On January 6, 2021, thousands of irate crybabies stormed The Capitol, beat cops, destroyed property, and tried to overthrow a free and fair election. Now, disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald Trump wants to reward them for their treasonous efforts.
“When I’m elected, all MAGA patriots will get full pardons and an apology,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “It’s very unfair how they’ve been treated. They are treated like common criminals. All because they support me. MAGA people have been victimized like no one has ever seen before. But I’ll make it right.”
Trump believes we need to do more than apologize and pardon his cult of angry lunatics.
“Every MAGA patriot arrested will get a brand new Cadillac,” he says. “And I will give them a medal of some kind. A Purple Heart or Presidential Medal of Freedom––something to commemorate their bravery and patriotism. The country owes them for this miscarriage of justice.”
Trump believes the MAGA Capitol rioters were trying to save the nation from the tyranny of Joe Biden.
“He’s a bad man, Biden,” Trump says. “He stole my election from me. I won in a landslide, Eric and Don Jr. said so. My people wanted to right the wrong, and the crooked Capitol police tried to stop them. They deserved to get beaten for trying to stop patriots from doing what had to be done––hanging Mike Pence and endorsing alternate electors so I would get my second term. Don’t forget, God made me The Chosen One.“
Trump shakes his head. His plastic hair doesn’t move.
“It’s disgusting how poorly my people were treated,” he says. “I think I’ll also give them $100,000 each for some walking around money. Because I know them, I’ll take the $99,999 they would contribute to The Trump Defense Fund. They’ll get $1 tax-free. I need my people to battle the IRS, FBI, and Department of Justice. They are ruining our country trying to impose their unfair laws.“
The portly ex-prez goose steps away.
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