Clarence Thomas grew up poor in Savannah, Georgia. He vowed, “As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again,” and hit the jackpot when he passed Senate approval to become an Associate Justice after only one-year judiciary experience. It’s been prime rib, lobster tails, and Chateau Latour Premier Grand Cru ever since.
“I had no idea all the perks Supreme Court Justices get,” Thomas told The Lint Screen. “You got these corporate fat cats who have cases coming up on the docket, and they really want you to like them. So they’ll give you all sorts of stuff––luxury vacations, a home for your mom, college tuition for nephews, flights on private jets, and sweet ‘loans’ under the table that you may or may not have to pay back.”
Thomas gives an awkward wink and chuckles. “Yeah, right,” he says. “We always pay our debts.”
The Supreme’s latest scandal was in a New York Times report detailing Thomas’s purchase of a $267,230 luxurious 40-foot-long motor coach in 1999 thanks to a “loan” made by his wealthy friend Anthony Welters.
“Tony’s stinking rich,” Thomas said. “I figured why get involved with bankers. They’d charge lots of interest and make me sign reams of legal documents. Who needs that when a pal is willing to help? Tony forked over the dough, tossed me the keys to the RV, and said, ‘Enjoy!’ You’re king of the road, Clarence.”
Since receiving “the loan,” which had no paperwork and was never reported in Thomas’s official financial disclosures, he has cruised America shaking down rich people who may need his help from the bench.
“It’s amazing what billionaires will do for you,” Thomas said. “You get expensive gifts, private jet flights, houses, vacations––you name it, some fat cat is more than happy to do it for a Supreme Court Justice who can see their side of a legal argument. I mean, who needs silly stuff like environmental regulations or workers’ rights? We’ve got to let businesses run so they can make money and shovel it my way.”
Thomas is joined by Ginni, his political activist wife, who was involved in trying to overthrow a free and fair election.
“Don’t take all the credit, Clarence,” she says. “What about all the money I shake down from our rich pals?”
“I’ll never forget you, sugar,” Thomas says, kissing her cheek. “You are daddy’s first-class earner.”
“Damn straight I am,” she says.
“And Americans don’t have to be concerned about our ethics,” Thomas says. “We’ve got lots of ethics!” The crooked couple laugh, hold hands and drive off in their luxurious RV.
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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.