Author: PD Scullin

Russia’s President Vladimir Putin says, “The United States should allow freedom of expression” and drop all charges against the hundreds of looney Trump loyalists who invaded the Capitol Building on January 6.

“I told Biden to chill out, dude,” Putin told The Lint Screen. “I think the U.S. government overreacted to a few peaceful demonstrators. Your country should be ashamed of itself and stop prosecuting people who were merely expressing themselves through trespassing, vandalism, assault, killing, theft, and defecation. Lighten up, people!”

Putin claims a similar invasion on the Kremlin would not result in arrests and prosecution.

“We encourage our people to speak freely,” the Russian leader claims. “I would have invited those with a difference of opinion to sit and discuss their views with me. I love a good debate. Debate makes both sides stronger. Why does the United States fear this? If such a thing as insurrection happened in Russia, we would give the people a parade. Your country should do the same.”

Putin believes the protestors were justified in their insurrection.

“They love Trump, I love Trump,” Putin says. “He was a great president who always put his country and people first. By far, he was the greatest American President. Then Joe Biden stole the election from him. That is not right, so patriots came to his defense. What’s wrong with that? I agree with the Republican politicians who are calling on the government to stop the witch hunt.”

When asked about his country’s imprisonment of opposition leader Alexei Navalny, Putin rolled his eyes.

“Alexei is not in prison,” Putin says. “He is very fearful of bears, so he built himself a small house with many bars on the windows and doors. Navalny makes me laugh with his silly antics.”

With that, the Russian President punched our reporter in the skull, threw him to the ground, and sprinkled Novichok powder on him.

“Sweet dreams,” he quipped, walking away.

Oh that, Vlad, you are such a prankster!

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.

Since April 23, Cyber Ninjas have been hard at work to prove election fraud in Maricopa County, Arizona, and now the team of crack crackpots says they have their results: An unanimous victory for Republican Donald J. Trump.

“We went through a recount of all 2.1 million ballots,” says ‘Chubby’ McGuire, Cyber Ninja #1, “and although it was a heck of a lot of work, it was worth it. After we disqualified the fake Biden ballots and re-allocated the voters’ real intentions, we can confidently declare President Trump received 100% of the votes. It was a landslide victory, just like he said!”

McGuire is proud of the efforts of his group.

“The Cyber Ninjas did a bang-up job,” McGuire reports. “I think every Arizonan and American can feel confident we got to the truth. If we saw a ballot marked for Biden, we knew something fishy was going on. So we proved it came from China, Italy, or outer space. These space aliens are very clever, and they don’t want President Trump making America great again.“

‘Chubby’ says the most challenging task was determining voter intent.

“Our people did find some ballots marked for Biden,” McGuire tells The Lint Screen. “When we’d find one of these, we’d flag it. Then we’d take those ballots to Madam Claire, one of the most gifted psychics in Phoenix. She waved her hands over the ballots and declared the voters intended their votes be cast for Donald J. Trump. So naturally, we had to put those votes in his column. Thank God we have people like her to help us with the very scientific process we use in unearthing cheating in elections.”

The stout election super sleuth says he wants to get disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald Trump back into office as soon as possible.

“Once we get Trump back,” McGuire says, “I hope he shuts down all these silly elections. Otherwise, we’ll run the risk of more incidents like January 6. Patriots aren’t going to stand by and allow democracy and the will of certain people to disrupt this great country. We can’t have people like Biden in office. I say Trump is emperor for life, and I have 2.1 million ballots that agree with me.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.

There’s a big showdown happening in Texas, and Gov. Greg Abbott aims to clean up the state.

“I’m sick of these yellow-bellied liberals,” Abbott told The Lint Screen. “Our state Republican representatives presented many ways to make voting better for Texans, and the lazy Democrats up and walked out on them in protest. I’m sick and tired of dealing with those crybabies, so I’m proposing a whole new simpler voting law everyone’s going to love.”

Abbott has created what he calls “a predictive voting system” to save his citizens time.

“Texans are busy people,” Abbott says. “They can’t just drop everything and go wait in lines to vote in some silly election. Well, I’m going to take the work out of voting. We are going to pre-fill all the damn ballots. I proposed a similar idea months ago, but it didn’t happen. But now I know sure as the sun comes up that my citizens want good God-fearing Republicans representing them, so all candidates with an “R” by their names get the vote.”

Abbott laughs. “What’s not to like about that?” he asks. “It’s automatic, it’s easy, and there’s no pussyfooting around. This is the only way we can be sure we don’t get a bunch of bellyaching Democrats or Independents in office and mucking up the works for everybody.”

The Texas Governor spits on the ground. “That’s what I think of these non-Republican traitors trying to destroy our state and America,” Abbott says in disgust. “They wanna investigate the Capitol liberation on January 6? Well, to hell with them. Get over it. And if they don’t want Donald Trump to be our president, then go and find someplace that wants your liberal ass. Everyone knows Biden stole the election. We need The Chosen One! We can’t have a bunch of crazy socialists robbing us of our freedoms and democracy.”

Gov. Abbott smiles. “Once we get my new simple voting law passed in Texas, we can get the boys in Washington to pass it as a national law. If we don’t stop the liberal loonies who want to vote as they like, we’ll never save America!“

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.

Sen. Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) is a man who loves America “more than my wife, more than just about anything,” he says.

Today Mitch told The Lint Screen he is advising his GOP senators to vote against a bipartisan committee to investigate the insurrection on the Capitol Building on January 6 by a rabid mob of looney Trumpers.

