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  • Merry Happy

    For 25 years, I’ve given Hallmark the Heisman and created our very own Christmas cards. It’s a creative challenge and undeniable proof that I care enough to lick an envelope.

    Now that our sons are older, they alternate year to year on writing the back of the card– the shameless plea for money, a Scullin family tradition. Matt did the honors this year. Feel free to send donations, they like money (the gift that never needs returning).

    Here’s digital wishes for a merry happy to you and yours from us and ours. Simply click to view this year’s model of our card, O.K.? Scullin Christmas Card 09

  • If I Could Sign

    My hands with be in a flurry to describe how manipulated I feel watching this spot.
    Can you say heavy handed?

  • Those Darn Monkeys

    Not long ago I wrote on this site about the dangers of smoking monkeys and chimps. I offered to collect funds and buy addicted primates some nicotine patches and gum to get them off the goof.

    Unfortunately, none of you responded with financial aid. Well, I hope you cheap, heartless bastards are happy– look what animal kingdom peer pressure hath wrought!

    Yes, he’s man’s best friend– but only if you fill his bowl!
    Please send money quickly to me c/o The Lint Screen on the innerwebs. Thanks.

  • Homer’s Odessey “D’oh!”

    Our first child, Matt Scullin was born December 10, 1989. A week later, on December 17, the most important show ever on TV was born– The Simpsons.

    Our family (yes, even the babies) has always watched The Simpsons. We’ve had spirited debates on picking a favorite episode (mine is “Boy-Scoutz ‘n the Hood” from season eight in which Bart joins the Junior Campers and hilarity ensues), we quote Simpsons lines chapter and verse (and recite favorites), discuss couch gags, and are torn when asked to pick our favorite characters (don’t ask, it hurts too much ).

    If loving you is wrong, we don't wanna be right...
    If loving you is wrong, we don’t wanna be right…
    While other families were shielding their precious children’s innocent eyes from this irreverent show, we were glued to it. For 20 years, it has been an animated encyclopedia of pop culture. Yes, it’s an educational cartoon, so there all you parents who refused your kiddies the intellectual stimulation of Springfield. Hope you’re happy with your dimwitted goody two-shoes.

    The early episodes, like most sitcoms, were not that funny. The show’s executive producers, James L. Brooks, Matt Groening and Sam Simon were working to establish the characters, both their look and the sound of their voices. But soon the show hit its stride.

    Great writers like John Swartzwelder, (who amazingly has written 60 episodes), George Meyer, Jon Vitti, Conan O’Brien, Dan Garth, Al Jean, Mike Reiss and many more brought The Simpson family and Springfield to life. A population of hilarious characters became the perfect canvas for social commentary, satire, wacky hijinks and laughs galore.

    Has the show jumped the shark? Sure, some seasons more than others. Everything grows stale after 20 years (which is why we gave our 20-year old son Matt to a band of traveling gypsies).

    But still, it’s been a hell of a run for Homer & Co., and our family is eternally thankful and grateful to theirs for two decades of fun.

    Since it’s good for any essay to have a nicely rounded wrap-up, I’ll leave you with this– a letter written by Matt Scullin to Matt Groening, Simpsons creator, a few years back when Matt S. felt the show was seeing a shark in the rear view mirror.

    February 19, 2006

    Mr. Matt Groening
    Executive Producer
    The Simpsons
    FOX Broadcasting Network
    P.O. Box 900
    Beverly Hills, CA 90213

    Dear Matt Groening:

    I am a huge fan of your show, “The Simpsons” and I have seen every episode. I am sixteen years old and I have been on your train ever since the show started. I am one week older than your show, to be exact. I have laughed to the point of no return over the early years and you are truly a god for creating these characters. When I say “characters” I don’t just mean the Simpsons; I am talking about Moe, Krusty, Ned Flanders, Chief Wiggum, Comic Book Guy, and the many other citizens of Springfield.

