Republicans are licking their chops in anticipation of a red wave washing over America and sweeping them into control of the House of Representatives and the Senate.
“Once we have control of Congress,” Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell tells The Lint Screen, “we can make life better for all Americans.”
The floppy-throated man explains that they will enact legislation doing away with democracy in favor of something he calls Repubocracy.
“We will take the worry out of government,” McConnell says. “People won’t need to waste valuable time deciding which candidate is best because our people will be in office for life. And we’ll decide the best ways to live. This is government the way Lincoln intended.”
Sen. John Thune chimes in. “We will tell women what to do with their bodies,” he says, smiling. “And we’ll decide how they should dress, think, and what to say. And frankly, I don’t see any need for educating females. The girls must focus on domestic duties––cooking, cleaning and delivering babies. That’s what the Good Lord would want them to do.”
Sen. Chuck Grassley gets excited. “And we’ll have our pick of the litter,” he says. “We’ll inspect all the young women, and if they are good-looking enough or we see they have other useful gifts, we may put them in our companion rotation. It is important we Senators are happy.”
Sen. Ron Johnson nods his head in agreement. “Under Repubocracy, we’ll also do away with so much press,” he says. “There is too darn much information out there. We’ll decide what is true and worth knowing. We will have Truth Czars like Tucker Carlson and Sean Hannity, men who know what’s what.”
Sen. Rick Scott makes a fist with his tiny right hand. “And anyone who doubts the truth will be thrown into prison to rot,” he says, red-faced. “We will not tolerate opposing opinions. The truth is sacred, and only we know it because we follow The Chosen One, Donald J. Trump.”
The men bow their heads in solemn acknowledgment of his glory.
Sen Lindsey Graham gets misty-eyed. “I love him so much. Praise be, for he has brought us to salvation and given us Don Jr. and Eric from his sacred loins. Such handsome boys.” The southern gentleman gets animated. “Anyone who doubts Trump is God must be executed. We cannot tolerate doubters!”
“Hear, hear,” his GOP compatriots agreed.
“We’re also going to tighten up on voter fraud,” crows Sen. Ted Cruz. “There are way too many people who don’t look like us who are voting. These so-called ‘people of color.’ We cannot allow these ‘others’ to participate in our government. But we are not prejudiced. We’re going to do away with The Supreme Court––nine is way too many people–and make Clarence Thomas, a black man, the Justice Czar. He will determine what is right and what is wrong. We won’t need courts of law!”
Rep. Marjorie Taylor Green joins the festivities. “And we are going to decide what to teach children in school,” she says, stripping an AR-15, then re-assembling it. “They’ll learn the Bible and read ‘The Art of The Deal’– but we will give them our version of history. We are a white Christian nation, and January 6 was a glorious day for true patriots. We’re going to teach the young buns right,” she says, slapping a fresh clip into her weapon. “And God help anyone who tries to stop us.”
McConnell smiles. “I think it’s plain to see Repubocracy is going to make life in America a lot better,” he says. Then he cackles like an evil old bastard.
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