“The Democrats are trying to make politics out of a little misunderstanding,” Mitch says. “So what if a few patriots came to their seat of government to protest an unfair election? Big deal. We Republicans believe this is still America and white people have a right to beat police officers, threaten to hang the Vice President, invade private offices, poop on the floor of government buildings, and damage federal property. And just because a few people died in the bargain doesn’t mean we should shut down their white people freedoms with silly investigations.”

Mitch says the Democrats don’t believe in God and that is why they are making such a big deal out of what happened on January 6.

“Jesus told us to forgive one another,” Mitch says. “Of course, the Democrats wouldn’t know about Jesus because they’ve never read the Bible. We need to get on with our lives and let sleeping dogs lie.”

Many believe Mitch is a hypocritical turd who is nothing more than a loyal lapdog to his master, disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald Trump.

“That may be true,” Mitch says. “But I am, above all else, a man of principle and integrity.” He gives his trademark smirk, pivots, and walks away, chortling.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.

Congressional Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) says he “is usually sharp as a tack,” but for some reason he can’t recall where he was on January 6, 2021.

“They tell me there was a little brouhaha inside the Capitol Building,” McCarthy told The Lint Screen. “I don’t know anything about that. I was nowhere near Washington D.C. on that day.”

When asked where he was, the lawmaker squirms in his seat, and mops his slick brow.

“That’s a good question,” the congressman says. “I might have been back in my district. Or, traveling, working to get peace in the Middle East. I’m not sure. I’ll have to check my calendar and get back to you, but I know I wasn’t in Washington.”

McCarthy says he is unaware of the insurrection and attempted coup in the Capitol Building on January 6 by manic supporters of disgraced twice-impeached President Donald J. Trump.

“I’ve heard the Democrats are trying to make a little skirmish seem like the end of democracy,” the tall Californian says. “Of course, liberals hate everything President Trump did to make America great again, so I guess it’s natural they want to paint him as the bad guy. I’m sure the Capitol thing was very minor.“

McCarthy said he trusts his inner circle of trusted compatriots.

“I’ve talked to Marjorie Taylor Greene, she’s always rock solid,” McCarthy says. “She said it was all good, no trouble. The same with Matt Gaetz, a very honorable guy. I’ve also spoken with Ron Johnson– who is dependably spot on in his analysis. He said it was Antifa and Black Lives Matter, had nothing to do with Trump. And Jim Jordan thinks it was simply a little misunderstanding. I’ve also heard from Ted Cruz, and that handsome senator from Missouri, Josh Harley. They both hadn’t heard anything about Capitol trouble. And, I got confirmation from the man with a backbone of steel, Lindsey Graham. He said it was nothing. They all tell me January 6 was a quiet day.”

McCarthy wrings his hands and continues. “Of course, I’ve also talked with President Donald Trump, who is always a paragon on honesty and unbiased analysis. He said it was just a few patriots protesting a stolen election.”

The silver-haired politician shakes his head.

“I wish I had been in the Capitol on January 6, then I could speak with total authority,” McCarthy says. “But since I wasn’t here, let’s rely on the trustworthiness of some good, honest, God-fearing, cop-loving, Republicans to tell us the truth. There is absolutely no need for any investigation. That’s just politics played by the socialists hellbent on destroying our country.”

He pauses. “Then we need to get down to business and prove Biden stole the election.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.

“The Party of Lincoln” no longer has Lincoln.

The ghost of Abraham Lincoln, the 16th President of the United States of America, has had enough. “I can’t take these damnable liars anymore,” Lincoln told The Lint Screen appearing in our offices. “Today’s Republican Party is a contemptible amoral pack of craven, cynical hypocrites, and I won’t have them sully my good name any longer.”

Lincoln said he was hoping the GOP would come to its senses after disgraced twice-impeached President Donald Trump lost his re-election bid.

“It was an opportunity for good people to purge their evil spirits. But instead, these fools follow that horse’s ass, Trump, like he’s a god,” said the bearded ex-prez. “I’ve never seen anything so pathetic and disgusting. Donald Trump claims he won the election. How is that possible? Does he add numbers differently? Biden got over seven million more votes. It is ridiculous. As I once said, ‘No man is good enough to govern another man without that other’s consent.’ The people spoke clearly at the ballot box- they do not want Trump. Still he persists in his lies and pursuit of power. The man is a liar, an enemy of truth, the likes of which we have never seen before.”

Honest Abe was especially incensed as he witnessed the Capitol insurrection on January 6th.

“I used to say, ‘America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.’ And that is what we witnessed as angry mobs stormed our government in hopes of overturning a free and fair election. They wanted to kill the vice president and all who stood in the way of Trump remaining in office. Now, these so-called Republicans wish to deny reality. They want to rewrite history. Trump and his followers are enemies of democracy. And that is the danger of this tribe, for as I’ve said many times, a house divided against itself cannot stand. There is but one reality, and it is not the one Trump wishes would be.”

Lincoln’s ghost shook its head in disgust.

“It is as if our tragic Civil War never occurred. Have we forgotten the rivers of millions of brothers’ blood spilled on American soil to ensure freedom for all– the fight to protect the proposition that all men are created equal? I believe some have forgotten or wish to ignore for these so-called Republicans are working to restrict voting rights. They wish to measure freedom by placing their finger on the scale of fair elections. These wretched people are like Trump, their master– they are cheating bounders. To quote me yet again, ‘Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves, and, under a just God cannot retain it.’“

Lincoln sighed, then his weathered face transformed into a slight smile.

“I reckon I was not too poor with the turn of a phrase. I shall leave you with one more for contemplation. ‘To hell with Trump and his acolytes. We must purge these enemies within, and I will not allow them to do their insurrection in my name. Lincoln out!’”

And with that, Lincoln’s ghost flipped a bird and vanished in a puff of smoke.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.