Trump Puts “My Pillow Guy” In Charge of COVID-19 Response

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Mike Lindell and President Trump are determined to put the coronavirus hoax to rest.

Donald J. Trump has always had a keen eye for talent. On The Apprentice, he harnessed the incredible powers of Gary Busey, Ivanka Trump, and Dennis Rodman. Now America’s CEO has recruited Mike Lindell, the brilliant inventor of My Pillow.

“I’m tired of dealing with negative eggheads like Fauci,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “These science people are all glass-half-empty people. I like glass-filled-to-the-brim people, like Mike.”

Lindell smiles and winks at his good friend, the leader of the free world.

“It will be my pleasure to rid your country of COVID-19,” said Mr. My Pillow. “Although I agree with the president, it will someday magically disappear, just in case COVID-19 isn’t a hoax, I have invested money in a wonder drug called Oleandrin. It’s a botanical extract.”

“Botanical is a very big word. A scientific word,” the Trump said.

“Right, Mr. President. It means plant-based.” Trump nods knowingly.

“There are many, many plants,” said the commander-in-chief. “Most vegetables are plants. A lot of people don’t know that, but they are.”

“Oleandrin is made from a magic plant,” Lindell said. “One that instantly cures COVID-19.”

“It will be incredible,” Trump said. “I have signed an executive order to buy enough of this wonder drug for every American. I’m investing one trillion dollars and making the evil China virus go away.”

“Yes, sir, Mr. President,” Lindell says, smiling. “You are truly making America great again. You are undoubtedly the greatest leader the world has ever known, and we are lucky to have you.”

“I am also signing another executive order,” Trump said. “It’s for two-point-six trillion dollars to purchase every American a My Pillow with its new scent–– what’s that fragrance called again, Mike?”

“Chloroform, Mister President,” Lindell flashes a smile. “Chloroform helps people get a better night’s sleep.”

“We all could use that. All the Democrats do is lie and make people worry.” Donald Trump smiles. “Everything is going to be tremendous. I am doing an incredible job. Everyone says so.“

“Yes, yes you are, sir,” Lindell says as he fluffs a My Pillow. The president’s eyelids get heavy as Ivanka enters and kisses her father on the cheek.

Jared cowers in a corner.

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