“Jesus Christ Had It Easy Compared To Me,” Sayeth Trump

Disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump left Washington, DC a loser in January 2021, and he returned yesterday––still a loser.

He spoke yesterday to the right-wing kook collection called America First Policy Institute, and an embittered Trump aired his grievances for 90 minutes. His audience became sexually aroused at the prospect of his possible announcement of a run for president in 2024 and the possible end of democracy. Here are some excerpts from Trump’s bellyaching, bitching speech:

“No one in history has ever been more brutalized than I have. Jesus Christ had it easy compared to me. They only nailed him to the cross once, but the liberal media does it to me every day. They are not nice. Very unfair, unkind people. It’s awful how they treat me. It’s much worse than how the Romans treated Jesus Christ. He was trying to save the world, and so am I.”

“I won the 2020 election in a landslide. Everyone knows that. There were hundreds of thousands of fake ballots––maybe even millions, millions of fake ballots––that pizza delivery people and chimps dressed like cowboys riding dogs dumped the ballots at polling places after hours. It’s criminal what happened. The evil Democrats stuffed the ballot boxes, and Biden stole the election. But I didn’t complain. Never complained. I’m not a complainer. I wanted to heal the country.”

“True patriots came to my defense on January 6. The unselect committee says I egged them on into rioting. That’s a big lie. I wasn’t even in Washington on January 6. The patriots stormed the Capitol in protest because they didn’t like what was happening in America––we can’t allow pizza delivery guys and cowboy chimps to steal our elections. It’s not good, and they were having a peaceful civil protest.”

“They say I watched the January 6 Capitol attack on TV. That’s a load of BS. I don’t watch TV. I never watch TV. I read books. Big, thick, beautiful books. Books with many words. Big words. I know them all. I love the words.”

“Look what’s happened since Biden unfairly got in office. Suddenly, there is a pandemic. That never happened when Trump was president. Crime has never been worse. It’s under your bed, in the closet, in the car, and everywhere outside. There was no crime under Trump. Biden also crashed the economy. We’re in a depression, a depression much greater than the Great Depression. Trump made the strongest economy ever. And look at immigration. Immigration is horrible. The evil Democrats want to ruin America. Trump built the wall––a huge, beautiful wall that kept us safe from outsiders, murderers, and rapists. Life was never better than with Trump. But they cheated him out of his second term.”

“Biden wants to take our guns. Our beautiful Glocks and AR-15s––so necessary for daily life. How are our children supposed to protect themselves at school? How will grandma and grandpa defend themselves at family reunions? How will you protect yourself at the Yankee Candle store in the mall?”

“It’s not right what they’re doing to me. I am the chosen one, and no one has suffered more than me. I am a martyr, a saint. Everyone says so.”

So it went until ears bled.

————————————————————————

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.