Trump Fires Medical Science, Will Rely On “My Brain And Gut To Keep Americans Healthy”


The Stable Genius will use his noodle to keep Americans healthy.

President Trump loves America, and he is disappointed medical science has failed its citizens.

“All these so-called experts are big phonies,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “I listened to Dr. Fauci and all his stupid eggheads. And what happened? Now we have over 100,000 Americans dead. Well, that’s on them, not me. Obama, too. I accept no responsibility for their mistakes.”

The president has decided to take a new tack in the war on “the pandemic hoax”–– to rely on what has performed miracles in the past–– himself!

“I have been an incredibly successful businessman,” he crowed. “All my life, I’ve had the Midas touch. I’m worth over $140 billion. I had the best ratings in TV history on The Apprentice. No one has ever seen the kind of numbers I got. Viewers loved me.”

And he rode his juggernaut of fame all the way into 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

“No one thought I could win the presidency, but I had over 94% of the popular vote, and I got 1,000 electoral college votes.” He beams with pride. “No one’s ever seen such a huge landslide. No wonder I had the largest inauguration crowd ever. It made Obama’s look like a Tupperware party.”

His eyes glaze as the portly president fondly recalls his past accomplishments, then, he snaps to attention.

“And how did I do all those amazing things?” he asks. “I’ll tell you. My brain and gut. And that’s what I’m going to use to keep Americans healthy.”

He announced he will ignore all medical science. “We tried that, and it was a disaster. Horrible. From now on, I’m going to use my massive brain and great gut instinct.”

Mike Pence nods his head in agreement.

“Great idea, boss–– I mean, your excellency,” the veep chirps, as he drops to his knees and begins tongue lashing Trump’s wingtips.

“Not now, Mike.” Trump gives Pence a hard kick in his skull. The milquetoast man yelps as he scampers out the door. Trump continues.

“I want all Americans to know I am going to fight for them,” Trump says. “I’ve talked to Franklin Graham, Mike Huckabee, and a lot of the other Jesus kook Bible thumpers, and they’re going to say a bunch of prayers for the pandemic to go away. And I’m confident it will. The coronavirus will miraculously disappear, just like I predicted.”

Trump pumps his chest out as his belly oozes over his belt.

“My brains and gut,” the morbidly obese man says as he points to his head and stomach. “That’s what’s going to save America.”

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32 responses to “Trump Fires Medical Science, Will Rely On “My Brain And Gut To Keep Americans Healthy””

  1. […] “We screwed up,” Redfield confessed. “Our people spent countless hours and hundreds of millions of dollars doing research. And they let science make their recommendations in the interest of health. But science isn’t exactly the real world, is it? Sometimes a stable genius knows better what’s good for the kids. After all, President Trump is very successful in the real estate business and had an incredibly popular TV show. He has a very big brain.“ […]

  2. […] “The science crowd would have you believe the world is much, much older than 6,000 years,” she says. “Billions of years, according to science. Balderdash! That’s just patently false. Go and grab your Bible, then do the math of the generations from Genesis. All those begats add up to about 6,000 years. The numbers don’t lie. Now, I don’t know about you, but I’ll put my faith in math over science–– and God over all else!” […]

  3. […] “President Trump is The Chosen One. God put him here to deliver unto us salvation. He recited five random words in order, many times. It was a miracle–– no one has ever seen mental dexterity like that. The president simply wants the respect and adulation he deserves,” Barr said. “He has cleaned up the swamp, solved race relations, and stood strong against insurgents like Bob Mueller and his witch hunt, Nancy Pelosi, and Chuck Schumer. The president has also freed patriots like Sheriff Joe Aparo, Roger Stone, General Michael Flynn, Paul Mannafort, and many others. These are good people and great Americans.” […]

  4. […] “Oh, we did awful good,” Bucky Philips of Troy, Michigan tells The Lint Screen. “I think we made the president proud of his proud boys. He’s the law and order president and we brought law and order into the Capitol. We can’t allow Biden to get into office and cause anarchy. He’ll wreck the economy and won’t do a good job controlling the COVID like President Trump.“ […]

  5. […] “The Democrats love saying January 6 was dangerous to democracy. But was it really? Or was it a group of upset patriots trying to right the wrong of a stolen election won fair and square by President Donald J. Trump? He is the one man in the country who is working night and day to Make America Great Again. It says so on Trump hats, so you know it’s true. And can anyone possibly dispute God sent Trump to save us? Praise be Donald J. Trump.” […]

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