US Federal Judge Aileen Cannon, a Trump appointee in his final days in The White House, believes no one is above the law, except for a disgraced twice-impeached ex-president.
Cannon ruled Monday that the Justice Department’s investigation of Donald Trump must stop until a “special master” reviews the many documents seized. The 11,000 documents taken by an FBI raid on Trump’s Mar-a-Lago home on August 8 included hundreds of confidential, secret, and top secret documents.
Following her ruling delaying the possible charges of obstruction and espionage against Trump, Cannon said she received a generous gift from “a secret admirer.” She was given a free luxury condo at Mar-a-Logo, and a complementary slice of “the best chocolate cake ever!”
“I was surprised,” the judge said, smiling. “It was such a nice gesture. I couldn’t believe it. I think I’m going to love living there.”
Many respected legal minds criticized Cannon’s ruling for containing questionable legal grounds and the following phrases:
“The many secret documents could be an amazing coincidence––who knows? We may never know. Life’s weird that way sometimes.”
“I doubt Donald Trump would ever steal or lie. He was president of the United States, for crying out loud, and a major TV star. I loved him on ‘The Apprentice.'”
“I’d hate to think we couldn’t trust someone who has so many fans with top secret documents. Even if President Trump accidentally took the confidential material, I’m sure there are lots more n Washington.”
“Tucker Carlson says there was nothing wrong with what President Trump did. These were just souvenirs of his amazing term––he was the greatest president ever! The FBI was just on another witch hunt. It’s awful how they keep trying to get him.“
“Many leading Republicans also think this is another witch hunt. And they are reputable men of impeccable character.“
“I think we have to give President Trump the benefit of the doubt. And if he was selling nuclear secrets to foreign adversaries, so what? It’s almost impossible to keep secrets. He is the most brilliant businessman in the world, and he loves capitalism––where’s the crime in that?”
“While I believe in justice and the rule of law, sometimes enough is enough! We need to show some compassion.”
Judge Cannon will be moving into her new digs at the end of the month.
“I’m so excited,” she tells The Lint Screen. “I have a black robe swimsuit I’m dying to wear poolside. I hope President Trump sees me.”
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