Biden brags he’s “matchmaker for my evil domination of America”

Dark Brandon strikes again.

MAGA World is abuzz with gonzo conspiracy theories concerning the “alleged romance” between Kansas City superstar wide receiver Travis Kelce and the world’s pop star sweetheart Taylor Swift.

“Biden fixed the entire NFL season,” claims Trump 2024 campaign strategist Ralph Juniper. “He pulled strings to get the Chiefs into the Super Bowl because Taylor Swift will bump off Usher and perform at halftime. Then she and Kelce will make a ten-minute endorsement for Biden. All to piss off President Trump! It’s just not fair.”

President Joe Biden doesn’t deny this wild claim.

“Taylor and Travis make a cute couple, don’t they?” Biden asks The Lint Screen with a mischievous grin and beguiling Irish glint in his eyes. “I’m their matchmaker, and they are my pawns in making my move to world domination. I’ll do anything to undermine Trump. He was the greatest American leader ever, and I am so jealous of him. I have my Justice Department chasing him like a rat, and I’ve paid women to say that he sexually assaulted him. I’ll do whatever it takes to get under his orange skin and flip his ridiculous blond wig.”

“This isn’t right,” says Speaker of the House Mike Johnson. “Taylor Swift is a tempting seductress who has triggered Covenant Eyes, the masturbation monitor app my son and I use for keeping track of idle hands in our groins. And now Swift is going to destroy the world by endorsing Biden.”

“Biden is not so nice,” disgraced ex-President Donald Trump says. “He put Swift on the cover of Time magazine when everyone knows I was ‘Person of The Year.’ I’m much more popular than she is, and I had many more number-one hits with my J6 choir! Many, many more hits. I’ve also got Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, and Jon Voight in my camp––let’s see Swift match that kind of star power!!!”

President Biden grins. “Everything looks as rosy red as Taylor’s lipstick.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.