"Where fake news gets real."
“Mad Men” has officially retired, but its star, Don Draper (AKA “Tricky Dickie Whitman”) is still alive and well. The suits he wears these days are sweatsuits, but he still cuts a handsome, if wrinkled figure in his walker outfitted with Penn tennis balls on the feet. The Lint Screen recently pulled up a barstool … Read more
The following is my commencement address to the Princeton University Class of 2015. Good afternoon. Sit, please. Enough applause already, please sit. Thanks. That was a lovely rendition of “Pomp & Circumference”–– let’s it hear it for the PU band! You guys rock. As I look out on all those fancy robes, colorful sashes, Mortar … Read more
The Lint Screen has learned that Floyd Mayweather, Jr. is scheduled to fight Manny Pacquiao tomorrow in what many are calling “The Fight of The Century”–– and we are worried sick. In the interest of humanity, TLS is offering $10 (an Abe per-man) if they lay down their gloves and shake hands. We believe there … Read more
The Lint Screen has made the startling discovery of a man claiming no knowledge of Bruce Jenner’s stunning sex change story. “Nope, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said the man who refused to identify himself on the condition it would destroy his anonymity. “And why would anyone care?” When he was told of … Read more
Popeye, the sailor man, has been arrested and jailed following a savage beating of his nemesis, Bluto, who was hospitalized and pressed charges. “I wasn’t doing nothing,” Bluto said. “I’ve been dealing with my anger management issues for the past ten months. I changed to a vegan diet, I’m drinking soy milk, meditating, getting therapy, … Read more
Americans greet the prospect of raising taxes as if it were a bubonic plague-HIV-leprosy-cancer cocktail. A fate worse than death itself. But if local governments can’t get money through taxes, they’ll get their dough a different way–– through badge-wearing-revenue-generators. Those flashing cherry tops are like cash registers ringing for the locals, and if you think … Read more