Donald J. Trump has always had a keen eye for talent. On The Apprentice, he harnessed the incredible powers of Gary Busey, Ivanka Trump, and Dennis Rodman. Now America’s CEO has recruited Mike Lindell, the brilliant inventor of My Pillow.
“I’m tired of dealing with negative eggheads like Fauci,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “These science people are all glass-half-empty people. I like glass-filled-to-the-brim people, like Mike.”
Lindell smiles and winks at his good friend, the leader of the free world.
“It will be my pleasure to rid your country of COVID-19,” said Mr. My Pillow. “Although I agree with the president, it will someday magically disappear, just in case COVID-19 isn’t a hoax, I have invested money in a wonder drug called Oleandrin. It’s a botanical extract.”
“Botanical is a very big word. A scientific word,” the Trump said.
“Right, Mr. President. It means plant-based.” Trump nods knowingly.
“There are many, many plants,” said the commander-in-chief. “Most vegetables are plants. A lot of people don’t know that, but they are.”
“Oleandrin is made from a magic plant,” Lindell said. “One that instantly cures COVID-19.”
“It will be incredible,” Trump said. “I have signed an executive order to buy enough of this wonder drug for every American. I’m investing one trillion dollars and making the evil China virus go away.”
“Yes, sir, Mr. President,” Lindell says, smiling. “You are truly making America great again. You are undoubtedly the greatest leader the world has ever known, and we are lucky to have you.”
“I am also signing another executive order,” Trump said. “It’s for two-point-six trillion dollars to purchase every American a My Pillow with its new scent–– what’s that fragrance called again, Mike?”
“Chloroform, Mister President,” Lindell flashes a smile. “Chloroform helps people get a better night’s sleep.”
“We all could use that. All the Democrats do is lie and make people worry.” Donald Trump smiles. “Everything is going to be tremendous. I am doing an incredible job. Everyone says so.“
“Yes, yes you are, sir,” Lindell says as he fluffs a My Pillow. The president’s eyelids get heavy as Ivanka enters and kisses her father on the cheek.
Jared cowers in a corner.
———————————————————————————————-
Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus”, a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.
7 responses to “Trump Puts “My Pillow Guy” In Charge of COVID-19 Response”
[…] company in the black section of L.A. Our focus groups told us pillows are hot topics these days. Pillows are politically charged, and so naturally, these young liberal fancy folks want to make genuine down pillows. But […]
[…] little faces and noses. The socialists say their masks are for protection against Fauci’s fake COVID-19. But I say they are muzzles to […]
[…] had enough,” Barr says, sitting erect in his seat. “Trump, Rudy Giuliani, and the My Pillow Guy had all these cockamamie conspiracy theories about how Trump was cheated out of the election. They […]
[…] stealing the election from me. Everyone knows Biden cheated and isn’t the real president. Mr. Pillow Guy says I won, and he is very smart. Rudy Giuliani says I won the election too. Also, honest men with great […]
[…] I just heard Newsman has booked Mr. Pillow!!!” a nervous Laura Ingraham texted. “That guy is a lunatic. Viewers love him. We […]
[…] Lindell––he’s the Mr. Pillow guy, […]
[…] killed us or done something even worse––like make us woke. But I couldn’t be prouder of the incredible accomplishments of the Trump-Pence administration. Serving such a great man was a true honor. He was sent here by […]