Disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump is the only declared Republican Party candidate in the 2024 presidential race. Still, many other party leaders are testing the waters for a possible run. The Lint Screen sat with Trump at his Mar-a-Lago home to discuss his potential rivals. Between bites of bacon cheeseburgers, breaded French fries dipped in ranch dressing, and Diet Cokes, the overweight man s gave his expert analysis of the field.
Nikki Haley: “I like Nikki,” Trump says. “But America isn’t ready for someone like her. For one, she’s a woman, so that she will be very temperamental. Look what happened to Hillary. I’m not sexist. I love women. It’s just a fact they can’t lead a country. A president must be calm and make tough decisions. Many, many tough decisions. You can’t be crying all the time and throwing temper tantrums. America needs a very stable genius like me with a proven track record. I think Nikki is also some kind of a foreigner. Has anyone checked her birth certificate? Was she even born here? Nikki could be another Obama. The country needs a white American male. Everyone’s saying that’s Trump.”
Ron DeSantis: “Ron’s an okay governor,” Trump says. “And he never would have been elected if it weren’t for me. He came to me and begged for my support. The guy was crying fountains, it was embarrassing, and he was bowing and scraping to me. I threw him a box of Kleenex and said, “Okay, Ron, I’ll back you.” Suddenly DeSantis went from being behind in the race by over eighty percent to being ahead and winning. No one’s ever seen anything like it. The power of my endorsement is incredible. But he doesn’t have what it takes to be president. Ron should be happy with Florida. If he tries and stabs me in the back by running, I’ll bury him. I made DeSantis. I can destroy him.”
Mike Pence: “Mike doesn’t have a chance,” Trump declares. “He betrayed me on January 6 and turned his back on America. We had many brave patriots fighting like hell to save the country from Joe Biden, who stole the election and is ruining the country. Everyone wanted Trump to stay in office. I was the best president in history, but Mike was weak and put a dagger in my heart. MAGA world hates him and wants to hang him. He’s dead politically and knows better than to toss his hat in the ring.”
Mike Pompeo: “The guy is a total fraud,” Trump says disgustingly. “I made him the head of the CIA and then Secretary of State. But I did all the work. I received beautiful love letters from Kim Jong-un. I made peace in the Middle East. I stood up to Putin and Theresa May, and Angela Merkel. I kept world order, not Pompeo. The guy road my coattails, and I’ll crush him if he runs.”
Ted Cruz: “I slaughtered Lyin’ Ted last time,” Trump brags, “and I’d bury him again. People don’t like liars. A man is only as good as his word, and everyone knows Trump is a straight shooter. Ted, not so much––can’t be trusted. He’s a shifty guy.”
Trump finishes the last burger on the platter and burps. “I don’t think anyone could beat me,” he says. “God sent me to save the country. And there’s no way Joe Biden can steal another election. The patriots won’t allow it. I’ll be back! Everyone misses America’s favorite president––Trump!”
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