“The guys all gathered for a conference call,” Captain Cankles claims. “They had tears in their eyes. All these big, powerful, strong men were crying–– crying like dogs. ‘Please, sir, please come and join us. We love you, sir, and admire the hard work you are doing to make America great again. You are the best president ever, sir. And we’re not just saying that.’ Trump grins. “No one’s ever seen anything like it. They admire me so much.”

In a show of forced toadyism that would make North Korea’s Kim Jong Un blush, America’s glorious leader, convicted felon, twice-impeached, adjudicated sex offender, President Donald J. Trump sat proudly as his Cabinet gushed praise for him. “My love for you is unbounded, sir,” confessed Vice President JD Vance. “But not in a gay way, … Read more

Suspected pedophile President Donald J. Trump made a big deal of his meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin yesterday in Anchorage, Alaska. He promised he’d get agreement to a ceasefire or he’d slap the commies with sanctions, but after meeting for three. hours, Trump sang a different tune. “I think it’s awful what Zelensky has … Read more

“I’m trying to make America great again,” Trump bellyaches, “and no one appreciates how hard I work. This Epstein hoax is like an obnoxious fly buzzing my head. I’ve given orders that if someone bothers me about it, they are to be shot. They need to pay a price for wasting my time, and it seems like losing their life is a suitable fine.”

“Ryan is a whiz kid,” Trump says. “He knows numbers backwards and forwards, inside and out. He’s smart as a whip. And I’ve had him looking over the latest inflation numbers since I took office and saved the country from the awful depression of Joe Biden’s economy.” Trump nudges his new employee. “Go on, Ryan, tell them what you found.”

Trump recently told his Justice Department to release Ghislaine Maxwell from a Florida prison where she was serving 20 years for sex trafficking underage girls for Epstein. The self-described “law-abiding, very honest” president wants her loved into a luxurious penthouse on Fifth Avenue in Manhattan.