Trump Hires David Copperfield “To Make Coronavirus Disappear”

Perhaps the greatest trait of President Donald J. Trump is his decisive leadership. And today, and he showed that skill again.

The president secured the services of world-renowned magician David Copperfield to address the raging COVID-19 global pandemic.

“I’ve been saying for months that this coronavirus will disappear,” the nation’s leader told The Lint Screen. “Now, I’m going to prove it.”

Trump has always been impressed with David Copperfield.

“When I had my casino in Atlantic City, I hired David,” the president said. “He was incredible. He once pulled a silver dollar out of my ear–– I had no idea it was in there! Then he made the silver dollar disappear. He even made my nose disappear. Who knows how he did that. Amazing. Copperfield is the best; everyone says so. But even with his tremendous talent, my casino went bankrupt. It’s almost impossible to build a business on gambling. The house always loses. That’s why almost no casino ever succeeds.”

The fake news media has been lambasting the president on his handling of the coronavirus.

“No one knew this pandemic was coming,” Trump said. “I’ve done a tremendous job with the coronavirus. Without me shutting down flights from China, experts estimate 300 million Americans would be dead. But I don’t get credit for that––credit for saving 300 million American lives. The fake news is very unfair.”

While the number of coronavirus cases is skyrocketing nationwide, Trump has remained confident it would eventually disappear.

“I’ve always been a glass-half-full kind of guy,” he said. “I’ve been saying remain calm. Don’t panic. It’s all going to work out very well for our country. But since Mike Pence and his team have failed so miserably controlling the coronavirus, I’m going to have to nip this thing in the bud.”

Trump said he called David Copperfield and asked him if he could make coronavirus disappear. “Sure, he said,” Trump relays. “I told Steve Mnuchin to write Copperfield a check for whatever he wants. We’ve got to get our economy going again.”

Trump leans forward. “You know, I built the strongest economy the world has ever seen,” Trump bragged. “Everyone says so. People at Mar-a-Lago tell me they’ve never been richer. I’ve done an incredible job. Incredible wealth. They all love me. Everyone loves me.”

Mnuchin would not disclose how much taxpayer money will be spent on David Copperfield’s services, but he said it will be a tremendous deal.

“The president is an incredible negotiator,” the Secretary of The Treasury said. “Just ask Kim Jong-un or Vladimir Putin. Our president plays those guys like a fiddle.”

Trump has given Copperfield “total authority to do whatever it takes to make coronavirus disappear.”

The country’s CEO props his feet on the desk in the Oval Office.

“I want to keep Americans safe, especially Fox News viewers, white supremacists, and the QAnon crowd,” the leader of the free world said. “These are my people. They’re smart enough to know any story that is not about my greatness is a hoax.”

Trump leans forward. “We have an election this November, and I want to make sure the Democrats don’t try to cheat and rig it. I’m going to win in a landslide. Suck it, Sleepy Joe, Nancy, and Chuck–– Trump will make America great again. Everyone is excited about me having four more years.”

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