryan Lochte, Olympic medal-winning swimmer as its spokesperson. “Ryan will bring gold back to our tarnished reputation,” Sandy Berstendt, Sr. Director of Public Relations for Volkswagen told The Lint Screen. … Read more