Just when you thought the Republican Party couldn’t get more unhinged, the GOP Freedom Caucus is prepared to shut down the government if its demands are not fulfilled.
“We ain’t playin’ around here,” Texas Rep. Chip Roy shouted outside The Lint Screen Washington offices. “If the nation doesn’t surrender to our ultimatums, we’ll shut the mother down!”
The Freedom Caucus comprises the lunatic fringe of MAGA nation (AKA Fascists), and their demands are extreme.
“All charges against President Donald J. Trump must be immediately dropped,” barked a sweaty Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan. “He is our glorious leader sent here by Christ Himself to save the world. We also demand Joe and Hunter Biden be imprisoned for life, hung from chains in a dark dungeon filled with rats and snakes. We also want to cut all taxes and eliminate the CIA, FBI, and Justice Department. We also want twelve cases of Marshmallow Peeps, the yellow ones. Not the damn pink one––they’re too woke. Yellow, goddammit! These are a few simple requests, and we’d better get them, or there will be hell to pay.”
Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene wants to eliminate the military in its current state.
“The U.S. military is weak,” she says. “I want all branches to be trained by the Russian military because they are strong.”
Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz wants to help America’s youth.
“I’ll spearhead an anti-grooming group,” he says. “I will personally be recruiting attractive female high schoolers. They are most often the targets of Democratic groomers. I’ll spend the time in hotel rooms and spas consulting with these girls closely, giving them individual attention and butterfly kisses on their necks. They can give me scented oil massages. I’ll provide neck massages to show my appreciation for their hotness. This is a cause that’s close to my heart.”
Chip Roy steps forward. “Listen, we ain’t backing down from Kevin McCarthy and the RINOs. We’ll be like newborn babies with diapers fully loaded, wailing all night because we want our ba-bas, and we want them now!”
Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert joins wearing a bikini bottom and halter top, smoking a vape. She smiles. “Don’t mess with us, America,” she says. “We’re the party of family values.”
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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.