Disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump took his grievance tour to East Palestine, Ohio, to rally support for his 2024 run to reclaim the White House.
The Lint Screen reprints his remarks to residents suffering the aftermath of a catastrophic Norfolk Southern train derailment on February 3rd that dumped dangerous chemicals into the ground and waters.
D. TRUMP: It’s good to be here in East Palestine. So good being here. One of my proudest accomplishments was solving your troubles with Israel. Peace in the Middle East––they said it couldn’t be done, but I did it. Palestinians and Israelis finally getting along. I was such an amazing President.
I came here because Joe Biden caused a train wreck. He doesn’t know anything about trains, not like Trump. Biden is a not-so-nice man. Everyone knows he stole my election, and now he is ruining your lives. His train wreck ruined your water, and then he went to Ukraine. No one knows why. Ukraine is fine. Putin is not a threat. Putin was never a threat when I was in office. Such a good man, Putin. I controlled him. He was gentle as a kitten.
Biden ruined everything and then abandoned you. Now I am here to save the day. I brought you water. Not just any water. Trump Water. The best water. The most incredible water on earth. Many people are saying it comes from the fountain of youth. They say Trump Water makes you live longer. Drinkers get many, many more years of life. So many years. Some people say Trump Water has healing powers. And it makes you smarter.
Trump Water makes you more brainlier. We don’t know for sure, but many people are saying it so I brought you lots of Trump Water because I care. Biden doesn’t care. He doesn’t have water.
Biden and the radical left want to ruin America like they ruined your beautiful city. They want to persecute and prosecute the patriots who stood up to Biden’s gang of thugs cheating me out of my landslide victory. Such a disgrace. They cheated so much.
Maybe now that my Kevin has given the Capitol security tapes to my Tucker, we’ll get to the bottom of their conspiracy to overturn my re-election.
The evil liberals want to take our guns and change the sex of our children. Teach them CRT. Then they will groom the innocent kids, kill them, and drink their blood. It’s not right. They should drink Trump Water. Such good water. An amazing liquid.
They want to burn our bibles and murder our pets. They will steal our desserts, take the batteries out of our TV remotes, and turn off our hot water heaters. The evil Democrats want to take our gas stoves and make us flush our toilets many times. So many, many times. They are not very nice. Not very nice at all.
They even want to make the green M&M less sexy. Like she’s Amish. It’s disgraceful.
Only I can save and protect you. Vote Trump 2024. Let’s Make America Great Again. And if you want an incredible deal on Trump Steaks, see Louie at the black Lincoln Tow Car over there––he has a couple of boxes of delicious Trump Steaks he’ll sell at a fantastic price.
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