    Man do I love a lot of your episodes. Seasons four, five, six, and seven are gold. Last Exit To Springfield, Homer The Heretic, Mr. Plow, Rosebud, Deep Space Homer, Homer Loves Flanders, Secrets Of A Successful Marriage, Homer The Great, Homer Badman, And Maggie Makes Three, A Star Is Burns, The Springfield Connection, and 22 Short Films About Springfield are all classic episodes.

    Don’t get me wrong, I love the next five seasons too. But you began to slip along the way of oh, season thirteen or so. I realized that the show would probably never be as good as it was, and I was right. The episodes lost its spark and even lost the laughs. The stories became too much involved with Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie. You buried the secondary characters alive in a cold dusty coffin. They slowly died and went to “forgotten characters heaven.” The stories became uninteresting and filled with too many unfunny 1-liner gags. I put up with these episodes and told my friends how the show was slowly fading into nothingness. I still gave you a chance on January 29, 2006. But this was simply the last straw.

    This episode was terribly awful and my teeth cringed at the episode’s every attempt to make me laugh. I didn’t even come close to laughing once. I was disgusted at the fact that the animation was completely different. Everything looked too well drawn and had too much detail. It lost its once vibrant, warm, fuzzy animation of the earlier years. The episode was filled with a large surplus of unfunny 1-liner gags. The episode was lame, hateful, unfunny, and visually displeasing. While I watched it, I just repeated to myself, “This is not happening.” That episode single handedly crushed my hope for “The Simpsons”.

    I beg of you: Fire all your writers, bring back the “old school” animation, and bring back the secondary characters. If you refuse, simply stop making episodes of the “The Simpsons” because I died a little inside on January 29, 2006.

    Please write back or I will keep mailing you this letter.

    Sincerely,
    Matt Scullin

    P.S. Take notes from “Family Guy”.

    Cc: James L. Brooks, Mike Scully, Al Jean

    In case you were wondering, Matt never heard from Mr. Groening, but the show has gotten better since then. Maybe he listened.

  • An Open Letter to Tiger

    Dear Tig:

    Heard you’re in a bit of a stew with the ol’ ball ‘n chain. Sorry, dude– stuff happens, you know?

    One time my wife got angry with me because I had put a thin coat of Vaseline on the kitchen floor before this big party we were hosting. I did it because Vaseline makes hard woods shine like glass. Well, our clumsy friends slid all over the place and a couple of them fell and broke some bones and smacked their noggins on countertops.

    Fortunately, Vaseline protects against blood spills and stains.

    I had to haul people to the emergency room and everything– clumsy idiots! Long story short, I took the rap for what she called “the world’s stupidest idea” and my ZIP Code was the doghouse for a good stretch. Jeesh, louise!

    All of this is to relate to you that marriage is sometimes tougher than ten year old Sugar Babies, and like a marital tussle, you might end up with a chipped tooth, or two.

    I guess your wife got upset because you apparently were out of town and ‘forgot’ you were married and had relations with ‘temporary wives.’ Bad idea, buddy. Most wives don’t allow their hubbies to engage in hanky or panky. No wonder your wife went cattywonkers.

    Now your high-paying sponsors are dropping like flies in a fog of Black Flag, you’re off the golf circuit and a different new Tiger scandal pops up in the press daily. You’ve gone from the world’s first billionaire athlete to King Cad-Schmuckyton.

    It’s like some great Shakespeare tragedy. Sad. So sad, so very sad.

    So, what I was wondering is since you’re not doing much of anything anyway, would you mind giving me some golf lessons for $5 an hour?

    Let me know. Thanks, dude.

    I could have the answer to your prayers...
    I could have the answer to your prayers…

  • Sad Fruitcake

    What’s it like to roam the earth in search of acceptance, love and the occasional bite?

    Frankly, it sucks.

    Confessions of a lonely fruitcake from Ames Scullin O'Haire on Vimeo.

    Learn more of this tragic tale @ http://www.fruitcakediaries.com

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