Three weeks after disgraced twice-impeached, four times indicted and facing 91 felony counts, ex-President Donald J. Trump’s failed coup attempt on January 6, 2020, Speaker of The House Kevin McCarthy donned a halo and flew to Mar-a-Lago.
“I heard the President was depressed,” McCarthy tells The Lint Screen. “And I was worried sick because he’s usually such a happy-go-lucky guy.”
McCarthy had heard that Trump was so down about being unable to overthrow the U.S. government that he wasn’t eating.
“The President has always had a healthy appetite,” McCarthy says. “And because he’s slender, I was concerned he might waste away to nothing. So I flew down to Mar-a-Lago with an emergency bucket of KFC.”
When McCarthy arrived, he found Trump slumped in a gold silk chair, mumbling to himself.
“I didn’t like what I saw,” McCarthy recounts. “He was talking about the dirty double-crossing snake Mike Pence and how Biden stole the election from him. I asked the President if a tasty drumstick would make it all better. He waved his hand, called me a spineless loser, and told me to leave.”
But McCarthy was determined to nurse him back to health.
“I began eating the KFC,” McCarthy says with teary eyes. “I chewed it very well, then positioned my mouth above his and dropped the chicken cud into the President’s open cakehole. His eyes widened, and he swallowed. It was like watching Popeye eat a can of spinach! I chewed and fed him like a mama bird repeatedly for the entire bucket of chicken…then three Big Macs, a supersized fries, a coconut cream pie, a tray of mac ‘n cheese, and a bag of York Peppermint Patties. President Trump burped, and it smelled minty. My mission was successful!”
McCarthy says he was exhausted after feeding the ailing President.
“Donald Trump looked up to me, called me weak and pathetic, and told me to get the hell out,” McCarthy says, smiling. “I knew the President was on the road to recovery. I felt good. I had saved America. He would overturn democracy someday soon.”
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